Empty.

Day 70.

3.34am

Another night where physical tiredness isn't enough to take away all that's on the mind.

Such a long and nice day today with the Fam at Sentosa and then meeting the guys for soccer at night. Glad that I have my family with me through all that I'm still trying to figure out; myself really.

Some days are better than the others: some days are glittering gold while others are grey, blue, dusty and faded. Some days I wake up feeling like a New person, all motivated and happy again. And others I wake up to me feeling like I'm slipping through the cracks again.

Weird isn't it?

How we make things that are simple so complicated. Is it a human thing? Perhaps it might be. I can't explain so well anymore. Maybe cause some things aren't meant to be explained. Sometimes there are things that are better left unspoken. Yet it's these same unspoken things that keeps us up all night and eat away at our hearts.

Once or twice, maybe more, something comes along that makes the hurt feel so real again. 

Once in awhile I still cry myself to sleep, still do the same things, talk the same way you do. 

All these little things, sometimes still take me by surprise and I still pause in the midst of whatever I'm doing and just let that sudden sadness wash over me. Let myself feel all the emotions like it was yesterday, just a moment, then I'll build up the walls again. Then I'll put on the mask and pretend like that moment never happened; I go on.

When you feel something long enough, it becomes second nature.

That space you left behind is something I am now used to. The empty feeling every time I see or hear or think about something you once said/you always do/we were going to do together. That empty feeling is familiarity now. That feeling that you've now become a stranger to me, and how much that acknowledgement hurts, I'm used to it too.

Funny thing is, even with all that I am used to, I still find myself thinking about you, talking about the good times with you, the things I wanted to do with you. When I see a pretty sight I still think: "It'll be nice to come here with him." When I see something I know you'll like, I think of you. When something happens, I think of the things I know you'll say in response to it. Walking along the streets, I keep thinking I see you, so I look back at that person and stare till I realize: The truth is, whoever that person is, it's not you.

I am different now. I've said it before: "when you lose someone, you'll change. And depending on how much that person meant to you, that's how much you'll change." I don't really drink or eat anything sweet nowadays, I don't talk as much as I used to, I dream a lot, I'm taking spicy food, I changed my playlist, my phone's wallpaper. I like to be alone more, I run more now late at night even though I hate running. I avoid certain places, topics, people. I don't like it when guys I don't know try to make friends with me now, I stop talking to people the moment I feel like the conversation is similar to the way we used to talk. I speak differently and sometimes act differently too. 

I've changed. Still me, but different at the same time. Sometimes I wake up, look at myself in the mirror and think: Who are you? You don't look like me.

Every few minutes I look at my phone, not sure what it is exactly I'm waiting for, and look at the wallpaper that says: Stay Strong.

Once in awhile I accidentally stumble upon our old photos and see that smile that I fell in love with. Once in awhile I close my eyes, and try to remember everything about you: your face, your eyes, your wrinkly forehead, my hand in yours, the way you hugged me, your laugh and ego, your smell, your warmth. Remember whatever I can, whatever there's left.

It's always the same.

Even as I get better, it's always the same at the end of the day. But all of this isn't the hardest thing to deal with. The hardest part is now finally understanding how you felt as you unloved me:

" I don't expect it was easy - falling out of love is a painful internal process. You feel it happening, and you helplessly watch love drain from your heart. Every day you see your partner in an ever diminishing light. Its painful, sad, hopeless and makes you feel guilty as hell particularly if your partner did nothing to bring it on. Having your love die for someone is like watching a loved one die from a long, painful terminal illness. You know it will end, and you've accepted it - but you don't want it to end at the same time. You remember how much you did love them, and you know you'll miss them - but the love just keeps dying. Why? That's the most infuriating part. Sometimes there is no why. Toward the end, when the pain is so great - you find to your horror and guilt that you wish it would just end, so that the pain can end and you can go on with your life after you let go and move on."

- Unknown

I knew all along that it was difficult for you, even though you ended it. But only after I read this somewhere did I realize how truly painful it must have been for you. When I think of all that you've dealt with alone I can only say: I am so so sorry. I really am.

This is why right now I don't allow myself to hope, or to even try being anyone in your life.

Maybe all you can remember about us now is the pain from having to end it. Maybe all you really want to do is to forget about me. It's okay, you can if you need to, if you want to. I won't be upset anymore if that's what you need, I will try my best to stay away. This is the only thing left that I can do for you. I really am sorry.