Mehh.

Day 65.

Feel like watching a sunset all of a sudden.
Super under the weather today.... so I thought maybe a nice sunset picture can cheer me up. MEH. Sick Sheryl is still feeling horrible and Sick. This is bad timing SIGH.

Woke up to a fever at 4am last night, missed my Liverpool match (though we won 4-0, cause we're awesomeee) and still couldn't sleep :( My voice was different when I woke up, throat hurts like _______(I don't even know how to describe it) and the coughing won't stop. A day ago I was just coughing a little and now it's like 180 DIFFERENT...

Been in bed all day and I still feel like crap. Just wanna stop feeling tired, sick and mehh. Stop with the dreaming too please, no more dreams please.

Cold nights, quiet thoughts.

Day 63.

Missing this view from Batam a few months back.
Been having a "just pack and go somewhere" mood lately. A place with lots of sun, sand, water and little crowd would be good.

So CNY's in about 3 days? I didn't really register that till today even though I've been doing most of the cleaning and packing at home these days. Guess it's all going a little faster than I thought it would be... I think all my lazing around, meeting friends, doing random stuff and working on and off is really helping pass time. This life after A's is honestly not what I thought it would be though.

In a sense I never really formed an idea of what life after A's would be like, just this isn't what I thought it would be if I had actually really thought about it? Okay, now I'm just confusing myself.... I do this a lot: confuse myself. That's bad stuff. Haha.

Spent the past few nights reading and folding paper cranes (yeah, still at it) I finally finished The first phone call from Heaven. Took me too long honestly, but I've been.... distracted, so yeah. It's a pretty decent book I think, about how one man creates an elaborate hoax in an attempt to atone for the sin he committed against an innocent and the innocent man trying to restore his life in the aftermath of a tragic incident. It gets people thinking about Heaven and believing in life after death. It got me thinking at least, so I would say it's really quite an interesting read.

Reading a lot of Thought catalog lately too.
I guess I like reading about what other people think of things, it's honestly interesting and they give you different perspectives. Okay, there are some pretty weird and ridiculous writings (LOL) but some of them are honest, helpful and well, reflects my thoughts so accurately I can't help but wonder if certain feelings are sometimes universal (I would say yes).

And one more, Wit's Tumblr.
If you ever get to see this wit wit; I'm real proud of you in every sense of that matter. Read back to your posts from weeks back and I guess I just wanna say: You aren't alone no matter what. Glad I got to know you better :) no matter what we've been through alone or together, you've tried your best to be there for me, so thank you. And well, I'm glad you're finally putting it all behind you. #myinspiration

These nights are getting so cold, that I can't help but miss your warmth.
But that's okay, it's sort of a nice feeling to just wrap myself up in my fuzzy blanket and let my mind wander while my fingers type or fold late at night. I have too many paper cranes now though, so many that I'm not quite sure what I'm suppose to do with them.

Not over you.

Gavin DeGraw - Not over you

Day 61.

12.46 am, and it's another 25th. 

This date still hits me like it does, with the best and most painful moments.

Finally had dinner properly with the girls tonight. One that finally we all managed to make time for out of their schooling schedules and their relationship lives. One that I didn't actually cry at. It's always good seeing my girls, they keep me grounded, sane and me. Talking to Cherie properly after so so long was good as we waited for the FOREVER LATE Xin Ru and Gladys (I hope you two are reading this. HAHAHA) The food was really good too, but the company I had made it better. Sometimes these girls know me better than I can explain myself. Where does one find friends like that? I sure am lucky aren't I?

Jie came over in the day to basically pass time. Cause she took half a day off from working for her dad and was bent on making me her human barbie doll or something. But I just let her do whatever she wanted cause now that we're older we hardly have time for this anymore. So it's always good to have sister time with her, even if it means I have to tolerate her trying to burn my hair off with hair curlers...

I knew you were going to be there tonight.

I found out on Wed after the girls had already made a reservation then Chris suddenly said you guys were going to have class dinner there. The first thing that came to my mind was: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME FATE. Followed by a full 30 mins of ragey pants at Fate etc etc. HAHA. In all honesty, what is this suppose to be? Can there really be such a coincidence? A second time some more, I was honestly wondering what I had done to deserve this. I'm already trying, so must Fate really do this?

We were thinking of cancelling the reservation initially, but a part of me said I couldn't run from this. I shouldn't run from this. I should be able to face you as a friend, that's what we originally said we were gonna be. And so we went. Truth be told, my heart was pounding the whole night. I was nervous and afraid of seeing you. Weird huh? I didn't know how I would react, in front of the people who knew.... Even talking and joking with the guys in front of you, I was honestly nervous as hell. My heart beat so fast it felt like it was gonna explode or something. Yeah, I know, what's wrong with me right?

It took all the strength in my body to not look at you.

Because you didn't even seem to notice me, not even a little. And for that I felt small, and oddly insignificant. Is this what it's become? We can't even look at each other and say Hi. This is what it is now? 

It's honestly hurtful. Cause it's like I don't even mean a thing at all, not even worth a hello now. How did we end up like this? When I'm right there in front of you, and it's like I'm invisible and it's your friends who are talking to me, joking with me and asking me how I'm doing. How did we end up like this?

There are still many nights when the thought of you makes it hard to sleep.

And there are days and nights where I just want to text a: " Hey, how are ya doing? " But it never happens, cause deep down I have to admit: you're doing good without me, you've moved on. And so I never press that send button. I just look at the words and your number till I get tired enough to sleep away everything. 

Funny how one can get so caught up in our own self-inflicted emotions that everything can just pass us by and we might not even notice. Some days, just some days, it's still like that for me. Some days, just some days, I still miss you like hell, so much that it hurts. And some days, just some days, I wonder with all my heart: Do I still cross your mind?

Guess it no longer matters to anyone else but me. 

I am no longer part of your life, not even as a friend huh? Not at this point in time at the very least. In a sense I guess I am feeling oddly bitter and hurt by it. But I did say I want you to be happy, and I did mean it. As long as you're happy, I can deal with it. I can deal with it...

It was still a good night though. 

Even with all these crazy thoughts that I now can't get out of my head... it was a good night with the girls, food and music. I'm glad we went. 

Calvin Harris - I need your love ft Ellie Goulding (Pentatonix cover)

Under Control played at dinner tonight, and all the memories of us came coming back. Especially when I saw you getting high over it as you always do during the A-level period. I need your love played twice at dinner tonight too. In all honesty, it's not really an appropriate song for me to be listening to right now considering the circumstances.... ummmm. BUT it's a really good song, and it sounded real good when it was blasted out of the speakers so yeah, I'm still gonna listen to it.

What people may say about you.

Day 59.

Today someone gave me a lot to think about.
It wasn't really what this person did or say, but what this person asked me based on what other people said about me to him/her.

What exactly was said kinda really isn't the point. It's not exactly something good I guess and I figured something was up when he/she kept asking me certain questions. Eventually that person was at least honest enough to tell me the questions were because someone said something about me and he/she wanted to confirm it. So, I'm thankful to him/her for having that honesty to tell me the truth.

At the end of the conversation I pretty much only had one question in my head, and the question was directed at myself: Does it really matter what people say about you?

The answer: Yes.
Let's be honest, for everyone it's most probably the same. Of course it's gonna matter what people say about you. It is about you afterall, whether good or bad, other people are commenting about your actions, your behavior, you as a person and whatever else they can. So of course it matters. What comes next is a little trickier: How much does it matter to you?

Truth is I was initially a little pissed off that I had to deal with this again. Another person coming to comment on what they think about me and etc etc. But surprisingly, after about 15 minutes I didn't care that much at all. I couldn't even be bothered about asking who was it that made that comment about me. It didn't really matter that much at all, not to me at least.

It was then I realized: Well hey now, I'm different from a year ago.

I spent a period of time of my schooling life (a few really really long months) wondering why it was that a certain person didn't like me and expressed it so obviously. I never did anything to her, she just didn't like me the moment we first met (how that's possible I'm not even sure really. I honestly thought you would need to know someone before disliking them but well....) I've never had to deal with such a thing before even though I was from Tkg. But yeah, girl stuff like that never happened to me. And yet, here was a girl I barely even knew, who outright-ly disliked me and went all out to prove it, from ignoring my questions all the time to dissing me in front of everyone else.

It was pretty dang rude if you ask me, but then again I applaud her for her honest and straightforward character. I would never have done it her way, but at least she's not two-faced,  pretending to like me and then talk bad about me behind my back. Okay, the talking bad part did happen, but hey, at least she wasn't a faker. HAHAHA. Point is, eventually I figured it out on my own, with the help of some really amazing friends: that it honestly didn't matter at all. I mean, of course it hurt, her actions and her words. But in the end I found my own way to make it right for myself, I made the right friends and found people who accepted me as a friend just the way I am. I was always polite to her though, cause I firmly believe that I should treat people the way I want to be treated: kindly, if not at the very least, politely.

Thing is, humans are funny creatures.
When people are honest enough to tell us they don't like us or show they don't like us we say they are mean and bitchy (if they really did do mean things that is) and yet we also call the people who are two-faced mean and bitchy. CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME? Hahaha. I guess I kind of get it. Perhaps in a way we are all so accustomed to having people talk behind us and hide their real feelings towards us (it's not a good thing though) than to have them express it so outwardly. I guess it would be more acceptable if they were kind about it but there are rarely honest people who can do it so nicely without hurting anyone's feelings.

Guess after all that ramblings all I really wanna say is that I'm happy with who I am now.
Not super extraordinary, or super smart, not really particularly good at anything really, blur most of the time, is a weirdo and whatever else there is to me. I'm just okay with who I am as a person, and the things I believe in right now.

It doesn't really matter to me anymore, what people will like to think or say or speculate about me. It doesn't really matter whether or not they think I'm a fake, or if I'm too enthusiastic or if they just dislike me in general. It doesn't matter because there are people around me who see me different from the way they do. These are the people that matter and whose opinions are important and I'm thankful that they are in my life.

In a sense I am proud too.
I'm proud of what I've managed to become. No one can ever be free of insecurities, be it self-inflicted or from what others say of us. I am still conscious about how others perceive me and what I think others may see me as but I don't let it affect me as much as it used to anymore. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and there really isn't a right or wrong, just a matter of different perspectives.

I guess at the end of the day what's really important is to be at peace with yourself and to know that who you are is not defined by what others say or think about you. It's what you see in yourself, and what you think you should be.

You really love him, don't you?

Day 56.

8 weeks.
2nd month on my own and still learning to cope, learning to deal, learning to let go.

It honestly feels longer than that.
More than 2 months but in reality it's only been that long. It's the same as that period of time when my aunt first left. Hours felt like days, and months. Guess we can never really change the way we each deal with losing someone, it's still the same for me. I still find it hard to let go of the people and things I care about. I'm still avoiding looking at couples on the streets, still trying to avoid all the things that remind me of you. Still scrolling past all the photos of our couple friends on Insta. I avoid it, all of it. Whether it was years ago or right now, I'm still taking a little too much time to deal, to heal. MEHH.

I wonder if it's a bad thing.
I suppose from the perspective of others it might be. A little too emotionally attached maybe? Yeah, I have to admit. It's hard for me to let go of people who really truly matter to me. I guess in a sense it's cause even though it's relatively easy to make friends and meet people, it's hard to find people who truly reach and understand me in a different sense.

That's why family and my close friends have always been so important to me, because they understand me in ways normal friends and acquaintances don't. And that's why when I finally, truly let someone in, it's hard to remove them from my heart.

You quite literally came in like a storm.
Out of no where and I wasn't expecting it. I never thought I would ever fall for you, that it would be you in any of that sense. I didn't think I would let you in that quickly, or that easily. After what happened before, I didn't think I could trust anyone else with my heart, not for a long time at least. But then you came along, and changed all of that.

In all honesty, you aren't really like anyone else.
It's not that I've never met funny, nice, interesting and kind guys. It's just that you are all of that and more. In a sense it's honestly scary, how quickly I let you in, even when we were just friends.... but everything felt right and you became the kind of person I easily took as a good friend, someone I could trust. Who knew we would become more? I didn't even realise we were heading in that direction. (Yeah, damn blur, I know) It was just that effortlessly easy and comfortable with you. No other guy has managed that, just you. Only you.

So then, I guess it's starting to make more sense to me. Why it is that I can't let you go just yet.
You, you're just different. You came when I wasn't looking and you made me a better person in so many ways, something I don't think you'll ever know but also something that I'm really grateful to you for.

You accepted me and all my crazy, encouraged me all the time, made me laugh, made me happy, made me feel loved. You are the one who let me know what it's like to be loved by someone who really does love you. It was short, but it never felt short. With you, it was a lot like being with my best friend but more. More happiness, more laughter, more tolerance, more warmth, more love. More everything basically. Hahaha.

I don't really think I can ever explain why it is you mean so much to me.
Or what it is about you that I can't seem to forget. I can't even really put into words how much you truly mean to me. I know very well in the eyes of others, it's foolish of me and I'm just being ridiculous. But I guess when we each find someone whose worth it, who makes us feel so much for them, nothing is really ever ridiculous then. That's why people say Love isn't about the time, distance or person. It just is what it is.

I know I won't forget you.
Simply cause I don't really want to either. Everything you gave me was more than I ever thought could be. It was happy times and memories, so no reason for me to ever forget that right? It doesn't mean I won't let you go though. I will.
I'll let you go because I want you to be happy, and the only way is if I let you go now. Maybe I've said this a little too many times but Thank you. Thank you for being just you, and for all that you've given me.

You may never see this.
You may never know what you really mean to me. It's okay though, as long as you're happy. I'm going to be happy soon too. Because of what you gave me, I will learn how to be happy again.

Frustrations.

Day 54.

Berns' gone.
We had to put him down in the end because the three tumors in him will only cause him to cough up blood till eventually they explode in him and he won't be able to hold out anymore. He was blind for awhile due to the tumor in his nose, and we didn't even know....

The doctor said even if we operated on him, his chances of survival were low cause of his age and he would have to go through plastic surgery because of the size of the tumors. It hurt like hell to spend his last night with him and see him so listless, and in pain from the drip and all the treatments.

He's the second person I've lost in a year to cancer. And the 3rd in general.

I honestly feel so damn frustrated.
I can't do anything about this, any of it. No matter what it's been about, for the third time in a row, there was nothing I could do. And nothing I can do but to let go and move on. Again.

Helpless.
I feel helpless that I no longer know how to tell anyone properly how I'm really feeling inside anymore. It's not just Bern's passing. As hard as it may be to understand, it's everything. Inside I feel weird, a little lost maybe? Or tired, or frustrated? Angry, Hurt, Upset? I don't know. What is it exactly I'm feeling? I don't know. I don't know what to do right now with all the emotions, what kind of emotions I don't really even know. It's suffocating, and tiring all these snowballed feelings? I don't know... I don't know at all. I really don't know, and I'm scared of not knowing.

I feel like I might start crying, but I don't want to.
I just want all of this to go away, to please go away.
And for someone to hug me, to hold me tight and tell me it's going to be okay.
Please.

Change.

Photo Credits: Zack

Day 52.

Went back to MJ yesterday for the Open House.
First time back since A-levels ended, and well us. So technically it was the first time back in the place with all the memories of everything, everyone, friends, clowning around studying and all that.

It's a little like going home.
Going back to familiarity and people you know; teachers, school mates/ batch mates/ juniors. Even the canteen auntie and uncles. Even more so for me maybe? I did spend 3 years in this place. It's home, bittersweet, but still home.

So we (I've seen these guys 4 times in the past 6 days... a little too much? Haha) spent yesterday roaming around and watching all the performances, catching up with friends we haven't seen in the past 2 months and the guys went to rock climb and play badminton and stuff. I mostly spent it watching them and talking to the other people I haven't seen in awhile.

Saw Yi Tai yesterday too.
Still a little weird for me to be seeing your friends, even though technically they are mine too. It was the same when I saw Qun Tian on the bus last week. Sometimes it's hard not to get reminded of you when I see them. There's always this awkwardness on my part because admit it, it is pretty damn awkward for me. But yeah, they've all been real nice about it. Asking how I'm doing, small talk and making me laugh as always.

Sometimes the question of: "How are you?" leaves me a little speechless for awhile. I don't really know what answer I should give. So when both Yi Tai and Qun Tian asked me this all I could really do was to smile, say: "I'm doing okay, thanks for asking" and avoid all eye contact so they can't tell I'm not really being honest. Guess that's just the way it's been lately.... Whenever this question comes to me from the people who know, that's all I can say.

It's good to know you're basically yourself though, according to Yi Tai at least.
I don't have to feel so guilty anymore that way, cause you're alright. That's good, that's real good. It's what I wanted afterall, for you to be Okay. I'm happy you're back to you. I really am... As the days go on, time gets a little blurry and I lose track of that period of time when I always had you around. Right now it's just like going back to life before you.

I figured it would be that way too, just going back to before us. That's what happens whenever you lose someone; you just go on with life. Except a part of you is no longer the same, a part of you has been left back there with them and it's a part of you that you'll never get back. (not in a bad sense I suppose) You'll change, and depending on how much that person meant to you, that's how much you'll change. This is one of the things that time away from you has taught me.

I haven't forgotten though.
I haven't forgotten what it was like having you around me, and everything about us. In a sense that's okay. It's only been 52 days afterall. If I'm over you already then it would mean you didn't mean enough to me. But you do, so it's okay that I'm not okay.

Berns has cancer.
And he doesn't have much time left. He's going to be the 3rd person (okay, he's actually a dog but no difference to me) I've lost in the past almost 1 year. I don't really know what to say. I've never been good at dealing with loss.
I just know I'll miss him, I'll miss him a lot. 
The same way I always miss the people, I love, who left.

More.

Day 49.

It's been 7 weeks.

Well, isn't that fast.

Close to tears.

Day 48.

The nights are getting colder.

Went to do some volunteer work with my parents today. It's about time, the last time I went with them was in Aug, while they've been going twice each month for the past 1.5 years. I have so much time now anyways, so I might as well right?

It's oddly comforting to give back to society. It feels like I'm finally doing something right and doing something useful with my time and with my life. At least I don't feel so much like I haven't been able to do anything right these past few weeks at all. It's something, small, but still something.

I started folding paper cranes lately.
Writing here doesn't help as much as I hoped it would. Although it's the only place left where I let myself show how I feel since I once promised you that we wouldn't let all the emotions out on Twitter anymore, or at least we said we would try not to. I tried I guess, though I'm bad at it. So I started this instead.

Every time I think of you now, whenever I miss you, whenever I can't sleep.
I'll fold paper cranes. I'll fold them till my fingers hurt.
And I'm tired enough to sleep the moment my head touches the pillow.
That way it's easier you see.
If I'm exhausted I won't remember what I dream about at night.
I won't remember you.

One day.

photo credits: Darlyn Too

Day 46.

Teo Heng and Bedok 85 dinner with the 401 boys earlier today. (Yesterday? Since it's 2 plus in the morning now...)

I'm honestly glad I went even though I was the only girl cause Dawn is in New Sheepland (hehe). These guys really are ridiculous and funny and just so damn easy to talk to. Guess all the times we've spent in school together despite being in different classes really made us closer and I am considered an honorary bro to them already. 

Kai Boon can really sing. Like really really sing. And Zack and Darlyn have rocker blood in them, who knew? Jing Shen still can't sing for nuts, but he cracks me up every time he goes off-key just for the sake of it. Haha. Ben and Darren aren't half bad though, just the intentional off tunes and screams and what not they all like to do is SUPER HILARIOUS. We sang for 4 hours. 4 HOURS. Who knew I could sing K with a bunch of jokers for 4 hours?!

Dinnz at 85 with all the food I missed was great too, maybe it's the company huh? Never a dull moment with them because they can be arguing over food one moment, getting excited over Chili (what even? hahaha) and then playing with their food. BOYYYS, all like kids. 

It was nice to be with the dudes again.

Like they make time pass fast, and they come up with things we girls will never be able to think of but they like to stalk girls also uh and I have been appointed as the one to help them because apparently it's easier for a girl to stalk other girls? #guylogic Still, all the travelling everywhere made us want to cry cause of the expensive bus fare ): Being an adult is expensive stuff.... the money spent was worth it though, good company is the most important afterall.

Been meeting people so often these few days. Met Marr ytd to cook lunch at home, watch movies and drink on my couch. And I'm gonna be meeting Ed later in the afternoon too. 

This is good, I'm being occupied.

So I'll think less of you. I should think less of you...

Maybe it's time I kept the photo of us in my ez-link card holder. Every time I see us together in that photo it's like I'm stabbing myself in the heart again. Real stupid of me, I know. Seeing that photo makes me both want to smile and cry. But it's the closest thing I have to seeing you now..... it's all that's left. That's all that's left.

Saying that out loud now just makes it sad. Real sad.

One day the sadness will fade though, one day I'll be okay again.

Just like you are now, I will be too.

Storm.

Orion's belt.

Day 44.

Tonight I finally know what it means to watch someone turn their back and leave.

That feeling of having someone come into your life like a storm,

taking you by surprise, 

changing you forever 

and then leave like they were never there.

Not all storms are bad though.

Some leave behind memories too precious,

just too precious to be forgotten.

Thank you for making me laugh again.

Thank you for looking at the stars with me.

I'm happy that you're happy.

I've missed that smile.

Timeless.

photo + editing credits to the pretty girl :)
don't know what she did, but I look like I have makeup on and it looks really good. HAHA

Day 41.

Rain day.

Went cafe hopping for the first time with this pretty Hui Ni yesterday. Haven't seen this pri school bestie for more than 5 over years though we've been keeping in contact all the time. The moment I saw her it's like the 5 years apart was nothing. Absolutely nothing, as we fell back into comfortable conversations the same way we always did back in primary school.

Headed to Selfish Gene for lunch and we ended up talking for more than 5 hours there. Haha. Just everything and anything became a part of our conversation and we realized once again how similar we were in so, so, so many ways that it honestly was a little scary. But at the end of it all she made a comment that struck me: "Best friends are people you know you don't need to talk to every single day. You don't even need to talk to each other for years, but when you do, it's like you never stopped talking"
It's so true.
After all the time apart, we've only seem to bond closer when we finally got to meet. Guess it's also because we both know that it's not easy for friendships to last through time and changes. It's a rare chance, I'm really thankful for this bestie whose lasted with me through the years and I'm gonna cherish this friendship for a long time to come as well. <3

Dinner after that with the seniors whom I haven't seen in more than a year also really reflected that statement too. It's like seeing them again after so long, what's 1 year? What's years in fact? Nothing matters when you've always had that connection, that bond. Friends like that are so hard to come by, friendships like this is so timeless. These girls have always been there for me cause I'm the youngest out of all of us. Regardless of whatever problems it was, repeating a year, friendship issues and everything else, they were there. And they've never turned me away whenever I needed help, something I've always been thankful for.

Guess in a sense I needed their help again and this small gathering couldn't have been at a better time. I only met Marianne, Fiona and Ying Ting for dinnz cause I hadn't been up to face the other girls after breaking the news about, well us. They didn't know about you at all until they talked to me one of the days and realised something was wrong with me and well, I just gave them a one statement that it was over. Telepathy in them I swear.

So dinner with my closest seniors and well, me telling them everything from beginning till the end. I cried again. After more than 2 weeks of not crying, after telling myself I'm never gonna shed another tear for this. I cried damn hard telling them this: " The hardest thing is knowing what he did was right, and knowing very well what is the right thing for me to do now, but not being able to do it. To miss him like hell still everyday. To feel apologetic towards him and to force myself to not text him even when it's all I want to do."

Haix, there we have me literally sobbing and choking on my tears in the corner of the packed Spageddies @ OC during dinner time. Hahaha, I must say I'm damn good at embarrassing myself. -.- But the girls just let me cried my heart out and for the first time in the 6 years I've known Marr, she didn't say what she usually would have said when it came to us girls and guys who've supposedly done us wrong: He's a Jerk.

Instead she told me: "You're doing right girl. You're making the right relationship decisions now. Not texting even when you want to. And this, this is just an unfortunate case. We can tell he really does love you, and in a way he must be pretty messed up himself cause he knows he's the one who hurt you himself. It's just a really really unfortunate case. If this is fate, at the end of it all, years down maybe you two might get back again. But don't give yourself false hope now, move on first. You must know: If it's not okay, it's not over. It's obviously not okay yet, so this is not over yet."

Marr is the kinda person who keeps me in check.
She says the right things, not the things you want to hear. In other words, she's always honest. Even if she knows it's gonna hurt you a little, she'll still be straight up honest with you. And I've always counted on her to wake me up. To tell me if I'm acting stupid or being plain ridiculous or wasting my life away and what not. I was surprised when she said that to me instead.... I honestly don't really know how to feel. I don't know if the girls are right when they all tell me it's not over yet. I mean I know it isn't over for me yet, but maybe for you it's different now.

I know one thing though, I have to move on.
For my sake. For your sake. For everyone's sake even. I have to.
Haixx, I wish I will stop coming to the same conclusions all the time. I mean it's not that I'm not trying. I'm much better now compared to the first month. I don't cry that much anymore except last night.... and I'm going out, I'm laughing, I'm eating again. There are moments when I'm genuinely happy, really. It's just there's still feelings for you, still that heartache, still that missing you, still that part that won't let you go and still that part of me that wants you back.

It's wrong of me, and selfish of me. I know, I really know.
All I can say is I'm sorry it seems like I haven't made much of an improvement. I'm sorry I'm still trying. But at least I'm trying.... I really am trying.

Kodaline.

Kodaline - Big Bad world

Day 39.

You introduced Kodaline to me, and well I'm hooked. They really are good stuff.

Listening to this brings me back to the night you made me sit in your living room's giant chair as you turned up the sound system to this song and dimmed the lights. You were right, that was a good feeling and one of the many favourite moments I've had with you.

Gonna get started on this tonight.

If I'm gonna be sleeping so late, I might as well do something meaningful right? Hopefully it'll turn out to be a great book cause the reviews were pretty good and let's be honest, most of his books are really good. But jie said it's a pretty draggy plot.... Well I shall find out for myself, keeping my fingers crossed!

Broken.

Day 38.

Another port day.
Spend the day with the girls at Starbucks again and dinner with the #Gangof3. It was weird today, revisiting all the places I've avoided the past 1 month 1 week and 1 day.

Had lunch at CARC today cause I missed the food. The China uncle was real nice to me, just like how you always said he is a nice person. Met Gladys for lunch at 4pm and that crazy girl showed up looking likka Korean. HAHAHA she amazes me all the time. Then we headed back to T1 departure hall Starbux to meet Xinru for some quality htht. Been meeting them so often lately, but I'm loving every bit of it. They make things better, always.

It's the first time I've been to all the places in the port that we used to go often since then. Every where was your shadow, I won't deny it. Gladys asked why I agreed to go to the T1 Starbux after I told them it was our old place, and I told her eventually I would have to live like normal. I couldn't keep avoiding everything and everyone the way I did just cause they all reminded me of you.
This was a start, facing my fears, facing reality.

Dinner with #Gangof3 at Itacho was as entertaining as always. I swear I have a love hate relationship with Wit. HAHA but Dawn knows me better than myself sometimes so I love them both. Funny enough all the conversations somehow dragged you into the picture, guess it's inevitable cause we're talking MJ stuff. But we all brushed it with off with a laugh, a "let's not go there" and a topic change. Thanks for understanding guys, thanks for seeing it without me having to say what I was thinking.

Wit mentioned you were coming home today. And I said I didn't know.
Truth is, I did know. You told me back then you were coming back today, I just couldn't say I knew. I just pretend I didn't so it didn't seem like I still remembered everything about you.

I found out today that Ru's attached now. The girls tried to hide it from me cause well, yeah... but I found out on my own in the end. I really am happy for her, she finally found a guy who loves her the way she deserves :) and I really appreciate them sparing a thought for my feelings. Reason why they are my besties.
But with good news there's always bad. I found out about a few couples who split recently. Nothing really surprises me any more, anything really can happen. Even the best of couples might not make it, that's the way it is. Such a shame isn't it?

It would seem like there are too many broken people out there. Just too many.

2014.

Day 37.

First day of 2014.
It doesn't feel much different, but I heard the church bells today at 12pm. New month, new Year.

Didn't sleep much again last night, I need to kick the habit of all my late nights. It's been getting worst since I came back from Bkk... I've been sleeping at 6 plus in the morning, when the sun rises -.- and then my body clock wakes me up by 10 plus 11. At this rate I'll never recover.

Had our tradition dinner with mum's side today. Every year on the 1st of Jan we will gather for dinner together. It's been this way for as long as I can remember and it's always nice to see the fam again even though we gather often. It's just seeing them on this date is a reminder that it's another new year again.

It's always too fast.
Each year is always that fast. Sigh. Is it cause we get older and there are more things to do/things we wanna do so time just slips away so quickly? Kinda wished it could all slow down and be a little slower just so we can remember the things that really matter a little more. But I guess it doesn't work that way huh.

So, New Years resolutions. Erhhh, I don't really have a habit of this, I guess I just live it as it comes to me, and then at the end of each year I remember the things the year has taught me. I'm such a weirdo.. HAHA. Guess if I really had to have one for the year, it'll be what's written up there: Be Brave.
I think I'm really gonna need it this year, changes are coming. Whatever happens, I just hope to be able to be brave and face all of it and have the courage to make the right decisions when I have to. Just to be brave.

I watched New Year's Eve on my own last night. It's really such a touching, funny and heart warming movie. I was laughing and crying like an idiot on my own in the room. HAHA. Don't know why I didn't watch that movie earlier. At least I got to watch it now!

Is it cause it's New Year's Day?
I see so many more photos of couples and see so many out on the streets too. New Year's Eve was a movie centered around couples too... a little weird honestly. Made me think a lot about you, I have to admit. But I guess I can't avoid any of this. I just have to get used to this. I missed you today. I told myself I wouldn't say this out loud anymore, but here I am breaking the promise I made to myself when it's only the first day of the year. I really need to be better at keeping promises.

Xinru once said " it's alright even if you're going to keep missing him. It's perfectly normal. You just have to make sure that you miss him less each day, until you're okay again."
I can't say she's wrong, I just hope I'll miss you less each day the way she says it should be.
Not more, like right now.