What people may say about you.

Day 59.

Today someone gave me a lot to think about.
It wasn't really what this person did or say, but what this person asked me based on what other people said about me to him/her.

What exactly was said kinda really isn't the point. It's not exactly something good I guess and I figured something was up when he/she kept asking me certain questions. Eventually that person was at least honest enough to tell me the questions were because someone said something about me and he/she wanted to confirm it. So, I'm thankful to him/her for having that honesty to tell me the truth.

At the end of the conversation I pretty much only had one question in my head, and the question was directed at myself: Does it really matter what people say about you?

The answer: Yes.
Let's be honest, for everyone it's most probably the same. Of course it's gonna matter what people say about you. It is about you afterall, whether good or bad, other people are commenting about your actions, your behavior, you as a person and whatever else they can. So of course it matters. What comes next is a little trickier: How much does it matter to you?

Truth is I was initially a little pissed off that I had to deal with this again. Another person coming to comment on what they think about me and etc etc. But surprisingly, after about 15 minutes I didn't care that much at all. I couldn't even be bothered about asking who was it that made that comment about me. It didn't really matter that much at all, not to me at least.

It was then I realized: Well hey now, I'm different from a year ago.

I spent a period of time of my schooling life (a few really really long months) wondering why it was that a certain person didn't like me and expressed it so obviously. I never did anything to her, she just didn't like me the moment we first met (how that's possible I'm not even sure really. I honestly thought you would need to know someone before disliking them but well....) I've never had to deal with such a thing before even though I was from Tkg. But yeah, girl stuff like that never happened to me. And yet, here was a girl I barely even knew, who outright-ly disliked me and went all out to prove it, from ignoring my questions all the time to dissing me in front of everyone else.

It was pretty dang rude if you ask me, but then again I applaud her for her honest and straightforward character. I would never have done it her way, but at least she's not two-faced,  pretending to like me and then talk bad about me behind my back. Okay, the talking bad part did happen, but hey, at least she wasn't a faker. HAHAHA. Point is, eventually I figured it out on my own, with the help of some really amazing friends: that it honestly didn't matter at all. I mean, of course it hurt, her actions and her words. But in the end I found my own way to make it right for myself, I made the right friends and found people who accepted me as a friend just the way I am. I was always polite to her though, cause I firmly believe that I should treat people the way I want to be treated: kindly, if not at the very least, politely.

Thing is, humans are funny creatures.
When people are honest enough to tell us they don't like us or show they don't like us we say they are mean and bitchy (if they really did do mean things that is) and yet we also call the people who are two-faced mean and bitchy. CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME? Hahaha. I guess I kind of get it. Perhaps in a way we are all so accustomed to having people talk behind us and hide their real feelings towards us (it's not a good thing though) than to have them express it so outwardly. I guess it would be more acceptable if they were kind about it but there are rarely honest people who can do it so nicely without hurting anyone's feelings.

Guess after all that ramblings all I really wanna say is that I'm happy with who I am now.
Not super extraordinary, or super smart, not really particularly good at anything really, blur most of the time, is a weirdo and whatever else there is to me. I'm just okay with who I am as a person, and the things I believe in right now.

It doesn't really matter to me anymore, what people will like to think or say or speculate about me. It doesn't really matter whether or not they think I'm a fake, or if I'm too enthusiastic or if they just dislike me in general. It doesn't matter because there are people around me who see me different from the way they do. These are the people that matter and whose opinions are important and I'm thankful that they are in my life.

In a sense I am proud too.
I'm proud of what I've managed to become. No one can ever be free of insecurities, be it self-inflicted or from what others say of us. I am still conscious about how others perceive me and what I think others may see me as but I don't let it affect me as much as it used to anymore. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and there really isn't a right or wrong, just a matter of different perspectives.

I guess at the end of the day what's really important is to be at peace with yourself and to know that who you are is not defined by what others say or think about you. It's what you see in yourself, and what you think you should be.