John 11:25-27.

Day 74.
(a letter to my aunt)

1 year, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525 600 mins, 31 536 000 seconds.

Couldn't sleep last night. All I saw was you a year ago when I closed my eyes. All I saw was me coming too late, and you still and motionless. Nothing but skin and bones with your eyes closed and your skin grey. And then the tears come, because I remembered how much you suffered willingly for us, the people who loved you. How strong you were in character and will power.

I never did get a chance to tell you: You're the strongest person I know.
9 years is a long time to fight, a long time to persevere and keep on going. But through all the painful treatments, medication, operations, you found it in you to give Love. To teach us all how powerful Love is because it was what kept you going.

You never gave up on life, not even when it was giving up on you.
Your faith kept you strong, it kept your family strong, and you kept us all strong. I remember how you would get skinnier every single birthday, but insist on spending it with us. I remember how you'll always hold my hand and talk to me, give me advice, encourage me. Especially during my JC days when I was lost and struggling, you would pray for me, and pray with me.

I'm thankful for you.
For all the years I had you growing up, and for the hardest period of time in my life when I was 9. I remember that year, just before you fell sick. I never did show any emotion other than joy when I was a kid, I didn't like people to know I when I was sad or upset. Up till then I had never cried in front of other people. But I remember how you sat me down and took my little hands in yours and you said: "Dear Jesus, please give this child strength and courage to overcome this obstacle. Let her know that she is loved no matter what happens and I pray that her days be filled with happiness. Please protect her and show her your love"
I cried as you prayed. That was the first time I had cried in front of anyone in the midst of everything that had happened. I knew what was happening then, I just pretended I didn't as a child.

I never could forget that day, and I know I never will.
Years passed and I never got the chance to tell you how much your prayer broke into my surface and touched me. It was the first time I cried in front of anyone because of that incident. As I look back now, I'm sadden not really because you are no longer with us, because I know you've gone to a better place. I'm sadden because of how you had to suffer.

I'm not a Christian.
I don't go to church, or pray to Jesus, or read the bible. I do not disregard His existence or His teachings, but you are the reason I now pray to Him occasionally. On nights that I miss you, I pray to Him and ask that he keeps you safe in His house.

We all miss you. Dad's never been the same since you left and the space you left behind can't be filled no matter how much we all laugh and joke. We know you're in a better place though, where there's no pain or worries, illness and suffering. We know you're happy and at peace. But even knowing that doesn't really make it easier for any of us.

A day will come when our hearts will heal properly, and we will learn to miss you the proper way: not with tears of sadness or longing. But with hope and happiness because you're always in our hearts. That day will come. I know it will. Until then, I hope you are well up there. Thank you for safe guarding all of us all these years, when you were alive and even now when you're gone. Thank you for the times you held me and gave me strength, thank you for your love.

I won't say I don't miss you.
I won't tell you I won't cry over you anymore and I won't say I've forgotten the night you left. Because that would be lying. But it's okay, I want to remember everything about you. The good and the sad, that way you'll always be around and alive; in our hearts.

"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die."
John 11:25-27

24.12.2011
Your birthday 3 years ago

I will always remember you, I promise.