Frustrations.

Day 54.

Berns' gone.
We had to put him down in the end because the three tumors in him will only cause him to cough up blood till eventually they explode in him and he won't be able to hold out anymore. He was blind for awhile due to the tumor in his nose, and we didn't even know....

The doctor said even if we operated on him, his chances of survival were low cause of his age and he would have to go through plastic surgery because of the size of the tumors. It hurt like hell to spend his last night with him and see him so listless, and in pain from the drip and all the treatments.

He's the second person I've lost in a year to cancer. And the 3rd in general.

I honestly feel so damn frustrated.
I can't do anything about this, any of it. No matter what it's been about, for the third time in a row, there was nothing I could do. And nothing I can do but to let go and move on. Again.

Helpless.
I feel helpless that I no longer know how to tell anyone properly how I'm really feeling inside anymore. It's not just Bern's passing. As hard as it may be to understand, it's everything. Inside I feel weird, a little lost maybe? Or tired, or frustrated? Angry, Hurt, Upset? I don't know. What is it exactly I'm feeling? I don't know. I don't know what to do right now with all the emotions, what kind of emotions I don't really even know. It's suffocating, and tiring all these snowballed feelings? I don't know... I don't know at all. I really don't know, and I'm scared of not knowing.

I feel like I might start crying, but I don't want to.
I just want all of this to go away, to please go away.
And for someone to hug me, to hold me tight and tell me it's going to be okay.
Please.