new years eve.

countdown: 46 mins to 2012.
IT'S ALMOST HERE! 2012. the end of the world?

i highly doubt so (: , but we'll see won't we. so we've finally come to the end of 2011, and i only have two words to say about that: that's fast. i decided to recap a little on my soon-to-be past year. seeing that i've mention the year has gone by so quickly at least a gazillion times, it's time to talk about other stuff. this year, i've had my fair share of fun, smile, tears and laughter.

it's been a bittersweet year for me. i'm glad i got to meet so many amazing people who have given me lots to smile and laugh about, and i'm really thankful to the people who've stood by me, encouraged me, cried with me and laughed with me. to everyone and anyone who has made me smile and laugh: KEEP MAKING ME LAUGH AND SMILE! HAHA (:

though it's been a pretty tough year, i still learnt alot through each episode. through all the drama, crazy and failures, i believe i will come out stronger and may be a little wiser? ( i hope). ah well, the year is really at it's end. time to forget the regrets, cherish the memories and look forward to what's in store for me. time to hit the restart button (:

start counting.

countdown: 25 hours before 2012.

i can't believe i went from counting months, to counting weeks, to counting days and now i'm finally counting hours. i feel the need to keep saying that the year has passed by faster than i would have liked it. O.o no wonder i've been feeling old lately. haha.

today, i met with a friend whom i haven't seen in 7 months. yet the moment we saw each other, i knew that we both felt the same thing: time may pass, but what we have between us will never change. we didn't get to spend much time together, but we managed to update each other on the major happenings in the last 7 months. somehow after seeing her today, i feel very thankful. thankful that i still have friends like that around me. friends who aren't always by my side, but they are never far from my heart.

today is also the day when i finally decided to get down to clearing out my wardrobe and packing up my messy, war-zone like room. discovering all my old stuff makes me feel quite nostalgic, a feeling that i'm sure many will have at least once in their lifetime. i can't help but smile, laugh, and sigh at the old me. i was once too naive and quite foolish. i do realise though, that at the end of every mistake i've once made, i came out stronger, much more stubborn and i have slightly more determination. but i've also become a little more afraid. i wonder if it's a good thing. hmm.

countdown: 24 hours and 41 mins till 2012.
and i'm still thinking back on this past year. thinking back on everything i've done, every step i've taken. did i do the right thing? tomorrow is the last day of this short yet very emotional year. i shall spend it like it's my last, and try to do my best in whatever it is i decide to do tomorrow. (:

be who you are.

hey, i recently read a good friend's blog and saw that she's been having some... comments on the way she expresses herself and her style of writing. you can read more here: http://oi-tingah.blogspot.com/2011/12/i-will.html and here: http://oi-tingah.blogspot.com/2011/12/not-person-who-asked-last-question-i.html . i was reading through what these people said and no offence to them, but what they said was pretty much plain mean. i assume those people don't really even know my friend, so i decided to try and write about it. i am going to judge, but i hope i don't sound too judmental. haha! here goes:

to the anonymous people:
hi, i know that everyone has their own comments, their own special way of thinking and their freedom of speech. of course that means that you too, have your own opinions and the freedom to say whatever you want. but i hope you all know that your words were kinda harsh. maybe you are people who are very frank and straightforward and will never beat around the bush when it comes to your thoughts. if so, then it is understandable that you might, at times, not think twice about your words and say them.

but honestly if she was your friend, would you have said the same words without hesitation? (i'm assuming you don't know ying ting that is) if she was your friend, i'm sure you would have at least tried to consider her feelings, in spite of your frank and straightforward nature. IF YOU ARE HER FRIEND though, then you, i'm very sorry to say, are a coward. because you can't even tell your own friend your opinion face to face. and to make things worst, as her friend, you're hurting her with your words intentionally.

that being said, if you really are a stranger, then may i ask why would you say those words to another complete stranger? if i didn't know anyone that well, or at all, i would never pass such hurtful comments on that person. even if i did have anything critical to say, i would try keep it to myself because 1) i don't know the person, his/her personality and 2) due to 1), i don't  have the right to pass harsh critisim. or at the very least, at the end of it all, apologize to the person.

i feel that this is basic respect, not saying that it is A MUST. just that, i feel that this is basic people respect. if any of my words, as of right now, sound expectionaly harsh and judgemental to you, then i apologize. still, now do you know how she feels when you say that about her?

opinions are a person's own point of view and thoughts about any matter or anyone. i agree that we all have our own rights and freedom of speech, i just hope that it will not be at the expense of another person's feelings.

now, to ying ting:
hey! you already know how and what i think about this. but one more reminder: be who you are and say what you feel, for those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. stay strong. (:

yeah, so that's about it. once again, if anyone's feelings have been hurt, i sincerely apologize, because i don't mean to have a hatefest on you. but i still feel that maybe you shouldn't go around hurting other people's feelings in the first place. (just my opinion, sorry if i sould like a complete bitch.)

boxing day.

she, has the best voice ever.
her version of this song never fails to make me feel inspired and sort of hopeful. (:

                                                                 leona lewis - run

oh yeah, i went to watch mission impossible: ghost protocol today. it was a last minute decision, decided in 20 secs: 'let's go watch a movie' , my response: 'okay'. for those who haven't watch it, it's a really good show! (:

all i want for christmas.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! (:
it's time for one of the prettiest and cosiest holiday of the year, and i can't believe it's the 25TH of DEC already. where has all the time gone?! with chirstmas already here, the new year is only a few days away. O.o the weather today has been windy, chilly in a nice way and just the way i like it. it's a good day to curl up in bed and read, or laze around. i'm very good at doing both. (:

maybe cause it's christmas, i feel exceptionally cheerful. like all my little worries and weird thoughts have vanished. and even though nothing is perfect, i still feel happy. lol. that word isn't really used often anymore, you hear people say: i feel good or i had a great day, it was fun, that was awesome. hardly ever: i feel happy. i wonder what ever happened to saying the most basic form of emotions. hmm?

anyways, here comes the popular question of: what do you want this chirstmas?
er... this year however, i don't really have an answer to that question. actually, i don't most years. i suppose all i want, christmas or not, is for those around me to always be happy and that i stay true to who i am.

cheesy and kinda hard to happen, cause obviously no one will be able to be happy always and i know i will definetely waver along the way. but, after years of thinking, this is the best summary of what i think i want (: who knows, my wish list may change next year.

oh, and to the person who personally delivered a christmas card right to my doorstep: thanks so much!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! (:

5 years.

not knowing why, today i suddenly recalled something that happened years ago. 5 years to be exact. funny how that scene replayed infront of me as if i was a third person. O.o i remember walking down that path laughing and smiling and i remember the person who was with me. though 5 years later, little has changed along that path and i still smile at that memory, there still is a difference: that person who walked by my side isn't really in my life anymore.

that friend once gave me alot to laugh about, but alot has changed since then and for some reasons, i suppose you could say we lost touch. it's been 2 years since i last spoke to him and we didn't part very well but under those circumstances, no one would really be too surprised. i don't really think about that incident anymore, but today was an exception and i'm a little surprised that i can still remember the little details. hmm..


5 years may be enough time for many things to change, but i suppose it's not enough for anything to be forgotten.

sleepless.

i should stop this insanity and let it be.
i wonder why i keep looking to hit myself in the face, and all i end up hearing is things that i don't really want to hear cause i'd just end up getting hurt. i've always believed that things happen for a reason, sometimes that reason won't show itself, and at times i don't bother to question the reason. but now i find myself asking: why make me go through all this, why do i have to know?

my curiousity regarding why people act a certain way has long died down, so if i'm no longer looking, why let me know? does it please anyone to see me struggle with everything that i'm faced with? i'm trying to figure things out, clear my mind, yet i end up getting more confused and indecisive.

and just when i finally think i can stop guessing, stop running in circles and get to know someone properly and figure things out, i learn that i'm wrong. again. here's the truth: i'll never get there. i've never accepted defeat easily, and i can be very stubborn at times but it might finally be time for me to admit defeat and stop trying.

as marr once said: just let it end. question is: can i?

yet another sleepless night. haix.

if i could do it over.

i think about this sometimes, but last night i had another reminder by a close friend. that person said that if everything could be done over, he/she wouldn't have chosen the same things. honestly, i have had that thought alot this whole past year. every step i take, i'll look back a little later and ask myself what i would have done if i was given a second shot. i come up with all the possibilities in my head, but in the end, i realise one thing:

no matter what i say or do now, i can't undo what i've already said or done.

i told that friend of mine too. nothing's gonna change, all the sad times, bad times, hurt, upset or disappointment. it's all set in stone and in the end, the only thing that can change all that, is your perspective. truthfully, i know that saying: 'change your perspective' is easy, but when it comes to doing it, it's really hard. how can it not be? i can say it, but the truth is that i learn that everyday the hard way too.

i get hurt, i fall down, i get disappointed. there might be anger, frustration and alot of grieve, and at that moment, i will never for a second think about changing perspectives. but after awhile, i look back and i realise that maybe it ain't all bad. i'm sure among those times, i once smiled and laughed. i'm sure there was a time when i was happy even through all the upset. it's just that i was too preoccupied by my upset to see those happy times.

i can't say i've never regretted anything, cause i have regrets. but they don't last long and i try so very hard to make up for those regrets every chance i get. even when it gets too hard to bear, i try to gritt my teeth and get on with it. and even though i know i may hurt someone, if it's for their good, i'll still do it. as sheryl lee once said: short term hurt for long term benefits, better now than later.

yet even knowing that, i still can't help but feel like i was too harsh and pretty much an asshole. i just hope that that person knows i have to do this, so that i won't end up hurting that person even more. it is the right thing to do, so then why do i feel so crappy about it?


haix, perhaps i'm having the wrong perspective again.

Can you hear me?

i'm awake.
i can't sleep, cause there's something bothering me. i'm lying in bed, and blogging on my itouch. this is a first. but i'm feeling very uneasy. something's wrong, yet i don't really know what it is. every night, I lay awake, trying to sleep. and all around, it's so quiet. i'm not super religious, but sometimes i pray.

hello up there, can you all hear me?
it's me again. i know i sometimes ask for things that seem too funny to ask for. still, there are times too when i ask for more erm, understandable things, like the determination and strength to follow through my decisions and face the future. But i keep forgetting another important thing. i need to say i'm sorry. i'm sorry for some of my mistakes, and the times when i didn't want to believe. though it's a little selfish, but i need help again. please let me put the past behind and face my mistakes. let me tie up lose ends and find a new...purpose. i know that i must also do something to change this, so i'll try too. just please, if it's possible, help me again. please.

thank you.

sun, sand and high on sugar.

i spent thursday out with the girls. we headed to sentosa at 10 plus in the morning and did ridiculous things as we usually would. the weather was a little crazy. O.o cloudy then sunny, then drizzle, then sunny again and drizzle and sunny... worst than a girl. ying ting tried to even out her uneven tan, but needless to say the weather didn't allow it.

dividing our time between lays eating competition, pushing each other into the water, slacking around and having a frisbee game, the time passed pretty quickly and we headed down to vivo to meet sheryl l, aaron and jason to have BnJ's for lunch!! thanks to their prom, we got HEAPS of ice cream cause it was really cheap. the amount of sugar we took was seriously..... ALOT. to top it off, fi baked us chocolate cupcakes and we all ended up having major sugar rush and going super high.

so we found ourselves at the rooftop of vivo, sitting in a circle, singing at the top of our voices to marr's playlist. considering the number of people who stared at us, i would say we wouldn't be that surprised if we appear on stomp. it was really fun though, not really caring what others thought and just enjoying each others company and music. i haven't had that much fun singing in a long time.

after our random singing outburst, the girls suddenly wanted to do jump shots. O.o so there we were, standing in formation and doing a GAZILLION jump shots. ha! aaron and jason are failed jumpshot photographers, out of the 30 plus times we jumped, they only got 2 or 3 nice ones. -.- but marr on the other hand, was super pro. every shot she took was us in the air, big smiles, wind in our faces. even the crazy weather that brought drizzle and wind and what not didn't dampen our highness.

approx 3 hours after our initial BnJ's craze, we finally exhausted ourselves and sat down to just hear the rain and talk about random stuff. we saw a rainbow though, it was pretty amazing. then marr and fi and aaron left and so the rest of us went for dinner. by then we were all kinda walking zombies cause we had spent the whole day out. tired, aching and a little sun burnt, we wanted to take the train from dhoby home but we realised there was a huge crowd. the train broke down... so we took the long way home via circle line.

we changed lines at paya lebar, and only then did i realise how much i still miss tkg. i used to take train from that station every day. seems like it was really really long ago. anyways, we finally made our way home at about 8 plus. between all the fun we had and the people we were with, the day was really awesome (:

6 girls, 4 hours, one topic.

i spent today catching up with marr, fi, sheryl l, xuan and ting. we met for lunch and had a good chit chat session. i was going to talk about a relatively popular topic today, but i somehow feel that this can wait. maybe tomorrow.

somethings can never be simple or easy.

home again.

HEY HEY HEY!
i'm finally home. after 9 days out of sg, coming back is honestly a little bittersweet. i do miss my house, but i suppose i just don't really feel like coming back to reality. so i spent the first day of my trip in bangkok, then 3 days in chiangmai, another day in bangkok, 2 more days in a little town in mountains and finally about 2 more days in bangkok again. to sum up my trip, i've basically realised that it's no longer flooding there, just some areas haven't fully subsided. and thailand is, in a word: different.

it's been 5 years since i've been there, and it's kinda familar yet really different. 1/2 my trip was spent in quiet and simpler towns while the other half was in bustling bangkok. honestly, i prefered the quieter half of my trip. waking up to the cold morning breeze, looking at the mountains and befriending the local tribe people. if you're wondering, i still can't speak thai, but with the help from some local friends, it was easier to communicate and it was pretty fun trying to speak the language.

we rented a 10 seater car to bring us around for a few days, so 8 hour car rides are becoming a norm. all i really did in the car was sleep, eat, look at the view and sleep somemore. translation: serious butt cramp. >.< we visited a few temples, the winter palace for the royal family, a waterfall, villages, the highest point in thailand and of course shopped a little.

i managed to fit a sunrise in one of the mornings when i was staying in the mountains, waking up at 4.30 am just for the fun of it. it was pretty nice, definetely different from the ones back home. the sun rose earlier and faster, brighter too. i suppose it looked more amazing, maybe it's cause i was in a different environment.

yeah, the trip overall was rather relaxing and i could say it was also a reminder. a reminder of how lucky i am, in terms of where i live and what i have. there were many kids in thailand that aren't as fortunate, yet they aren't deterred by their circumstances and work hard so they can have a better future. there isn't much for me to wish for right now, cause i already have what some others don't. so then, it's time to start being more determined and to start cherishing and appreciating more. nothing and no one stays constantly the same. so i suppose i shouldn't wait till it's too late.

it was a.... perspective-changing trip.

hello, my friend.

 well now, it's a little early for christmas huh. i agree too. but nonetheless, i went to orchard to see the chirstmas lightings.

 so today i spent the entire day with a friend. we spent the day talking, walking around town, eating, window shopping, seeing the lightings and i suppose just getting to know each other better. i've know this friend for almost a year now, yet today was most probably the first time i feel like i really know this person. walking around town and slacking around scape, we talked about our childhood, our friends, our families, each others likes and dislikes, first impressions and random memories from our own past.

some friends make you feel safe and contented when you're with them, i suppose this is one such person. even silence that's ment to be awkward feels comfortable with this person. and though that friend of mine may never read this, but i just wanna say:

dear friend,
thank you for everything in the past 11 months. all the extremely lame jokes you tell me, your crazily huge ego, your ridiculous humor and your quiet support. for all the times that you've cheered me up and made me smile or laugh when i thought i couldn't, i can never say thank you enough. you always tell me to never thank you, and you always say that what you do might not be good enough, but what you don't know is that what you've done is really more than enough. i made you a promise once, that one day i'll stand up again. i haven't forgotten, and when the time comes i will fufil my promise to you. even though we may not be by each others side next year, but i'll never forget that we're actually never that far apart. above all, i'm so glad i had a chance to meet you and know you. come what may, i most probably will never forget you.

aside from that, i'll be leaving for a trip later so i won't be blogging for awhile. a week out of singapore and a few days in the mountains is, i suppose, the last step to changing myself for the better (though this sounds really weird). but when i come back, i hope it's as a slightly different person.
it's going to be really hard, but maybe it's finally time for me to let some parts of my past go, so that i can cherish the more important and face my future better.

tomorrow is yet another new beginning, but this time i'll start will a little more faith and hope.
wish me luck. (:

kiddie time!

today was mainly spent with the cutest bunch of kids at their daycare centre for cip. so, at about 8 plus, edward, ning, gladys and me went over to meet the kids. we spent the entire day running around at the playground with them, helping them with their homework, fixing jigsaw puzzles, reading books, watching movies, baking pasteries and making them do the most important thing : NAP TIME! meaning we have to coax the little kiddos to go to sleep...

if you're wondering, it is not an easy task. sitting next to them in their sleeping bags, coaxing them to close their eyes, patting them to sleep, tucking them it. basically, for 2 hours we were parents to more than 10 kids. but it was fun, and we got to see who had the real 'parent' potential. overall it was just alot of fun and interesting moments with the kids.

seeing them play around and have fun kinda makes me want to remember what it was like being a child. relatively carefree and happy, with friends around you all the time. no wonder most people would like to return to their younger days. as we get older things become harder and more complicated, and we sometimes find it harder to be as straightforward with our thoughts and feelings as compared to when we were kids. pros and cons of growing up huh.


when i was a kid, i always dreamt of growing up. now that i'm almost there, i feel like going back to when things were simpler.

oh well, there was a time, when i was a kid too.

a little past bedtime.

i'm being entertained by my tele now.
curled up on my sofa bed in my comfiest sleepwear, laptop next to me and a great movie on tv. sunday nights should always be spent this way.

movie time alone is so rare to come by. aside from that, i feel like saying this out loud: something happened lately that made me realised i'll be okay even if i'm on my own. it may be hard, but as long as the girls are around me, i think it'll be okay. saying this out loud, makes me feel surprisingly....amazed at my own calmness?

now. enough of the sudden realisation. i'm in a really random mood, and in a topic totally unrelated to the previous. i have something else that i must say:

I AM HUNGRY. AGAIN.  O.o

suddenly, it doesn't seem so hard.

i realised that i've almost forgotten about my blog recently.... but, i've been a little busy lately. sorting out stuff, having choir, mass dance practices and catching up with some people.

Anyway, today was the first time in the past 2 weeks that i've spent an ENTIRE DAY AT HOME. slacking around and not doing anything at all is more fun than i'd remembered it to be. but i wasn't completely alone. marr and fi popped by to visit me cause they heard i was a little down under the weather. they were nice enough to buy me lunch and come all the way with movies to keep me company!

so the three of us spawled out on my sofa and watched how to train your dragon and another cinderella story. our harry potter marathon was totally abandoned due to lack of time, but we promised to leave that for another day. somehow, we managed to fit pillow fights, random outbursts and catch-up time all while we were watching movies. no wonder people say that girls can multi-task!

that aside, this morning i woke up to a really sweet text from someone. my dear girl, if you're reading this, i'm really touched by your words and i feel really honoured that you think that way of me. but don't forget that you too, have it in you. you're where you are because there is something in you that says you belong there. it's only going to get harder from now on, but you'll be okay dear, i know you will be. and thank you.

falling apart.

it's a thought. that i keep having.
i wish things had turned out differently because i'm tired of dealing with the same thing every day. i keep fighting but i keep losing. i thought i could make it right if i tried, and i really believed they knew how i felt, that they knew i had learnt.

what a fool i am. when at the end, again and again i'm proven wrong. i thought i'd got through to them, but it was just my perfectly wishful thinking. i can't undo anything, and i've never for a day regretted cause i knew i tried. if there was ever a regret, it would be why i'm even here in the first place.

they say there's a dark side to every person. including me?

stop.

tonight i've realised:
nothing i will ever do is enough, nothing i will ever do will show her.

not because i haven't tried, but because she hasn't opened up to hear me. and everything i say, to her, is nothing but excuses and more excuses. she knows in her heart that i am right, but she just can't accept it. that's why she keeps trying to fight it. even though she says she's alright, she's accepted it, she believes and trusts in me to do the right thing. but very honestly, it's also a lie. cause it's in her eyes and in her actions, she has never once meant her words.

maybe i should stop trying. i'm tired of trying and i'm sick and tired of getting misunderstood. i never meant what she says i mean. but i can never convince her that i don't mean things that way. maybe i should listen to others and learn to be a little more selfish, a little more greedy. maybe i should stop caring, cause suddenly, it seems so much more easier that way.



i'm tired of fighting. i really am.

a different sunrise.

i found the time to take a stroll early this morning. and so i found myself on the roof of the multi-story carpark, waiting for the sun to rise. honestly, i didn't sleep for the entire night and that is rare for me. surprisingly, i was still wide awake come dawn. maybe it's because i was occupied in thought for the whole night.
this is what i saw this morning.

                                                
                                                                     6:22 am

                                                                    6:30 am

                                                                     6:51 am

                                                                  7:02 am

today wasn't the first time i watched the sun  rise. yet today's sunrise holds a special meaning, because when the sun rose today, i think i've finally made a decision. i've been thinking about this for sometime now, but it wasn't till last night did i get a chance to fully understand the consequences and meaning behind a person's words and actions.

i walked out of the house because i needed some fresh air to think clearly. instead, i found a new light. yes, it's cheesy, but when the sun rose, i really felt unexpectedly braver and more determined to decide. i can't help but wonder if i am about to do the right thing. am i doing the right thing? i really don't know, but i'm about to find out.

i realised this morning that it's my fault.

if not for me, this wouldn't be an issue right now. i wouldn't be stuck, and i wouldn't have to decide on anything at all. it's my fault. i was too careless and i so let myself fall. i let someone else fall. i guess i should have seen this coming. too late for that, i just know that i have to clean up the mess i made.  i should never have interfered in the first place and i need to say i'm sorry. sorry if i had ever in any way end up hurting anyone. i hope that you'll both believe me when i say i never meant for things to become like this and that i never wanted to hurt anyone. i still don't.

i promise, i will try to set things right. i just need some last few answers and when the time is right, i will set things on the right track again; back to the way it used to be before i came about. maybe it's best if everything went back to the way it was. and all i have to do is to be determined enough to see it through. i had all these thoughts today, and all before 5.30 in the morning.

the sun rose today like it did every other day, but something's changed. something is different. is it me? it just might be.


please let me be doing the right thing. please.

you're not alone.

OP was finally over yesterday, and i guess that means that PW is nearing the end and it also means that my J1 year is almost done. today was spent with yijia, wandering around changi point, having lunch together with mum, then heading back to my place to catch up. it happened again today. just when i think i'm over it, somehow i will realise that i've gone one huge round, only to end up getting back to the starting again.

this feeling is seriously, for a lack of a better word, annoying.
some days are better than the other, and i wake up feeling optimistic, others are just a little more down i suppose. i'm just waiting for the right time, for the right thing to happen and then somehow, some way, it'll be okay again.

recently someone around me has been feeling the way i've been feeling. except that this person has been having this feeling longer than i've had it. it's not that i never knew, it's just that though i've tried to understand that feeling in the past, i never quite got it. not until i went through it myself.

to that person, i would like you to know: till the end, lost cause or not, don't give up. and though you may never read this, but well, i keep thinking i've said everything i could possibly say to you. still, i often find that i have alot more to say. i know that i'm being too nosey, but hey! it's me we're talking about, so you should know by now.

i keep saying: " i know that you're going through alot of crap. and that you have 3/4 a mind, or more, to give up and give in. you're tired of fighting a battle that you can't seem to win and as such, letting everything go seems like the easiest and best thing." but now i also know that though you're a brave person, you're still at times scared too. scared of the future and the unknown, the way everyone usually is.

i'm guessing that you're also afraid of failing again. i know that having that thought can seriously drive a person crazy, because you keep trying and trying but you're also worried that the outcome might still be the same. i'm scared too. scared of failing again. only, what's worst is that i think too much. i haven't even started my second chance, and yet, i'm already wondering if it's game over.

you've already started. yes, maybe it isn't a good start. maybe it's all a little messed up and you think you'll suck at everything. but think of all the time you've spent and maybe it'll keep you going for just a little longer. you've had more determination than me to get you this far, so if a person like me can still find the fight to go on, then i believe that eventually, you will too.

as long as there is belief, there is hope. your friends all believe in you. so then, you know you have hope. no one has given up on you yet, so please don't give up on yourself. don't give up because you've come this far. don't give up cause you might still make it. don't give up cause the fight isn't over yet.

i suppose when i see you going through this, i think of me. and i suppose that when i keep telling you all that i keep telling you, it's like i'm also trying to convince myself that i can do it too. just know that you're not alone, because there's someone else who might just be as afraid of what's to come as you are. but we'll find our own way to make it right again. we will eventually.

till then, don't give up.
'cause it's never over till you yourself give in.

where i grew up.

i spent today walking around with mum and dad in changi point shopping centre. it's quite busy for a sunday and maybe also cause it's a new mall. we spent about 6 hours there doing... almost close to nothing. okay, we shopped a little, really just mum and dad though.

headed down to hougang to visit my mum's parents, aka my grandparents in the evening. which is something that i realise i haven't been doing enough in the past 11 months. i've been too caught up in my own life, to the extent that i've neglected the only people who may possibly love me more than my own parents.

climbing those familiar stairs again, i remember growing up with my grandma and grandpa. my kindergarden and primary school days were mostly spent at their house because my parents were too busy with work to take care of me. dad would drop me off at grandma's at 6 am and i'd alternate between school and there till 8 plus in the night, before heading back home . i spent almost 11 years that way. i remember how i used to go to the market with grandma during the school holidays, hold her hand, say hi to all the old auntie and uncles that i didn't know and push her market trolley.

it's been almost 6 years. surprisingly, i remember every little detail of my days spent there. how i jumped on their spring bed so much that the bed spoilt (which explains my height), the times i watered the plants with my grandpa in the evening, and washed his fish tanks with him. they would tell me stories of how things used to be in their younger days and teach me what they thought was important (moral values, how i should always treat people with sincerity, and of course : how to eat well, which is why i LOVE food )

Their corridor was my favourite play area. my cousins and i used to play catching, hop scotch, sissors paper stone and countless other games along that stretch. walking down that stretch again today, i can almost hear our laughter as we played together. of all my favourite places in that "area", my number one favourite would of course be my grandparents' house itself. to others, it's nothing more than a small and simple 3-room flat. but to me, it's a place filled with so much warmth, love and memories.

i slept there since i was an infant in a cradle that hung from the ceiling, to the little mattress that i fitted perfectly on. i learnt how to walk in that house, said my first words there and it was the home that i left to go to my first day of kindergarden and primary school.

over the years, i've realised that that little hdb flat, is my shelter. it's the place that i go to when i'm tired and need a break from the world. it's a place where i know i'm safe and i don't have to worry. it's the place that will always welcome me with open doors no matter who i become. more importantly, it's the place where 2 of the most important people in my life are.

time will change many things, and my grandparents may not be able to always stay by my side. but today i've realised, more than ever, that i need to cherish the time i have left with them. for the simple reason that i don't ever want to regret not letting them know how much they mean to me, and how much i love them.

smile.

when you're too upset, people around will tell you: don't be unhappy, because it'll be okay. when you try to be happy, someone asks you: why are you so happy? in this situation?

so then, what do i show? and what do i hide?

it's hard to hear other people tell you how you should be feeling even though i know that they say so only out of concern. so then after thinking alot, this is what i have to say : if you need to, mope around and be sad. cry about it, think about it. roll in bed and not do anything if you must. let yourself feel the upset and the frustration, let yourself BE SAD. because you need it, because it is important...

even when you're told you shouldn't be sad and you should stay positive, don't listen if you don't want to. because it's your life, and if YOU NEED THE SADNESS before you can move on, then go ahead, be sad. but still, never forget the reminders that those who care give you : stay positive.

when the time is right, allow yourself to smile and laugh a little. don't think that it's a sin to smile and laugh even when you're in the face of an unhappy situation. because as unlikely as this sounds, when you smile and laugh, everything seems so much more manageable, so much more easier and you start to believe that you can do it and it'll be okay.

SMILE.
because sooner or later, you'll realise that you can't keep going on the way you are. smile because it actually gives you the courage to continue and walk out of any dark situation you might be in. smile because you mean it and because it's worth it.

and when you finally feel that you'll go on with your life, don't forget this:
keep the pain, the sadness, the anger and the frustration. keep them as a memory to remind yourself of how to never make the same mistake again, let them always be a loud indication of the time you once faltered and failed. but don't ever let them put you down and stop you from trying to achieve greater and better things.

so i guess this is all that i want to say, to myself.

afraid, are you?

my unknown future ,
the long road ahead ,
and the final obstacle i must face: myself.

along the way, people often wonder why they've been holding back all those feelings/thoughts/words. what is it that's stopping them from whatever it is they want to do. the answer to that question, is another question: what are you afraid of?

as of now, i'm just thinking of the immediate. and the answer to that special question, is none other than: MYSELF. the irony of it all, when at the end, what i am afraid of is me. the one thing that is preventing me from moving on, and standing up again is acutally the same thing that i need to save.

i know that if i never get over that fear of failing again and again and again, then i can never be me again. but that fear inside me is like a siren that keeps screaming: sure, start over, but i'll always be here, to remind you that you might still never make it.....  the me now wonders, since when did this voice plant itself in my head? and how did i ever let it turn out this way?

people around me tell me to block that voice out, because i can do it, i will be able to do it, i just need a little more time. they say i'll get there eventually, cause i'm sheryl, i never let anthing get to me and i never give up even if it seems impossible. these days, my respose to them when they say that is: i'm not always that optimistic, there are times when i feel like i can't either. there are times, when i am afraid too.

someone wrote recently: whether you succeed or fail has been determined at the very beginning. anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or has succeeded already. and so i start to wonder again, where exactly is the beginnning? from the time i start the journey? or from the moment i take that paper? perhaps that person is right. sucess or failure can be determined from the beginning because the right attitude and mindset can maybe path your way. but i still believe in the process too. i believe that other than the beginnning, i need to persevere and keep reminding myself to believe that i can.


afraid? i am.
but i'm learning, learning how to get over that fear and when i do, i'll be okay again.

the promise.

sometimes even if you tell yourself it's okay, it still isn't.
sometimes even when you try and try, it still doesn't work out.
sometimes when you fall down, it takes a longer time to get up again.
sometimes it's just so hard, even though i promised i would try .


and sometimes, certain promises can't help but be broken...

the climb.

Hey. I haven't blogged in years, and i figured it's time to start again.

well, it's been a long time since i had this feeling. the feeling of second-guessing myself.needless to say, it isn't a good feeling, but i realised that i've been carrying this feeling around with me for the past 10 months.

alot has happened in the past 2 weeks, and i've learnt alot about myself and the people around me. i now know that there will always be those who will stick with me no matter what happens and i'm extremely grateful and thankful to have them.

i don't think i've ever been this low or lost in the past 17 years of my life, maybe to some people, i may seem foolish and immature for saying that this is the lowest i've gone in the past 17 years. but for those who know me, you'll know that this isn't me, and i've never ever taken things this hardly. someone told me recently : maybe the reason why you're feeling this way, is because you've never failed this badly in life, so you feel lost and unsure of yourself and your future.but never doubt yourself and your ability because you can do it. just learn from this incident and then find yourself again.

i think she's right. everyone whose been comforting me and advicing me in the past 2 weeks have been right. the road ahead is still long enough for me to go on, and one day i'll be okay again. everyone has their bad times but eventually things will work out on it's own. though as of right now,i know that crying and talking makes me feel better because it shows that i'm finally learning how to accept and only when i accept can i move on.

when tomorrow comes, the path i'm ment to take will be shown to me, and from there on, i'll need to change myself. the future is filled with uncertainties and my future path may be bumpy and hard to walk, but i know that i will never be alone because i'm lucky enough to have people who will stand by me and help me always. it's time for me to stop wallowing in self pity and guilt, because i need to find myself again and stand back up on my feet.

i guess at the end of the day, i just hope to find the courage to find myself and face my future, be it good or bad, i WILL learn to be okay again.

when you've hit rock bottom, the only way to go, is up.