Say something.

Day 94.

T-minus 4 days and counting. More like 3 after the next few hours really.
Okay remember when I said I wasn't feeling that nervous? Yeah well, I'm feeling it again. I think I need to laugh at how fickle my emotions are. HAHAHA is it cause all my WA groups are suddenly exploding with the conversations of getting our results, and people have started wishing me good luck, telling me not to be nervous, asking me what I want to do? I'm not quite sure. Maybe it's all of the above. I just need to keep remembering to breathe and take it easy. I can do that at least. I can do it.

Pentatonix - Say something (cover)

And just when I thought it wasn't possible to like this song anymore than I already do. Something about the way they sing it, something about that look in her eyes. Or maybe it's just cause this song still hits too close to my heart. Meaningful lyrics and raw emotions in their voices. Everything I feel and more.

Heard about a school mate's unfortunate Hit and Run accident 2 days ago. I only know him by face, but everyone says he's a great person and helpful, kind, determined. He never let his disabilities set him apart from any of us, this I saw myself. It's heartwarming to know we're all bonded together by the fact that we all just hope that he will recover. No matter who we are, or where we come from, we just hope that he'll be alright. Hopefully he knows how many of us are praying for him, and he'll come to soon.

Such is the fragility of life.
We'll never know when that might be us. Sometimes I think to myself: "What if I don't have another tomorrow." You'll say I'm morbid, as always. I know. It's just sometimes I need to think that way, just to remind myself of what and who is important to me right now. Just to remind myself that I shouldn't wait till it's too late to do the little things for, and say what I feel to, the people who matter.

Happy pills.

Day 93.

1.16am

Sometimes you'll be surprised how much keeping yourself occupied with the right people can be so oddly rewarding and helpful. Been feeling so down in the dump but it turns out the right people and the right mindset makes a whole of a difference (if only I can keep this up. hahaha) At the end of the day, talking things out helped. All I needed was that first step courage to admit things. Things aren't all that rosy still, but between me and her, at least we're finally both making the effort to try again.

CNY day 3 w my Jie's 

Grandpa and Grandma <3 <3 <3
the two people who truly love me most. Really am so thankful for them.

SELFIE WITH A DIVER #achivementunlock

because this is how ALL the fishes look
(p.s best natural lighting ever. LOOK AT THAT FLAWLESS SKIN
with no filter or makeup somemore)

And then a selfie with a shark
#myphototakingskillssuperZAI  HAHAHA

If you ain't a little crazy together, you ain't family:
Love my Jies: thank you for always looking out for me

oh look, it's a shark just swimming byyy

Swimz with dawny pie last Mon. Pool time and a good book + htht + sun + her made me feel oddly at peace. I've said it a gazillion times, but water is really where I am most comfortable.

JayJay : Dawny pie's cutie pie

Picnic dinner with Lixin on Friday night at Pasir ris park @ the roadrace area.

It was really nice to catch up with the girl and play music, laugh, talk, complain, listen, take advice and ETC ETC (the list can be endless) Really glad to have met this precious friend in 12S417.

Screaming frustrations at the beach like some mad women was fun too. Hehehe

Home made wantons cause I felt like it.
Cooking takes my mind off so much stuff lately

mumz being nosy and taking photos
while I was baking the other day. she kept laughing
saying that none of the photos were clear cause I kept moving
WELL, THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF BAKING. hahaha 

Went to the pet store and I saw Snuff's cousin :)
Really miss that puffball and his constant licks

Flor Patisserie: Mont Blanc cake

Lady M: Mille Crêpe cake

People keep buying me cake. Why? I've never really been a huge cake fan. But I have to admit, both of these are really naise :) I prefer the Flor Patisserie one though. It's less diabetes and real fluffy. Lady M's crepes deserve all the hype though. Other than being too sweet (for my taste now) and a little too melty, the texture is naiseee :) and I now sound like some act-step food taster.... HAHAHA 

Last night with Jie:
Messing around, being retarded, laughing and cooking @ 1am
Grateful for this older sister whom I always turn to at difficult points in life.
I may be annoying and cray
 but thank you for always guiding me and standing by me

And lastly, this brown bunny.
Been wanting it for almost a year now but I
still can't find this brown Le Sucre sailor bunny with blue stripes ):
it's been so long, maybe it's not ment to be ):

Pretty much all the happiness I can think of the past few days and a little backlogged from CNY period. Results in T-minus 5 days and... I am currently not THAT nervous (what happened? who is this, where is the real me? LOL) okay, in all honesty I think it just hasn't hit me yet. (who am I kidding -.-" I was so stressed up about it the past week) Guess trying not to think about it does work once in awhile, when the right things happen with the right company :)

So how's the Cherry blossom flowers there?
I was honestly quite shock when wit told me you were going to Jap a few days before you left. Then after awhile the shock became a sad smile, with that realization of how little I now know. Then again, that's the way it's suppose to be. You once said the trip wasn't gonna go through. Turns out a lot has changed in the past 2 months. Yeah, a lot has honestly changed. But change is the only constant, that's life~
Still odd though, that you get to see what I wanted to see: the Cherry blossom flowers.
Guess there really is such a thing as pure coincidence in life. Guess there really is such a thing as Fate (after so many coincidences that happened between us these 2 months, one would think I know that by now. hahaha) 

But the end of the day, all of this means nothing. It's all nothing but pure coincidence.
Yeah, I'm now learning to stop being delusional.

For the Friendships that matter.

Day 90.

" He probably doesn't want to meet. Just pass it to _____ uh, since it's so much. Find another way to pass it."

"Nah, I'll find some other way. I don't really want to see him too I guess. Tired. And ____ isn't good now"

"Yeah, okay. So just yeah."

"This is a feeling no amount of writing or talking or crying or saying I can't give a shit anymore can really explain. It's odd when someone who was momentarily your everything becomes a complete stranger. Yeah, funny how life works."

"Yeah it's normal. And happens to everyone, somehow. Some points in life you will experience. Thats when you grow and learn. Life experiences."

"Mmm, I know. Just I didn't want to have to know this feeling though. I guess I should have known I wasn't ready to trust someone else with my heart. Not after monster 2 years ago. My fault, but yeah. too bad. No point in all of that now. Just I know better than to trust my feelings that easily anymore."

"No one is ever aware of what will happen. No one said trust will never be broken. No one is perfect. Someone will hurt you one way or another."

"Yeah. That's life."

"Mmm"

"Haix, forget it. HAHAHA I'm just taking it badly and being fucked up."

"I took one year to get over_____, a friendship somemore. Comeon uh I get it can."

"I took 3 years to get over the first person I really ever had a crushed on. Then I met monster in J1 and it ended up in a mess too. Then he came out of no where and was everything and more. Everything I didn't expect. Didn't think was possible in a person, and I fell. I fell hard, which was my fault.

I'm not saying its easy too. Or that you are saying its easy. Just this is something that has always been hard for me: letting go. 
And you know me too. No matter a friend, something, family, someone I loved, my dog even wtf.

I know everyone's right. And I know the right thing too. I've about said this a fucking million times. And I know you know too, how bloody frustrating it is to care about someone who no longer seems to give a shit about you. 
Its an internal struggle. Every single day of my life and it's not just him. My future, my dad. Every min I think about it. It keeps me up at night, it eats at me even when I laugh and pretend to be the fuck okay.

And I feel guilty. Guilty to the people who care about me, guilty to the people I'm letting down and guilty to the people I've hurt, him included.

Its just even knowing all of this. Even with being tired as hell of saying the god damn same things over and over and over again. Even with the trying of not to give a shit and the writing to vent it all out. Even with the avoiding of the things and the people we both know, even though I've tried not to think about the space he left behind.....

The cold hard truth is that its still there. In the dreams, in the people on the streets I see that I think is him, in the people who didn't know about us and talk about him as if I don't know him. Its in the people I now meet and realise they were sec school friends or this or that. Its in the way I hear things even when I don't want to, see things when I least expect it.

You can prepare yourself and build up the walls. You can lie and say you don't give a shit anymore to the people who knew and aren't that close to you. You don't have to cry in front of anyone else anymore. And lying that you're perfectly fine is second nature.

You can do all of that but still feel like your heart is dying inside. A little bit more each day when you realise things and when you see couples or when you get reminded of him, and even as you admit he no longer cares about you at all, in any way. And when you realise this person whom you knew so much about, whom you were so familiar with is now a complete stranger.

I've never been angry at him. Not until thurs night. But above everything else I'm worried too. About the way he is becoming. Sleeping at 4/5/6 am and waking up at 3/4/5 pm in the afternoon. Its like his life is messed up. People all say he's okay, but to me something is wrong. He isn't himself. Wth is he doing I cant tell anymore. I'm worried about him, even when I know I shouldn't and it's not my business to care anymore.

I've been telling myself all this time: as long as he's happy I can deal with anything else.
The thing is I can eventually accept that he doesn't want me. But if he didn't want me then at least be happy. Be happy so I can try and hate him or something and use that as a motivation to get on with my life.

There's nothing like a feeling you get every night when you lie awake till 3/4 am thinking about the people who left you, the people you lost and the people you left yourself. And wonder if its all you, your own fault. And then there's the feeling that I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with my life when the time comes and I still don't seem to have an answer.

Its how you sometimes feel towards Zack, your own future. And maybe even more.

There's so much I've been wanting to tell you all these months but I just didn't know how. Cause you've had crap to deal with on your own and so often half way through trying to tell you I would start feeling frustrated. Feeling like you couldn't understand and I know its just me being selfish. That's why I shunned you. And you know it too.... I'm sorry for that. I really am.

Its just Chris, I struggle so much now that he's not around. In the past few months he kept me together, and he did it without even realizing that he was the reason prelims and A's and everything else that went wrong was bearable. I hate to admit this, but he was more important than I thought he was. And I hate to admit this too, but yeah, I still love him. All my other worries and this. It's all my own doing, I know. It's just it's all killing me on the inside."


This is the most honest I've been with you in months but if I didn't say it now I may never have the courage to again. And I'm sorry I've been such a huge asshole these few months. I'm still trying, failing terribly, but trying. I know you've been trying to be as understanding as you can and that it's been difficult to deal with me ever since all that's happened. But our friendship is more than worth the fight, so I'll keep trying till I can get over myself and my own issues. I just hope you know, I am both thankful for and sorry to you.

Holding on to nothing.

Day 89.
2:16am

Some nights you lay in bed staring at the walls, at the photo of the both of you, at anything really.
Some nights you try and remember why it is you do this to yourself and you try to rationalize your actions, your words. You think of all the advice people have given you, you think of the memories, the what if's, the if only's. You think about how you still feel towards him, you think of the things in your life that should be more important at this moment. You think of that weird stranger who texted you: "romantic love is all overrated" and wonder who that person is. Why that person knows. Then you try and think about how he feels, from his perspective. You think and you think and you think some more.

And then as hard as it may be, and as much as you might not want to, you start being honest with yourself:
You start realizing that maybe you need to be kinder to yourself, the way your friends all tell you you should be. You rearrange the priorities, putting your emotions a little further down the list, or at least you try. And then you let yourself feel the tears as you finally start admitting that you most probably no longer mean anything to the person who still means so much to you.

Too late.

Feel like a fucking joke.

I'm sorry for cursing. I rarely do, but right now I feel like I need to laugh at how foolish I am and how seriously stupid I'm currently feeling. Turns out that in the end I'm not even worth an early notice. I'm such a joke and it's my own fault. Why did I try when it's so damn obvious that the other person wants nothing to do with me at all. I am nothing but a nuisance. Should have known better than to try.

"Stop letting people control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions" 

Too late.

What are you afraid of?

A little bit of everything that I can't seem to shake off these nights:

Day 84.

I find myself sleepless with the idea of what's to come, with the fear of something that I cannot change. I sometimes find it weird how I can be afraid when I've done what I can. I always tell myself: "it's going to be okay, you'll find a way." I know I'm not lying to myself, sort of. But I still think about 7th March and what might happen and I still find myself scared. People always say "your worst enemy is yourself " Guess they are right. 

You always did say I worried too much, and I know I do. It's always been this way for me, just that when I had you around I wasn't that afraid. Some nights I still wonder what it is about you that gave me comfort and courage. 

All curled up with Lionel and I smell like shampoo, the sun's warmth and a linger of chlorine. Oddly enough it reminds me of the ocean and the beach. It reminds me of freedom; a place where I don't have to be afraid. 

I always was most comfortable in water.

15/02/14: You.

first date.

Day 82.

Happy Birthday.

Sorry I couldn't spend it with you. I really wanted to, but I guess that's not for me to say. Really hope you had a great day though, with the people who love you. Sure seems like it, and that's good to know :)

I'm grateful for today, it's the day you were born. Cheesy as it is, I'm always grateful for the day where the people who are important to me were born. So yeah, I'm thankful for today, and thankful to your mum for having you today all those years ago, even if you were an accident. Haha.

Was clearing out old photos and notes in my phone today and I stumbled upon the photo I took of you eating KFC at home the other day. I had almost forgotten about that day: when we wanted to cook but ended up being too lazy so we called takeout. You were all hungry and grumps and annoying that day: everything that always makes me want to roll my eyes but I still smile cause that's the you I fell for. Then I saw the note where we listed all the places we said we were gonna go and things we wanted to do after A's. Feels like it was so long ago right? All of that, it feels like it was long ago...

I remember telling wit a few months back what I wanted to do for your birthday this year.

How I wanted to make it really nice cause you had a pretty bad one 2 years ago. In a sense I wanted to make up for that bad memory and give you a better one to remember, and you're enlisting soon. So I wanted to make it real special. Guess I was a little far sighted, but I'm still glad you had your family and good friend with you to celebrate on my behalf instead. 

Be happy alright?

That's all I hope for you this birthday. That and well, for everything to go your way I guess, army included. Maybe one day we'll be the friends we said we were going to be.

Happy Birthday dear boy,

I'm really glad you were born, that somehow or rather we met and against all odds, I fell for you and you made me a better person. Thank you.

Valentine's.

Rare sight today: pretty rainbow

Day 81.
14.02.14

Last day of CNY, and Valentine's Day. Dinner with mum's side on the last day of CNY as always. All the good food that only grandma can cook is the bonus on top of the fun we have at gatherings at home and it's usually the solution to any weight loss I have, except its still not really working this time round... My weight's still going down, just slower. Meh.
Had a nice walk with 大姐 tonight and we laughed so much as we talked about when we were kids. I got reminded of the days when I was 4 and she would bring me downstairs to the playground to play on the swings. As we grow older, things like that become the precious memories that remind you of how important family really is. Received my first ever bouquet from 大姨 tonight too, it was so nice of her to make one for all the ladies in the family. Yeah, my family's awesome like that (:

So, Valentine's Day.
Or as I use like to call it in the past years: Friends day. This year though, it's just another Friday. With the exceptions of couples everywhere, flowers, chocolate, advertisements, gifts, radio and TV love songs/dedications, oh and my Google search has a couple and a giant heart in it. Yeap, it's just another ordinary Friday yeah. HAHAHA.

Couldn't sleep last night so I tried reading, but ended up thinking. Again.
Remembering stuff that I most probably shouldn't, looking back at our photos, letting myself remember all the moments and little things that maybe, by now, you might have forgotten and re-discovering my love for Will Champlin's voice + covers. Before I knew it, it was 6am and I was still sleepless... That guy, has a really good voice though. New current addictions: Radioactive and Love me again (favourite's his cover of Gavin DeGraw's "Not over you")

Currently contemplating if I should lie to myself and say I haven't thought about you today. Hmm, most probably not though, it wouldn't work anyways. Not when the people who know have been going all out of their way to avoid the fact they know what's on my mind today. Then again, V-day has never really been that important to me all these years... Just this year is a little sad I guess. It was great back in TKG though: free hugs day, candy and baked goods and balloons, flowers, cards, videos. Everything really. I would like to say it's more elaborate than if we actually had guys around in the school. Man, I really miss the TKG version of Valentine's Day.

I have to admit though: Today without you, was emptier than all the other days.
Might be also cause it's your birthday tomorrow and there's nothing much I can do either. It's sitting ducks and waiting for time to pass, hoping that nothing reminds me of you when in actual fact: everything does.

Today isn't really just for the couples though, it's also suppose to be about family and friends. Both I'm lucky enough to have <3 Sometimes I tend to take the people around me for granted, simply because they've been with me all my life. To me they're a habit, one that I am thankful for but at times forget to appreciate. Valentine's is to celebrate love right? So yeah, I took today to give mum and dad a hug and say I love them (something I haven't done in awhile)

Happy Valentine's day everyone. Whether it was spent with your loved one, family, friends or even on your own, hopefully it was a great one for you. After all, it's a day to celebrate the people you love, and the people who love you.
And to you:
I don't really know the right words to say. But yeah, hopefully your night with the family was good too. Happy Vday.

"I don't write about him because I don't know where to begin, because all the words in the world wouldn't be able to describe what he really means to me. 

I don't write about him because sentences and paragraphs have an end, 
and I don't want him to."

Nothing can.

Day 80.
1.16am.

Work nighttt.
Been such a crazed day: sleepover last night > breakfast with papa > town with cousin to run errands (saw Jasmine and it was awkward) > workz. Running on 4 hours of sleep from ytd and bad sleep at that, I'm surprised I'm still awake after all the walking and talking and typing and answering phone calls and what not. It was a great sleepover w my cousin yesterday though, haven't laughed so genuinely hard or long in the last 80 days. Thankful for family, & their distractions <3

Starting to think about Uni on a serious level.
Something I've been avoiding, but with 22 days left (mean KJS doing countdown for me ): ) I might as well admit: I can't run from this. Might as well prepare myself for the worst and plan all the possible backups I can think of right now then wait any longer. Uni is a scary idea, and the thought of facing it alone (cause I might not get into local u at the end of the day) is scarier...
But I have to admit. A small part of me, a really really really small part, is sort of glad I can put my JC days behind me. Don't get me wrong, it's been a great journey. I've been blessed with dedicated teachers, supportive friends, experiences I never thought I would get coming to MJ, you included, and I learnt so much academically (though I'm very not good at it) and mentally too. Just, all of that, I want to leave it for now. Keep it with me in my heart, but also to move forward. To start somewhere new, even if it means starting all over.

In a sense, I'm honestly considering going overseas. Though the possibility isn't high, but it's been something I wanted since the end of my first J1 year. Maybe it's time I stepped up and did something to my life properly: put it in a direction I want it to. I choose MJ then, and I never regretted it.
But right now, maybe right now, I need to choose something that isn't safe anymore. Maybe I've been too sheltered here all these years, going out there and living it hard on my own might be something I need right now. I know it sounds like I wanna run away, I don't deny it's a little like that.... but a bigger part is knowing that if I had that chance to leave, to explore and learn in a new place, in a place where what I want to study is more recognized, I would take that opportunity in a heart beat.

It's a little sad I guess, knowing right now there's nothing I would consider staying for.
Maybe it's not a bad thing, nothing here for me to stay for means that I will only give it my all if I really do get to go. But that's a really BIG IF, I gotta keep it real and be practical first. Dreams, though good to be pursued, can come later or maybe come true (if I try hard enough). Uni applications, what and where I want to study, or if I can even make it to study in a local U is honestly giving me a headache these days.

I surprised myself today. Not in a good way.
I didn't think that I would still feel that hurt anymore. I thought I was prepared for it. That I had, maybe, just maybe, become numb to it. But when that familiar heart sinking feeling came, when I felt my heart cringe from understanding that tone in your words, I couldn't help but scold myself for what I felt. Turns out that while my head is now learning to be rational, my heart still doesn't know that I can't afford to feel anything towards you anymore.

Time, is not perfect.

Day 77.

Cherry Blossoms in Japan.
I suddenly feel like looking at flowers. Which is weird, because I've never been a flowers sorta girl. A sudden feel that they're pretty and smell nice. MJ has this flower tree next to the C block that blooms a lot when the weather is hot and when the flowers fall it's one of the prettiest slights. Maybe one day I'll get to go to Japan and see this for myself. That'll be nice.

Spent the day with the Strictly Pancakes gang (odd name, cause I've never been to strictly pancakes with them but yeah... since we're not exactly classmates/cca mates or anything like that this is the best group name that was thought of) at Jing Shen's place with FIFA, movies, food and dance central. Been hanging out a lot with them lately, I see them more than anyone else from MJ really. The guys have been trying to teach Dawny and me FIFA and it's honestly hilarious. THEY CAN'T STOP CURSING throughout every game. HAHAHA, and their reactions plus retarded playing (sometimes) is so funny I end up having cramps from laughing instead of really even learning how to play.

Gonna be real sad when we send all of them off to army. :( They keep us girls entertained, really REALLY entertained for that matter. Haven't spoken to Chris properly in forever, even today over movies and stuff. Haix, it's odd not being as close as we were before with us both busy with our own stuff and in all honesty, I haven't been making the effort to go talk to her for the past few months when she hasn't been talking to me. Sometimes I'm a really horrible friend. I just have some issues I can't seem to get past I guess.

This is going to be a busy week.
Work, outings, family dinners, errands and some stuff I have to prepare for... I suppose it's a good thing. I'm occupied after all. "Keeping occupied is essential to the art of not thinking too much" I just made that up, but hey. It's really true okay. Really wished I could sleep better though, all this waking up at 4/5 am is making me feel really tired. Guess I'm just jittery that results are coming (it's all so fast) and the dreams too maybe...

11th week.
There are moments when I suddenly feel like I really, really, really miss you. And your face, how you look like... it's becoming unfamiliar to me. I miss the way you let me fall asleep on you and that safe feeling I get when I wake up after a nap in your arms. When I used to crave sweet things and you would give a face and say it's all Diabetes but still eat it with me anyways, cause you know I can't finish it all on my own.

They say: " Time will make it easier, you'll forget. It'll hurt less and after awhile you won't even feel it anymore." Well, maybe they lied. Maybe Time, is not perfect.
Maybe it doesn't make everything go away.... or maybe, 11 weeks isn't enough time yet to let the feelings I have for you fade.

John 11:25-27.

Day 74.
(a letter to my aunt)

1 year, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525 600 mins, 31 536 000 seconds.

Couldn't sleep last night. All I saw was you a year ago when I closed my eyes. All I saw was me coming too late, and you still and motionless. Nothing but skin and bones with your eyes closed and your skin grey. And then the tears come, because I remembered how much you suffered willingly for us, the people who loved you. How strong you were in character and will power.

I never did get a chance to tell you: You're the strongest person I know.
9 years is a long time to fight, a long time to persevere and keep on going. But through all the painful treatments, medication, operations, you found it in you to give Love. To teach us all how powerful Love is because it was what kept you going.

You never gave up on life, not even when it was giving up on you.
Your faith kept you strong, it kept your family strong, and you kept us all strong. I remember how you would get skinnier every single birthday, but insist on spending it with us. I remember how you'll always hold my hand and talk to me, give me advice, encourage me. Especially during my JC days when I was lost and struggling, you would pray for me, and pray with me.

I'm thankful for you.
For all the years I had you growing up, and for the hardest period of time in my life when I was 9. I remember that year, just before you fell sick. I never did show any emotion other than joy when I was a kid, I didn't like people to know I when I was sad or upset. Up till then I had never cried in front of other people. But I remember how you sat me down and took my little hands in yours and you said: "Dear Jesus, please give this child strength and courage to overcome this obstacle. Let her know that she is loved no matter what happens and I pray that her days be filled with happiness. Please protect her and show her your love"
I cried as you prayed. That was the first time I had cried in front of anyone in the midst of everything that had happened. I knew what was happening then, I just pretended I didn't as a child.

I never could forget that day, and I know I never will.
Years passed and I never got the chance to tell you how much your prayer broke into my surface and touched me. It was the first time I cried in front of anyone because of that incident. As I look back now, I'm sadden not really because you are no longer with us, because I know you've gone to a better place. I'm sadden because of how you had to suffer.

I'm not a Christian.
I don't go to church, or pray to Jesus, or read the bible. I do not disregard His existence or His teachings, but you are the reason I now pray to Him occasionally. On nights that I miss you, I pray to Him and ask that he keeps you safe in His house.

We all miss you. Dad's never been the same since you left and the space you left behind can't be filled no matter how much we all laugh and joke. We know you're in a better place though, where there's no pain or worries, illness and suffering. We know you're happy and at peace. But even knowing that doesn't really make it easier for any of us.

A day will come when our hearts will heal properly, and we will learn to miss you the proper way: not with tears of sadness or longing. But with hope and happiness because you're always in our hearts. That day will come. I know it will. Until then, I hope you are well up there. Thank you for safe guarding all of us all these years, when you were alive and even now when you're gone. Thank you for the times you held me and gave me strength, thank you for your love.

I won't say I don't miss you.
I won't tell you I won't cry over you anymore and I won't say I've forgotten the night you left. Because that would be lying. But it's okay, I want to remember everything about you. The good and the sad, that way you'll always be around and alive; in our hearts.

"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die."
John 11:25-27

24.12.2011
Your birthday 3 years ago

I will always remember you, I promise.

I miss you, every single one of you.

Fix You - Boyce Avenue &Tyler Ward (Acoustic cover)

Day 73.

Work Day.

Been listening to this a lot at night. It's a really great cover for one, and the lyrics well, is pretty apt.

First morning-evening shift and it was kinda bad :( at first at least. Had a rough night of sleep ytd, kept dreaming and waking so much that I didn't really sleep much, plus the meds makes it harder to feel energized in the day. I was pretty much weak and tired the whole day, but the thing about banquets is that the adrenaline keeps you going. That's the fun part too I guess: being busy, having something to do, learning to deal with people and meeting kids around your age. In the end it worked out okay though, the event went smoothly and I met a really nice girl~

Burden called from Tekong just now.

In all honesty, I'm glad we're still good friends now. All of us. 

2013 put a strain on our friendship, and there was a moment that I thought I might not be able to keep him as a friend anymore. I guess all he really needed was time away to sort it out himself... I can't say we are the way we were, because we're not. But we're close to where we all started, and I'll take that any day than having to lose this friend.

In a sense talking to him over the phone felt like I was talking to a brother I sent in to the army. Asking questions like how's life in there, food, punishment, section mates, buddies, sergeants and everything else there can be to army life. It was the same with Edward when he went in last year too. These guys are like family, they are family to me at least. Life in there might not be that bad, but there are times when having a friend around on the shitty days can make army much more bearable. 

A part of me felt guilty though.

I know for him, it might not be the way it is for me. Being there for him as a friend is good and all, necessary too because I regard him as one of my closest guy friends. I owe him a lot for when he helped me when I was going through crap in J1 and the early months of J2 too. It's just, that's all I can be and all that I will ever be. 

It's sad. It's sad when you know, in the end, you're gonna end up hurting and disappointing someone you didn't intend to. Is this how you felt?

Tomorrow is the 7th February 2014.

It'll be exactly a year since my aunt passed, and that shadow still hangs around sometimes. It's in the eyes of my grandmother, in the sigh of my dad, in the photos of her everywhere in my grandparents house, in the way we still talk about her as if she was just next to us and the occasional tears that still come when I think of her. I don't really know how I will deal tomorrow when I visit that marble slab with her name and face engraved. But whatever it is I'm feeling, it has to be worst for the ones who love her more than I do.

Sigh, it seems I really am bad at dealing with loss.... It's an oddly helpless feeling, when you lose family, a friend, and the one you love. I've been spending too many nights in nostalgia of the people and things I'm not going to get back. 

I guess I just miss my aunt, Berns and you.

I miss all of you guys, every single one of you.

Empty.

Day 70.

3.34am

Another night where physical tiredness isn't enough to take away all that's on the mind.

Such a long and nice day today with the Fam at Sentosa and then meeting the guys for soccer at night. Glad that I have my family with me through all that I'm still trying to figure out; myself really.

Some days are better than the others: some days are glittering gold while others are grey, blue, dusty and faded. Some days I wake up feeling like a New person, all motivated and happy again. And others I wake up to me feeling like I'm slipping through the cracks again.

Weird isn't it?

How we make things that are simple so complicated. Is it a human thing? Perhaps it might be. I can't explain so well anymore. Maybe cause some things aren't meant to be explained. Sometimes there are things that are better left unspoken. Yet it's these same unspoken things that keeps us up all night and eat away at our hearts.

Once or twice, maybe more, something comes along that makes the hurt feel so real again. 

Once in awhile I still cry myself to sleep, still do the same things, talk the same way you do. 

All these little things, sometimes still take me by surprise and I still pause in the midst of whatever I'm doing and just let that sudden sadness wash over me. Let myself feel all the emotions like it was yesterday, just a moment, then I'll build up the walls again. Then I'll put on the mask and pretend like that moment never happened; I go on.

When you feel something long enough, it becomes second nature.

That space you left behind is something I am now used to. The empty feeling every time I see or hear or think about something you once said/you always do/we were going to do together. That empty feeling is familiarity now. That feeling that you've now become a stranger to me, and how much that acknowledgement hurts, I'm used to it too.

Funny thing is, even with all that I am used to, I still find myself thinking about you, talking about the good times with you, the things I wanted to do with you. When I see a pretty sight I still think: "It'll be nice to come here with him." When I see something I know you'll like, I think of you. When something happens, I think of the things I know you'll say in response to it. Walking along the streets, I keep thinking I see you, so I look back at that person and stare till I realize: The truth is, whoever that person is, it's not you.

I am different now. I've said it before: "when you lose someone, you'll change. And depending on how much that person meant to you, that's how much you'll change." I don't really drink or eat anything sweet nowadays, I don't talk as much as I used to, I dream a lot, I'm taking spicy food, I changed my playlist, my phone's wallpaper. I like to be alone more, I run more now late at night even though I hate running. I avoid certain places, topics, people. I don't like it when guys I don't know try to make friends with me now, I stop talking to people the moment I feel like the conversation is similar to the way we used to talk. I speak differently and sometimes act differently too. 

I've changed. Still me, but different at the same time. Sometimes I wake up, look at myself in the mirror and think: Who are you? You don't look like me.

Every few minutes I look at my phone, not sure what it is exactly I'm waiting for, and look at the wallpaper that says: Stay Strong.

Once in awhile I accidentally stumble upon our old photos and see that smile that I fell in love with. Once in awhile I close my eyes, and try to remember everything about you: your face, your eyes, your wrinkly forehead, my hand in yours, the way you hugged me, your laugh and ego, your smell, your warmth. Remember whatever I can, whatever there's left.

It's always the same.

Even as I get better, it's always the same at the end of the day. But all of this isn't the hardest thing to deal with. The hardest part is now finally understanding how you felt as you unloved me:

" I don't expect it was easy - falling out of love is a painful internal process. You feel it happening, and you helplessly watch love drain from your heart. Every day you see your partner in an ever diminishing light. Its painful, sad, hopeless and makes you feel guilty as hell particularly if your partner did nothing to bring it on. Having your love die for someone is like watching a loved one die from a long, painful terminal illness. You know it will end, and you've accepted it - but you don't want it to end at the same time. You remember how much you did love them, and you know you'll miss them - but the love just keeps dying. Why? That's the most infuriating part. Sometimes there is no why. Toward the end, when the pain is so great - you find to your horror and guilt that you wish it would just end, so that the pain can end and you can go on with your life after you let go and move on."

- Unknown

I knew all along that it was difficult for you, even though you ended it. But only after I read this somewhere did I realize how truly painful it must have been for you. When I think of all that you've dealt with alone I can only say: I am so so sorry. I really am.

This is why right now I don't allow myself to hope, or to even try being anyone in your life.

Maybe all you can remember about us now is the pain from having to end it. Maybe all you really want to do is to forget about me. It's okay, you can if you need to, if you want to. I won't be upset anymore if that's what you need, I will try my best to stay away. This is the only thing left that I can do for you. I really am sorry.

CNY 2014.

One Republic - Something I need

Day 68.

Finally have time to write. 

Current song on repeat, I've been playing this a lot lately. Not quite sure why though.

Day 2 into CNY and the hectic visiting as usual. Had 2 reunion dinners on 初夕 and went to 6 places on 初一. A year not visiting and it honestly feels different. Guess it's cause my aunt's no longer here and Kai is in Swiss. A year ago so much was different, New Year was spent at a funeral and all of us were pretty much depressed. A year's gone past and everyone's slowly walking out of that, laughing more, joking more when we get together. We don't cry as we talk about her, but she's still in our hearts though. We've never forgotten her, not for a minute.

When people leave not all of them disappears. 

Maybe physically they do, and in time the memories become hazy but the heart never forgets. No matter who or what. If they are/it's important, the heart will always remember.

Enough of that for now though. Gonna sum up the past few days in photos:

CNY eve:

I may be sick (AGAIN) but the pussy willows have been my job every year and this year inclusive! I always get to decorate it however I like and it's the only time of year I get to make a huge mess on the floor and mum won't scold me for it. MUAHHAHA.
Went for Dinz at Aljunid w dad's side and Li caught a candid shot on the way there (I really needed the shades cause I looked like crap that day from being sick) And the last 2 were taken at Hougang Gram's place, w me looking super cui, because 二姨 got me the cutest fluffy toy and I was being retarded so Jie took photos of me. BTW that's secretly a pillow and has a blanket in it HOW COOL IS THATTTTT?!?!?! I just love my 二姨! Thank you <3

CNY 初一 :

Dad and Mum <3  it's been awhile since the 3
of us took a photo together.

this is cause, my face is a FISHBALL but damn
these shoes make my legs look skinny (sorta) HAAHAH

大姐, me, 二姐
 don't know what I'll do without my sisters (cousins)

with my super pretty 二姐

ALL THE GIRLS from mum's side:
Mimi, Tian Tian, Me, 大姐, 二姐

New arm candy
Kenneth Cole all white rose gold watch
mum & pops got me for Chistmas

Day 1 was 6 houses: Hougang > Aljunid > Jurong east > Jurong west > Seng Kang > Hougang

Crazy crazy crazy but at least I got to see all my distant relatives, great grandma, god mum and fam, god cousins and fam etc etc. Family gatherings are great and all, but the questions that I keep getting asked and the comments made were generally the same: 

1) Oh my, you've grown so much bigger/ so tall/ so pretty now. 

2) Why do you look so skinny? Lost so much weight/ why your mum 越喂妳越瘦?/ Your mum never feed you? (I must admit, I thought the comment on my mum "越喂妳越瘦" was quite funny HAHA. But just so it's clear, mumz isn't torturing me/not giving me food. HAHA)

3) So, how was A-levels? Where/what are you intending to study?

4) Do you have a boyfriend now?/ Aiyo, why no boyfriend? Is have but don't dare to say in front of mum right?

Yeap, that's basically all the conversations I've had with distant relatives/family friends so far. 3 and 4 are pretty much common, but honestly if I had a dollar for every time someone made those comments just this 3 days alone, I'll be $30 richer at least.

I don't get how it is that they all can say 1-4 but not realize that I sound like a guy right now when I speak. lol. For the record, I've been going around to 拜年 with an insanely HO(a)RSE voice that's barely audible. AH HA, SEE WHAT I DID THERE?? Year of the HORSE. I think I'm quite funny, heh heh. Okay, being retarded and lame actually...

CNY 初二:

60's

This photo was taken here cause this was where my mum grew up (gran's place) and what my mum would have worn in her "hey days" when she was younger. I guess I just wanted to kinda pay tribute to my grandparents and my mum for all they've done for me, and sides, I grew up here too. It's a place with a lot of memories.

Mumz wasn't all too happy about my all black and white though (hahhaa, typical mumz and CNY stuff) so I had a red lip just to please her and it made her so much happier. I don't really understand why, but okay, as long as she's happy.

and lastly,

I hope whatever happened last night worked out in the end for you.

It honestly feels weird to not be able to do much for you anymore, not even to listen or just be by your side to try and make things better. But yeah, whatever it is that happened, whatever it is that might happen soon, I hope it'll all be okay for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.