Day 90.
" He probably doesn't want to meet. Just pass it to _____ uh, since it's so much. Find another way to pass it."
"Nah, I'll find some other way. I don't really want to see him too I guess. Tired. And ____ isn't good now"
"Yeah, okay. So just yeah."
"This is a feeling no amount of writing or talking or crying or saying I can't give a shit anymore can really explain. It's odd when someone who was momentarily your everything becomes a complete stranger. Yeah, funny how life works."
"Yeah it's normal. And happens to everyone, somehow. Some points in life you will experience. Thats when you grow and learn. Life experiences."
"Mmm, I know. Just I didn't want to have to know this feeling though. I guess I should have known I wasn't ready to trust someone else with my heart. Not after monster 2 years ago. My fault, but yeah. too bad. No point in all of that now. Just I know better than to trust my feelings that easily anymore."
"No one is ever aware of what will happen. No one said trust will never be broken. No one is perfect. Someone will hurt you one way or another."
"Yeah. That's life."
"Mmm"
"Haix, forget it. HAHAHA I'm just taking it badly and being fucked up."
"I took one year to get over_____, a friendship somemore. Comeon uh I get it can."
"I took 3 years to get over the first person I really ever had a crushed on. Then I met monster in J1 and it ended up in a mess too. Then he came out of no where and was everything and more. Everything I didn't expect. Didn't think was possible in a person, and I fell. I fell hard, which was my fault.
I'm not saying its easy too. Or that you are saying its easy. Just this is something that has always been hard for me: letting go.
And you know me too. No matter a friend, something, family, someone I loved, my dog even wtf.
I know everyone's right. And I know the right thing too. I've about said this a fucking million times. And I know you know too, how bloody frustrating it is to care about someone who no longer seems to give a shit about you.
Its an internal struggle. Every single day of my life and it's not just him. My future, my dad. Every min I think about it. It keeps me up at night, it eats at me even when I laugh and pretend to be the fuck okay.
And I feel guilty. Guilty to the people who care about me, guilty to the people I'm letting down and guilty to the people I've hurt, him included.
Its just even knowing all of this. Even with being tired as hell of saying the god damn same things over and over and over again. Even with the trying of not to give a shit and the writing to vent it all out. Even with the avoiding of the things and the people we both know, even though I've tried not to think about the space he left behind.....
The cold hard truth is that its still there. In the dreams, in the people on the streets I see that I think is him, in the people who didn't know about us and talk about him as if I don't know him. Its in the people I now meet and realise they were sec school friends or this or that. Its in the way I hear things even when I don't want to, see things when I least expect it.
You can prepare yourself and build up the walls. You can lie and say you don't give a shit anymore to the people who knew and aren't that close to you. You don't have to cry in front of anyone else anymore. And lying that you're perfectly fine is second nature.
You can do all of that but still feel like your heart is dying inside. A little bit more each day when you realise things and when you see couples or when you get reminded of him, and even as you admit he no longer cares about you at all, in any way. And when you realise this person whom you knew so much about, whom you were so familiar with is now a complete stranger.
I've never been angry at him. Not until thurs night. But above everything else I'm worried too. About the way he is becoming. Sleeping at 4/5/6 am and waking up at 3/4/5 pm in the afternoon. Its like his life is messed up. People all say he's okay, but to me something is wrong. He isn't himself. Wth is he doing I cant tell anymore. I'm worried about him, even when I know I shouldn't and it's not my business to care anymore.
I've been telling myself all this time: as long as he's happy I can deal with anything else.
The thing is I can eventually accept that he doesn't want me. But if he didn't want me then at least be happy. Be happy so I can try and hate him or something and use that as a motivation to get on with my life.
There's nothing like a feeling you get every night when you lie awake till 3/4 am thinking about the people who left you, the people you lost and the people you left yourself. And wonder if its all you, your own fault. And then there's the feeling that I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with my life when the time comes and I still don't seem to have an answer.
Its how you sometimes feel towards Zack, your own future. And maybe even more.
There's so much I've been wanting to tell you all these months but I just didn't know how. Cause you've had crap to deal with on your own and so often half way through trying to tell you I would start feeling frustrated. Feeling like you couldn't understand and I know its just me being selfish. That's why I shunned you. And you know it too.... I'm sorry for that. I really am.
Its just Chris, I struggle so much now that he's not around. In the past few months he kept me together, and he did it without even realizing that he was the reason prelims and A's and everything else that went wrong was bearable. I hate to admit this, but he was more important than I thought he was. And I hate to admit this too, but yeah, I still love him. All my other worries and this. It's all my own doing, I know. It's just it's all killing me on the inside."
This is the most honest I've been with you in months but if I didn't say it now I may never have the courage to again. And I'm sorry I've been such a huge asshole these few months. I'm still trying, failing terribly, but trying. I know you've been trying to be as understanding as you can and that it's been difficult to deal with me ever since all that's happened. But our friendship is more than worth the fight, so I'll keep trying till I can get over myself and my own issues. I just hope you know, I am both thankful for and sorry to you.
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