Change.

Photo Credits: Zack

Day 52.

Went back to MJ yesterday for the Open House.
First time back since A-levels ended, and well us. So technically it was the first time back in the place with all the memories of everything, everyone, friends, clowning around studying and all that.

It's a little like going home.
Going back to familiarity and people you know; teachers, school mates/ batch mates/ juniors. Even the canteen auntie and uncles. Even more so for me maybe? I did spend 3 years in this place. It's home, bittersweet, but still home.

So we (I've seen these guys 4 times in the past 6 days... a little too much? Haha) spent yesterday roaming around and watching all the performances, catching up with friends we haven't seen in the past 2 months and the guys went to rock climb and play badminton and stuff. I mostly spent it watching them and talking to the other people I haven't seen in awhile.

Saw Yi Tai yesterday too.
Still a little weird for me to be seeing your friends, even though technically they are mine too. It was the same when I saw Qun Tian on the bus last week. Sometimes it's hard not to get reminded of you when I see them. There's always this awkwardness on my part because admit it, it is pretty damn awkward for me. But yeah, they've all been real nice about it. Asking how I'm doing, small talk and making me laugh as always.

Sometimes the question of: "How are you?" leaves me a little speechless for awhile. I don't really know what answer I should give. So when both Yi Tai and Qun Tian asked me this all I could really do was to smile, say: "I'm doing okay, thanks for asking" and avoid all eye contact so they can't tell I'm not really being honest. Guess that's just the way it's been lately.... Whenever this question comes to me from the people who know, that's all I can say.

It's good to know you're basically yourself though, according to Yi Tai at least.
I don't have to feel so guilty anymore that way, cause you're alright. That's good, that's real good. It's what I wanted afterall, for you to be Okay. I'm happy you're back to you. I really am... As the days go on, time gets a little blurry and I lose track of that period of time when I always had you around. Right now it's just like going back to life before you.

I figured it would be that way too, just going back to before us. That's what happens whenever you lose someone; you just go on with life. Except a part of you is no longer the same, a part of you has been left back there with them and it's a part of you that you'll never get back. (not in a bad sense I suppose) You'll change, and depending on how much that person meant to you, that's how much you'll change. This is one of the things that time away from you has taught me.

I haven't forgotten though.
I haven't forgotten what it was like having you around me, and everything about us. In a sense that's okay. It's only been 52 days afterall. If I'm over you already then it would mean you didn't mean enough to me. But you do, so it's okay that I'm not okay.

Berns has cancer.
And he doesn't have much time left. He's going to be the 3rd person (okay, he's actually a dog but no difference to me) I've lost in the past almost 1 year. I don't really know what to say. I've never been good at dealing with loss.
I just know I'll miss him, I'll miss him a lot. 
The same way I always miss the people, I love, who left.