Nothing can.

Day 80.
1.16am.

Work nighttt.
Been such a crazed day: sleepover last night > breakfast with papa > town with cousin to run errands (saw Jasmine and it was awkward) > workz. Running on 4 hours of sleep from ytd and bad sleep at that, I'm surprised I'm still awake after all the walking and talking and typing and answering phone calls and what not. It was a great sleepover w my cousin yesterday though, haven't laughed so genuinely hard or long in the last 80 days. Thankful for family, & their distractions <3

Starting to think about Uni on a serious level.
Something I've been avoiding, but with 22 days left (mean KJS doing countdown for me ): ) I might as well admit: I can't run from this. Might as well prepare myself for the worst and plan all the possible backups I can think of right now then wait any longer. Uni is a scary idea, and the thought of facing it alone (cause I might not get into local u at the end of the day) is scarier...
But I have to admit. A small part of me, a really really really small part, is sort of glad I can put my JC days behind me. Don't get me wrong, it's been a great journey. I've been blessed with dedicated teachers, supportive friends, experiences I never thought I would get coming to MJ, you included, and I learnt so much academically (though I'm very not good at it) and mentally too. Just, all of that, I want to leave it for now. Keep it with me in my heart, but also to move forward. To start somewhere new, even if it means starting all over.

In a sense, I'm honestly considering going overseas. Though the possibility isn't high, but it's been something I wanted since the end of my first J1 year. Maybe it's time I stepped up and did something to my life properly: put it in a direction I want it to. I choose MJ then, and I never regretted it.
But right now, maybe right now, I need to choose something that isn't safe anymore. Maybe I've been too sheltered here all these years, going out there and living it hard on my own might be something I need right now. I know it sounds like I wanna run away, I don't deny it's a little like that.... but a bigger part is knowing that if I had that chance to leave, to explore and learn in a new place, in a place where what I want to study is more recognized, I would take that opportunity in a heart beat.

It's a little sad I guess, knowing right now there's nothing I would consider staying for.
Maybe it's not a bad thing, nothing here for me to stay for means that I will only give it my all if I really do get to go. But that's a really BIG IF, I gotta keep it real and be practical first. Dreams, though good to be pursued, can come later or maybe come true (if I try hard enough). Uni applications, what and where I want to study, or if I can even make it to study in a local U is honestly giving me a headache these days.

I surprised myself today. Not in a good way.
I didn't think that I would still feel that hurt anymore. I thought I was prepared for it. That I had, maybe, just maybe, become numb to it. But when that familiar heart sinking feeling came, when I felt my heart cringe from understanding that tone in your words, I couldn't help but scold myself for what I felt. Turns out that while my head is now learning to be rational, my heart still doesn't know that I can't afford to feel anything towards you anymore.