Not over you.

Gavin DeGraw - Not over you

Day 61.

12.46 am, and it's another 25th. 

This date still hits me like it does, with the best and most painful moments.

Finally had dinner properly with the girls tonight. One that finally we all managed to make time for out of their schooling schedules and their relationship lives. One that I didn't actually cry at. It's always good seeing my girls, they keep me grounded, sane and me. Talking to Cherie properly after so so long was good as we waited for the FOREVER LATE Xin Ru and Gladys (I hope you two are reading this. HAHAHA) The food was really good too, but the company I had made it better. Sometimes these girls know me better than I can explain myself. Where does one find friends like that? I sure am lucky aren't I?

Jie came over in the day to basically pass time. Cause she took half a day off from working for her dad and was bent on making me her human barbie doll or something. But I just let her do whatever she wanted cause now that we're older we hardly have time for this anymore. So it's always good to have sister time with her, even if it means I have to tolerate her trying to burn my hair off with hair curlers...

I knew you were going to be there tonight.

I found out on Wed after the girls had already made a reservation then Chris suddenly said you guys were going to have class dinner there. The first thing that came to my mind was: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME FATE. Followed by a full 30 mins of ragey pants at Fate etc etc. HAHA. In all honesty, what is this suppose to be? Can there really be such a coincidence? A second time some more, I was honestly wondering what I had done to deserve this. I'm already trying, so must Fate really do this?

We were thinking of cancelling the reservation initially, but a part of me said I couldn't run from this. I shouldn't run from this. I should be able to face you as a friend, that's what we originally said we were gonna be. And so we went. Truth be told, my heart was pounding the whole night. I was nervous and afraid of seeing you. Weird huh? I didn't know how I would react, in front of the people who knew.... Even talking and joking with the guys in front of you, I was honestly nervous as hell. My heart beat so fast it felt like it was gonna explode or something. Yeah, I know, what's wrong with me right?

It took all the strength in my body to not look at you.

Because you didn't even seem to notice me, not even a little. And for that I felt small, and oddly insignificant. Is this what it's become? We can't even look at each other and say Hi. This is what it is now? 

It's honestly hurtful. Cause it's like I don't even mean a thing at all, not even worth a hello now. How did we end up like this? When I'm right there in front of you, and it's like I'm invisible and it's your friends who are talking to me, joking with me and asking me how I'm doing. How did we end up like this?

There are still many nights when the thought of you makes it hard to sleep.

And there are days and nights where I just want to text a: " Hey, how are ya doing? " But it never happens, cause deep down I have to admit: you're doing good without me, you've moved on. And so I never press that send button. I just look at the words and your number till I get tired enough to sleep away everything. 

Funny how one can get so caught up in our own self-inflicted emotions that everything can just pass us by and we might not even notice. Some days, just some days, it's still like that for me. Some days, just some days, I still miss you like hell, so much that it hurts. And some days, just some days, I wonder with all my heart: Do I still cross your mind?

Guess it no longer matters to anyone else but me. 

I am no longer part of your life, not even as a friend huh? Not at this point in time at the very least. In a sense I guess I am feeling oddly bitter and hurt by it. But I did say I want you to be happy, and I did mean it. As long as you're happy, I can deal with it. I can deal with it...

It was still a good night though. 

Even with all these crazy thoughts that I now can't get out of my head... it was a good night with the girls, food and music. I'm glad we went. 

Calvin Harris - I need your love ft Ellie Goulding (Pentatonix cover)

Under Control played at dinner tonight, and all the memories of us came coming back. Especially when I saw you getting high over it as you always do during the A-level period. I need your love played twice at dinner tonight too. In all honesty, it's not really an appropriate song for me to be listening to right now considering the circumstances.... ummmm. BUT it's a really good song, and it sounded real good when it was blasted out of the speakers so yeah, I'm still gonna listen to it.