It's just, I can't.

" Keep your head up, and your heart strong."

Newest mantra of late. 

A much needed reminder today. I know it's been tough in there and as much as I want to encourage him and tell him to hang on, I can't. And so I don't say a thing. It's not my place to do that anymore. It's not that I don't want to, it's just I can't. 

Might as well learn to direct all this care to the people I actually am allowed to care for.

The Tiramisu Hero.

2.12am 

And I can't sleep again, even with the meds. my goodness.... so I decided to write from bed. I might not be able to sleep but my bed's too comfy for me to go anywhere else.

John Legend & Lindsey Stirling - All Of Me

Finally remembered to share this.

Mad love for this song, their piano-violin combination takes the original to another level and this song has such a beautiful message to begin with.

Went cafe hopping tonight.
Found a little quaint cafe: The Tiramisu Hero along Tyrwhitt Road with an adorable interior and yummy deserts. The main course was pretty average though I really like the mini Hawaiian pizza we ordered. Seeing the cafe across the street was like: WHY SO CUTE. with it's nicely carpeted grass lawn front leading to open glass doors and a cosy interior full of cat prints on the ceilings. 

blur me forgot to take a photo -.-
so here's one that Google gave me. Credits to Google.

I remembered to take photos of the inside though. heh.

 

Mini Hawaiian Pizza and Aglio Olio (less spicy)

Oreo Mommahero & Waffles Woo with Vanilla Ice-cream 

Like I said, me is a big fan of their mini Hawaiian pizza but not so much their Aglio Olio. I can't take spicy stuff still cause of the gastric so we had to get it in less spicy because they weren't serving any of the baked rice/baked pasta. Sigh pie. I was really looking forward to trying the baked stuff. Anyways, the Agilo Olio was a little too bland for our liking though it had a nice garlic aroma and was served with bacon and fresh prawns.

Tiramisu Hero is supposedly more famous for their sweet treats so of course we had to try their signature stuff: Mommahero and Waffles Woo! They have SO many flavors for Mommahero (at least 10 I think) but they don't serve all the flavors every day. I would say the oreo one we had was really nice though. Not too sweet which I really liked and their hot Waffles with Vanilla IC: WOW. Okay, I may be exaggerating considering how I feel about warm crispy waffles with vanilla ice cream drizzled with some maple syrup, topped with a sprinkle of icing sugar (let that image form in your head for awhile. hahahha) but yeah, I would say their waffle is a perfection in taste and a good mix of softness w crisp that's nicely complimented with their Vanilla IC. Yumz in a word.

Generally they have really great service with helpful and attentive staff plus a nice ambiance to just chill and talk over dinner/deserts but for me it's really quite pricey for a cafe. (just my opinion) We spent about $48 in total for the 2 mains and 2 deserts. So I most probably won't be going back anytime soon.

It was a simple and nice night though.

Interesting place for a catch up and we managed to explore a little around the area. Found a few more nice cafes there that I would really like to try (gotta save up first) just feels good to be out and about and not home alone on a Saturday with no plans. Why does that sound so sad? Hahaha. But it's back to reality and the unfinished uni applications I have left. I should really get some sleep.

Human.

Friday again.

Days are starting to feel like hours, weeks are feeling like days. It's all so fast. Book out day for many, and just another last day of the week for me. Such a tiring week this has been, though I don't remember much of it. Meds making me sleepy 24/7, not used to feeling this physically weak. Bruises are showing where the needles poked, the thing I dislike most when hurt is inflicted in any way: there's always a struggling aftermath of healing process to deal with. Okay... random deep and weird thought. Haha

These Uni applications are oddly tricky to handle. i.e hard stuffs (relatively) Every essay I write is like: hmm, what better way can I phrase this or what should I write about or am I making sense? etc etc. Good to know everyone's getting their acceptance letters though. I'm honestly happy for them, they deserve it with those good grades. My fate though is still quite unknown. Just try I suppose.

Had a random thought the other night: Sometimes I find it quite amazing. How it is that we can all look and be happy in the presence of others(maybe an act, maybe not) yet when we're on our own it's like an entirely different thing. Human complexities perhaps? We all hide something we think isn't good enough: whether it's our insecure side, our emotions, our thoughts and maybe even sometimes, a part of our own character.

I'm guilty of it too.
Maybe we do it just cause everyone else does it. Not knowing when we've come up with this connotation that it's not nice to show your vulnerable/weak side, no one seems to want any one else to see that side of them. As big as our inner demons are, we rather fight a lone battle most of the times. Truth is vulnerability and weakness is what makes us human. We're not perfect, and not meant to be either. It's not that we don't understand this concept, just we never seem to get past the thought in our minds and actually show it in our actions. We cower for fear that other people will see what we are trying to hide.

I don't talk about him anymore.
Even when he's on my mind, in the things I see and get reminded of. I don't talk about him to anyone cause it makes me vulnerable, weak. Or at least, that's what I've made myself believe. I hope he's well though, in every varying thought I have of him, I just honestly hope he's doing good.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Being sick like this is not cool.

Went to the A&E clinic after puking straight for 5 hours with stomach cramps and fever the night before. Sounds like I had a bad night? I did. My doctor was right about me getting severe gastric cause I haven't been eating. That with stomach flu was enough for all of the above...

Ended up getting a jab and getting put on drip for all the fluids I lost. For one I really hate injections/needles poking me of any kind. I really really am scared of needles that are designed to poke people... so it was a pretty miserable few hours just lying there. But it was worth it, seeing how much better I feel now. Just the occasional stomach cramps and my now standard small appetite, other than that I'm back to the way I was.

I am however convinced the doctor in charge of me gave me paralysis pills by accident or something. (LOL) It's suppose to be relaxant meds to help sleep better but it causes me to be physically immobile while I'm mentally awake?! And that's a truly scary feeling....

On another note, there's a friend I've/we've been trying to talk to. Someone who doesn't seem to want to talk to any of us at all. So to that friend who might be reading this:

Don't shut people out anymore please? I know how that feels like now. I tried it, and it doesn't feel good. Truth is we all need someone, anyone, from time to time. Sure, we need to be independent enough to handle ourselves, our own problems and what not but not all the time. You're not as alone as you choose to be.... People are here, willing to talk or whatever it is you need.

It's just, can you trust yourself to trust us? Don't get used to being alone because it's not a good place to be. It may be scary to trust people and you're sick of the betrayal. Thing is no one can make promises that things like that won't happen again. The cold fact is that this is part of life: we all have to deal with it. But it doesn't mean everyone's like that. So please don't think that nothing will change. 

It will if you let it, if you want it to. 

At the end, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, no?

Promises of Yesterday.

"And when the sun sets, all is forgotten: 

A Thing of the Past."

Something about sunsets I love.
Forget the promises made, for they were made to be broken.

Let it go.

Day 117.

Another double post day, but I can't seem to help it.
I saw that photo on insta. Don't you two look so happy together. Yeah, you both do.

My friends ask me how I'm feeling. Don't think I can say much, what's the point anyways? The words won't come out right anymore. And whether or not I say how I feel, the heartache will still be there. Saying anything will just be pointless.

"Don't go back to those feelings, Sheryl"

"I never left"

"But he's moved on..."

"I know."

Funny isn't it, how We always learn the hard way.

Crazed nights, awesome friends :')

Stayover at Dawny's house last night.
Was suppose to just be me but the guys being the kind people they are, came along to cheer me ups even though they were tired/had other commitments. What good deeds did I do my past life to have friends like that I don't even know.

Pardon the insane hair and cray face (after shower photo) but I finally got to Skype this babe last night at Dawn's house. Miss her so much on days like that: where we can talk nonsense, talk life, talk feelings and just know we'll always be there for each other. All the way in Swiss now, with a 7 hour time difference (1am in SG and she was reporting for 5pm evening work shift) but she's still here when I need her. Nothing like family <3

So Dawny pie and me couldn't sleep, got bored, and this happened (Dawn the forever photographer):

4.03am and Ben's like... hahaha

so, I kinda woke up
couldn't go back to sleep again... so it's PHOTO TIME AGAIN

look at them pigss

my girl in yellow <3

Jay jay, Wayne, and musician boon

Dawny pie's younger bro but there isn't a resemblance. Hahaha

our tired diver khoo who came even though he just booked out from confinement that afternoon :')

group photo

Hi

Hi again

Hi again, again

so tired he literally just went from sitting down to this. hahaha

woke up to this :)

So... we basically watched crazy videos on youtube, talked, be retarded, Jam-ed, played a gazillion kinda of card games and laughed. Laughed a lot. We ended up moving to Dawny's living room to talk so kjs could sleep in peace. Eventually the rest of us stayed up to watch airplanes fly past and slept for less than 2 hours or didn't sleep at all LOL but the view I woke up to was like :) Plus I fell asleep to Kaiboon playing the guitar and singing and I woke up to him playing the guitar too, such a naise feeling. One of the best nights these few weeks.

Everything was momentarily forgotten, and it felt great really.

Good to see these faces and get to be my retarded and high self at 4 in the morn without getting judged HAHA. I realise how much I missed kjs too. Having him back just made everything feel oddly more in place, cause of his retardedness level I think (this is what everyone agrees on) HAHAHA. It's impossible to not laugh if he's around. He's only one left who doesn't know, the only one that I still don't know how to tell... But he still manages to make everything feel okay at that moment, every single time, that's kjs for ya.

Sometimes I think I'll never be able to make it without the family and friends I have. So damn thankful for these people. Such a good Friday Night <3

Love yourself.

Day 116.

Saw Dwayne and Ren Da today then sent Zack off to Europe w Le L's at night
Kjs is finally back from confinement, a little tanner and skinner.
that means He's back too, back to her
It's the friends who are with you that matters.

Siah, Ben and Kaiboon finally found out on Tues night after me hiding it for almost 4 months. Dawn told them everything while I just sat there and cried (I know I shouldn't). And after they found out they were there for me in ways that I never imagined. Ending birthday birthday celebrations early, pushing away majong, missing the last bus & having to walk/cab home just to keep me company till almost 3am.

Cause they knew that I couldn't stand to be alone that night.

Friends are the second family. 

The people who talk sense to me when I don't talk sense at all. I'm not angry at him, I never will be. He didn't do anything wrong, he just did what he could. My stubborn heart is the reason I'm this way. So I'm angry at me. For the way I still love him, for the way I act foolishly cause I say I love him. Like a broken record I've said it so many times: I know this is wrong, I know what I should do. I just can't seem to do it even though I try everyday. 

And so I'm angry at me.

One day, I'll learn to forgive myself for all that I've done in the name of Love.

And maybe one day I'll be able to tell him: "I'm sorry I placed the burden I call Love on you."

It's not that I haven't had my heart broken.

Everyone has, but for me it was only by people I liked, not by someone I love. 

I know the process of letting go and the process of forgetting as time passes by. I know that I need to cut them out of my life, to not think, to not care, to smile and be happy, to live life: the way I am before they came into the picture. But with him it's harder.

He's everything and more than I ever could have hoped for. And he mended me in ways he will never know. They say: "Love the person who makes you happy, who changes you for the better."

That's what I did.

I don't regret it, I don't think I ever will. It was perfect while it lasted.

Now there's someone else there next to him, someone who isn't me. And yeah, it hurts like hell. Just like everyone whose ever been through this told me they felt when it happened to them. It's like nightmare Round 2.... but there isn't anything I can do, or anything I want to do to either. If she makes him happy, then she should stay by him and make him happy. It's the right thing, right?

And me? I guess I will stand at the sidelines and try to learn.
Learn the way the guys and Dawn, Chris, my girls and my older sisters have been telling me: 

"Learn to love yourself more now Sheryl. It's not your fault, so don't be angry at yourself and don't put yourself down anymore. It's not easy, we know. But step by step, day by day: Try and Let it go. We're here with you all the way. Right now you need to put your happiness before his.
You need to love yourself more than you love him."

Waiting.

Day 115.

Unexpected work day. Looks like I found myself a temporary job out of nowhere... just as well, something to keep me occupied now is greatly appreciated, plus I get to work with Jie. Added bonus. Such a long and cold day in the office though. All that rain and thundering that still makes me jump halfway through work. Some things never change.

Writing's oddly therapeutic.
Especially when you're writing about something that you're passionate about (maybe I've been writing a little too much lately though... haha) Still, it helps me with all them crazed varying emotions. Glad I'm going to be choosing this, something that everyone says I can supposedly do. Kind of excited to see what this will do for me and where it will take me in the years to come. I might as well get started on those uni applications, maybe to the local U's too. So much to do, so little time.

I hear she's waiting for you to come home tomorrow.
I guess I should have known better after what people have been telling me. Just as well I guess. If after all that's happened and you now realise she fits, then well whose to disagree.... So then what is this heart stabbing feeling I have? So much that it's making me feel nauseous.

Guess a part of me was waiting for you too, and maybe it always will be waiting.

We are Selfish.

"When you find someone you care about, you do what you can to keep them around."

-HIMYM

Day 115.

In reality we know very well what we are doing
painting false hope in our own minds and creating visions out of things that aren't there.

Why?
The reason is simple;
it's because humans are seemingly insistent on things we cannot seem to let go,
on feelings that we know we should not harbor
even though we know what we are doing is wrong.
Maybe we think this is the only way for us to live on until one day the feelings fade to nothing
by clinging on to whatever we can, however we can.
Because we don't really know if there is such thing as the right way.

We do it not to idolize them, or just to put them on that holy pedestal in our hearts.
We do it for our own selfish reasons:
because we love them, because we think we need them, we want to be the ones who make them happy
because we don't want to let go of something that was a little too good to be true.

At the end we suffer the most.
For we place the burden we call "love" on them, causing them suffering
thinking that if we love them enough, they'll realise it.
Truth is they do know, just they can't or don't care.
You are maybe, by now, their past tense. Something they've put behind them
Someone they no longer want or can have in their lives, if they have you it's out of courtesy.

And the sadder truth?
It's that despite knowing all of that,
You still Love him.

The first time.

" The first time you fall in love, it changes you forever and no matter how hard you try, 

that feeling never goes away. "

- the notebook

Brokenhearted.

Day 113.

A broken heart can be broken again.

I hope she makes you happy.
I hope she's better for you than I was. I hope she's everything I'm not. I hope she'll make you laugh the way I used to be able to, may she be everything you need. I hope you'll find in her whatever you couldn't find in me, whatever I didn't have.

And I hope I'll dry these tears someday, that I'll wake up to a mended heart sooner than later. I hope I'll let you be happy, the way you have the right to be, the way I want you to be.

One of these days, I'll learn. Learn to love you in a better way.

Because it mattered.

Day 112.

Rain day(s)
So glad it's raining again. As weird as it is, the gloom in the weather makes me feel happier. Might be the fresher air when I take my night walks, or me just being weird. I'd say it's a little of both.

It's a relatively good day, one of the best I've had so far I'd say. Managed to spend time on my own just chilling at home in bed + a good book with the rain outside. Been so long since I've had a stress-free (sorta) day on my own, when I don't worry about anything. It's a good feeling really.

On another note I wish people would stop telling me about stuff that I REALLY don't need to know...

Kinda spoiled my mood tonight, but if it's true, I'll have to face it eventually. Needless to say it's about you and someone else. I laughed when I heard about it. A little like a bitter and disbelief laugh. I laughed cause of how stupid I still feel and also for that heart ache I felt when I heard.

Yeah well, if it makes you happy. Why not right..? You're free to do as you please, I just really need to learn to stop letting everything about you affect me. Stop caring in general I guess.

Maybe, One day.

Day 110.

Eye infection for the first time in my life. -.- Walking around like some sort of red and white eyed monster. It's quite funny honestly.

Nus open house today
Another place I won't be going to but still I attend their open house. For the friends I suppose, just to accompany them and to find out what I can about what I'm about to study else where. Still feels weird though, like raising hopes that aren't suppose to be there.

Spent the day with Chris, zzl and your class guys. Weird. Very weird.
Ended up having lunch alone with the guys while Chris and zzl went for the science talks. I wasn't that comfortable at first, reasons obvious. They knew about us. Yet after awhile, talking to them reminded me that they are also, in a sense, my friends too.

Odd isn't it? How I seem to fit in with them even though I shouldn't. It should be awkward. I shouldn't be able to sit with your friends and talk, laugh, eat and walk around open house together. And yet, that's exactly what I did. Guess it's cause they are really nice people. Easy to get along and oddly accepting in so many subtle ways. A little like the guys in Le L's. All nice people, such nice people.

They talk like you though. All of them.
Like being around bits and pieces of you. From the "oh my goodness" to the "shag", the constant suaning and the talks about dota. It's like you. All like you but it's not you.

It was still a relatively good day though. Amidst the constant reminders of you, seeing E. At least I got to find out more about what I intend to study and I caught up with zzl and Chris too. Found out more about psyh with siah too and saw dawny pie. Even though I've been pushing everyone away, I guess I still miss them in a sense.

Went to see the doctor today though, mum and dad are pretty insistent when it comes to this. Unfortunately even I can't win them. Turn's out I'm losing a little too much weight for my own good and doc said if I don't start eating properly again I'm going to have some serious gastric issues in the next few months...... I expected that I suppose.

Sometimes we do things like that to ourselves, even if we don't mean to: we run ourselves into the ground.

Shut.

Day 110.
3.20am

Never knew that I had a side like this too.

Shed your Self-definition.

Day 108.

"Only when we shed all Self-definition 

do we find who we really are."

I really need to learn how to embody that statement.

Narrowed down my options to 2 schools of the same course, but majoring in different things. Someone, anyone really, please be proud of me (cause I didn't think I could do it within 9 days). I would really appreciate someone telling me that I'm doing the right thing: putting aside the crazy emotions and focusing on the things I can change.

Still surprise myself sometimes by how I'm still affected by my results. Maybe not so much the results part, but rather the path I'm suppose to take from here. Yeah, I still cry sometimes these days, when it gets too overwhelming: when I come home from a whole day of school scouting and just crumble amongst the heaps of pamphlets and information I've barely began to process.

I expected this I suppose.... Then again, maybe I wasn't so sure it was going to be like this.

Just thankful for the support system I have right now. Family, teachers, friends, you all know who you are. Whether it's emotional support, course advice or even physically being here by me: just thank you all for that.

Daily reminder: STAY POSITIVE. DON'T GIVE UP. SMILE.

Major headache these nights coupled with the dreams and bad sleep, self doubt and so much uncertainty. But this is nothing compared to what other people out there might be going through..... I should count my blessings. I'm alive, healthy and so are my family and friends. I'm lucky. I am lucky.

Nightmares, Fears & maybe new Hope.

Day 106.

I still haven't been replying people, they must think I'm a horrible person.
I can't really blame them, just that I still haven't been in the mood to talk I guess. And there's a lot I need to settle and straighten out right now.

So drained these few days.
Bad sleep nights then going to all the private schools in the day and asking for more information, coordinating timelines for admissions, trying to decide on what I want to study: something I've always been interested in (but not so good at) vs something I'm relatively good at (and interested, but not as much as the other one)

Watching other people struggle with local Uni applications, tweeting about how frustrating and hard it is to write their admissions essay/not knowing what they want to do/their fears of not being able to get into the course they want/them being too lazy to start applying to local Uni's. And I think to myself: Well, it'll be worth it right? When you all get in to the uni you want, or any LOCAL U in fact. At least you guys can try, so while it's hard, be thankful for that.

Private education is A LOT more overwhelming than I thought it was. I guess it's cause growing up stuck with the mentality that local U is the "right way" to go, that we must do well in everything to stay competitive: good schools, good grades, relatively good conduct/extra curriculum and everything else closes our eyes to how difficult it actually is on the other side. Everything out there in the priv education, is up to you. Though in all honesty, our life has always been what we make of it ourselves, but if you've always been a "good student" one with the grades and what not then you'll most probably have always taken the "right way" and I guess maybe then you'll never know what it's like to stray from that path.

Had I done well, I most probably would be on that "right path" too right?
These nights I wonder to myself: if this is the path I have to take (whether or not by choice) I'll just have to try my best and face it as courageously as I can. Not a full A-level cert, Not going to local Uni  that's okay. I've always thought it was okay when other people told me that was them. It's just that when it's me. That's a whole different thing.

All my life I've had these expectations of myself.
Things I kept telling myself I wanted to do, I had to do. Not cause anyone else told me I had to, not cause someone else forced me to (okay, maybe they had expectations but it wasn't forceful) Point being it's all these things I wanted, for me. And every time I didn't meet any of these expectations, I lost Faith in myself. I think that's where it goes wrong, when I start losing hope and faith in myself for the things I couldn't achieve.

At the end of it all, I find myself in shambles. With fears that I can no longer amount to anything in the future maybe, and that's such a scary feeling. Slowly I think, somehow and someway I'm going to start believing in me and my abilities again. I'm going to take a longer way, but I'll make it some way right? Yeah, that's right. I'm just going to try to keep reminding myself of that, and to keep trying to find hope in every single day.

I had a nightmare last night though.

Dreamt about the night we broke up.
Every single thing I thought I had managed to bury came back to me in that instant; every single detail of that night. I woke up in shock, to my heart beating so fast I couldn't register where I was or what was going on. It was 4.16am, I was in bed, and that familiar heartache I know too well was back again.

And I'll keep you in my prayers.

Day 104.

You enlist tomorrow.
Even I'm having mixed feelings about that, I wonder how you feel.
I won't say I will miss you, or I wish I was there with you before you go
and there really isn't much I can do for you.
It will get tough in there, but I know you can make it through.
Take care and stay safe alright?

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Lights.

Day 104.
1.46am

Such a long day today.
NTU with Le L's the whole day and finally home past midnight after Grandpa's birthday dinner and a long walk with the fam at Gardens by the bay. First time there at night and I suppose my night walks have taken a whole new level up. Safe to say the wind's much better there than at home.

Today proved my heart's stronger than I thought it was.
I expected myself to feel like crap today going to NTU (cause the chances of me getting there aren't high or really even there at all maybe) but surprisingly, I didn't feel as bad as I thought. I guess it's the people I went with, really thankful for the people who quite literally dragged me there. Without them maybe my heart might not have been that strong.

It's put me on a better path I guess, knowing my results now and going for all the open houses these days, has made me clearer of what I'm going to do with myself. And though I know all these friends of mine will be taking the path most threaded while I take something else, not so much by choice, but I suppose I'm feeling slightly braver and it'll be okay. Right?

Tried my best to stay strong today during dinner.
But the moment Jie and Grandpa came to give me a long and big hug and started telling me: "it's going to be alright, start over, you can do it." The tears came. I tried to hold it back, I really did. But these comforting words just made it hard not to cry. Truly thankful for family like this. At the end no matter what's become of me, the friends and family I have are blessings I'll never trade for anything else in the world.

Saw you today at NTU.
Or rather, I recognised your friends first before I spotted you. It was... hard. It's all that familiarity of you rushing back, the way you walk and talk and just everything. Things that time had managed to lighten a little from my memory. Oddly enough seeing you now still manages to make my heart race and all of a sudden it's like I don't know what to do. Thankfully I had Dawn to calm me down. That girl is my rock through so much lately.

Funny how I had these moments with HJ and E when we were all staring each other in the face by accident then having a 1-2 sec lag before all turning away without acknowledgement. More awkward really, but rather them than you I guess. How we can't even say hi to each other now is just painful. Since when did something so simple like looking at you become so hard?

I no longer have the right to care anymore I guess...
And right now, I have bigger worries too. All in good time I hope. My future is still looking bleak, but at least for the first time in a long time, I have a concrete idea of what I might want.

Silence.

Tired, really really just so tired.

Thankful for the family and friends I have.
To the people who keep sending encouraging texts that I don't reply, to the people who leave me quiet cause you know I don't feel like talking, to the people who tell me to go to NTU tomorrow w them still, just for the fun of it and to just apply, cause I'll never know. To the people who tell me I am no failure, that I've learnt more in character and strength. To the friend who texted all the way from Taiwan and the other who told me late nights in the park alone are dangerous. To my parents and my Jies whom I haven't spoken to at all these days, and everyone else whose cared.

I'm sorry for the way I am now. I'll be okay soon, so don't worry about me. I will be alright.

Step by step.
These nights I wonder why it is I choose not to talk to people and come here to write instead. Maybe finding the right words verbally really is one of the hardest things ever, that's why people remain silent most of the time.

Sleep is hard. And it's always bad sleep.
That's okay, I expected that. Walking every night helps keep my feelings in check, it releases negativity I think. Somehow the cold wind and quiet park/streets every night reminds me that I am still alive, that there is always hope, I just have to find it somewhere in me.

So to the people who come here to read cause I don't reply you, and to the people to care:
I'm going to be fine eventually, don't worry alright. 

I just have to remind myself that every step of the long road ahead. 

And I'm not defeated, just tired and Lost. 

But I will find my way, and I know that some of you will be here to help.

I'm sorry that I've been so emotional lately, ranting so much in my writing here

I'm trying to figure it out, trying to figure me out.

It's like a roller coaster ride, ups and downs, 

more downs these past few months with so much that's happened.

But when one goes down, one must find their way back up again right? It's just a matter of time.

This, is unfortunately true.

A Lone.

3.21am

Alone is when you sit at that same park bench in the dead of night.
let the wind blow through you
feel your frustrations build,
and then cry so hard you can't breathe.

Alone is when your favourite sweater sleeves are tear stained
and your whole face is wet
It's when you finally stop and look up
but realise there's not a single person around.

Alone is needing someone, but having no one.
Not because no one cares, but cause you don't have the right words
or the heart to tell them because they have their own lives
because you are not their problem.

Alone is sitting there, all the tears slowly drying up
it's the quiet after a storm rages through you internally.
It's when you know no one can help you,
that there is no one for you to rely on.

Alone is when you acknowledge all of that
and you die a little inside at that realization:
You are on your own, You are lone.
You are, from now on, Alone.

Tortured.

Day 100.

A whole new wave of frustrations tonight. Why do I feel so absolutely frustrated and tortured right now?! What's wrong with me. It's not normal for me to feel like this, like everything is wrong. So dang helpless and my insides feel all tangled for reasons that I can't even pinpoint.

Spent the last 3 nights in the park downstairs, thinking of my options.
Sitting at our bench, sitting at the playground, walking around the blocks, standing on top of the basketball court. Thinking as I watch strangers leave me one by one till I'm the only one left alone there.

I thought I could make peace with myself, but it's turning out harder than ever with everyone talking about what courses they are applying, when people still ask me how I did, how I'm doing, if I'm okay. I can't run from this, but I can't bring myself to face it. Feeling so damn shitty and frustrated that I just want to ball up and cry.

To make things worst I thought I saw you cycle past my house carpark twice last night.
Sitting there at the playground, I thought it was you I saw cycling past. That person looked so much like you. I had to pinch myself to stop that insanity. Since when did being upset and frustrated lead to hallucinations?!

Suddenly I can't explain my emotions.
Or my frustrations, my fears. Anything at all. I thought I was brave enough to start off in a new direction away from the path most commonly taken, and I've been convincing myself: I CAN DO THIS. Why am I suddenly losing all that hope. Feeling like a complete mess and I have to deal with it on my own.

I want to run away so badly.
I hate this feeling. When you really need someone but you feel like there's no one you can turn to. Freak this shit. I think I need a walk.

Don't give up, please.

A photo a friend sent to me yesterday.
First I need to apologize to all the people who've been texting/WA-ing/calling me. I haven't had the heart to reply any of you and I'm sorry if I've worried you all. Thank you for asking about me.

I need to start somewhere with all of this, even though I'm not sure how so I guess I'll just go straight into it. I'm not going to be able to make it into a local U. Maybe not even a Uni in general.
Reason being I failed a subject, my H2. (Yeah, it's possible) And that also means, it's not a full cert. Even with some minimal A's and B's, another of my pass H2 isn't that spectacular too so that paper is about useless.

One thing everyone asks other than how I am is what is it exactly that's on my mind when I don't say a single thing for hours straight. Again, I'm sorry. I'm not sure I can say anything without crying. Something I've done too much of. But I thought about all your questions: whether from my teachers, my family, my parents, my friends and I have an answer:

Just upset, disappointed and a little lost I guess.

I mean its not that I wasn't preparing myself for the worst, but I guess I always hoped still...

And its more upsetting cause I did spend 3 years. 3 years going through so much, struggling so much, going through periods of time when I lost myself completely and was that close to giving up then finding some way to pick myself up and keep going.

Looking back now its honestly been so exhausting. Not getting it right still makes me wonder what it is that is wrong with me. Everyone around me seems to be getting it. I guess there's just a lot of stuff on my mind now. I did think that I wouldn't be able to make it to local U, just that I don't really know what to do with life now.

What it is that I want, what it is that I'm good at, what it is that I can actually still do.

Academics are not everything people say. Yeah, maybe not many years from now but the reality is that at our age, in this place right now, its everything.

Its like growing up you have this mentality of what your life needs to be. Everyone says local U and then work and then this and that. So when that option is taken away from you then what exactly is there left for choice? Yeah, people will tell me there are so many options. I know there are. There will always be. Just that the others are unconventional, and in all honesty I'm scared of the unknown. 

I know at the end it boils down to me being unable to get past the unconventional. Guess I'm just too used to it. Too used to seeing everyone around me take the same road, and telling me that eventually I'll take that same road. And right now around me, everyone is seemingly heading in that same direction too. Everyone, but me. Because I don't have that choice at all.

At the end, there is a lot of self-doubt. About wondering if really you don't have what it takes, at all. If so then how did I make it in to this place? How did I get into tkg? If I could do it then, then why not now? 

Just feeling tired of everything. And disappointing people/myself. Upset I guess, Lost too.

This is the best way I can explain myself now.
For the people who come to this place to read what I write because you are worried about me, this is all I can say to you right now.

To the people who tell me you know "I've tried my best, that it's okay, that there will always be a way." I'm thankful for your encouragement and your words, but we have to admit: this is reality. This is apparently all I can do, it's limited and really not much at all. And that at the end, I won't be taking the same road as you all. 

I've been a pretty big disappointment these 3 years. And if again I've disappointed people, I have to say I'm sorry. I'm pretty disappointed myself too.

But even in this state, I am grateful for the people who didn't give up on me: My family, teachers, close friends, my seniors. This is not the end I wanted from 3 years out of MJ, the place I really wanted to come 3 years ago and worked hard to make it in. This was not what I was expecting at all to be honest, and needless to say I won't be making it to the Uni and the courses that I've only just begin to really want to go to.

Mr Chong told me yesterday that he thinks I am one of the bravest student he knows. Ms Liyana told me she could only begin to imagine what it must be like for me to have gone through the past 3 years, that she couldn't really even imagine it herself. They both told me that I am not a failure. That no matter what, the one thing they thought I really need to know is: I am not a Failure.

I don't know how true the words on that photo above is.
I don't really know if my teachers are right too, I can maybe only try to believe them a little later from now. Again, I'm sorry for letting my teachers down, my parents, everyone else who believed in me and to anyone whom I've avoided talking to so far.

I guess I just need some time on my own to make peace with what I am now feeling, my thoughts and what I know. I need some time to find a way, and to maybe find me again.

Breathee.

Day 97.

IT'S TOMORROW. EEEYERRRR.
I needa take deep breaths. BREATHE. Alternating between totally calm and in a panic frenzy today... How's that possible? It is possible.

All or nothing huh. That's how that cert's gonna be.
There's always a plan B (positive thinking, think positive, think positive) My heart's racing in a not so pleasant way and my palms are all sweaty, haven't felt like that in awhile. Haix. Been distracted and drifting in my thoughts all day, about time for that to stop.

Grandpa told me that if I don't do well it's okay. He'll treat me to Macdonals and ice cream. And even mum said it's fine if I end up in a private Uni (I didn't expect this from her) cause she knows I tried. Thankful for the people who believe in me, but I'm so damn scared of letting myself and them down again. 3 years for this, it can't be for nothing. There has to be something I can show for, please. Not quite sure if that's a plea or a prayer, at this point, maybe both. Leave it in the hands of God I guess, I've done what I can. There's nothing more, and nothing I can change.

Just hope I don't get emotional tomorrow. All the girls telling me they'll end up crying whether happy or sad and I'm just like: NO. I DON'T WANNA CRY. NO. I shall not show emotion, I shall try at the very least. I can do that, I can do that right?

At least the mad ache in my body is keeping me slightly distracted. On hindsight, cardio 4 days straight may have been a really, really, REALLY bad idea but it kept me distracted and I needed that. I have a feeling I'm not going to get much sleep tonight though, most of us really. Everyone's nervous whether or not they say it.

It's going to be okay, I'm going to be Okay.
Really wish I have you here to remind me of that right now.

Inner Demons.

Day 96.

T-minus 2 days.
Less than 10 hours of sleep in the past 2 days, sleepless as always. Haix, my mind needs to take a break and just stop over working -.- " What am I doing with my life?

Great night out w the "Le L" group last night at Timbre. Finally our full strength again with Too out of Tekong and back to civilization. Too was buzzing with excitement and talked nonstop, but it was great cause his stories from inside camp are hilarious, and he ended up spooking kjs by telling him how tough NDU's gonna be cause his cousin's from there too. HAHA. Chris left early and we ended up roaming along the area outside butter fac, lepaking, talking. Too and Ben fell asleep god knows how many times on the floor but we just didn't wanna leave. Guess that's what it's like when you're in good company~ In the end we walked back to the Esplanade and cabbed back. It was a great night with the Le L's. Just thankful for them, and in all honesty to be alive. (after hearing about Mustaqim) It's really a shame that he left. Haix, everything is unpredictable. It'll all be different in a second.

Went to the SMU open house today with Mum and Dad and it was..... nerve wrecking for a lack of a better word. Oh my. So many people, and so much to adsorb about the courses and activities and what I might want to do. Saw so many MJ kids too, guess we are all actively participating (according to the speakers) in our future. MEH. More like just seeing what kinda chances we might get. If we can get it.... Sigh Pie. 

I thought I saw you today at SMU. And for a second I felt my heart jerk a little. It took me about a minute to convince myself that it wasn't you, that it couldn't be you. Got so distracted that I didn't hear Zack talking to me... ah well.

Welcome home though. Having your tweets on my feed so often now feels weird. It's like you're back, but not around me still and seeing all your tweets is like a reminder over and over again. I keep telling myself it's no longer any of my business, it's not my place to care, I can't do anything anymore and I shouldn't. So then, why is it that deep down I still do.

2 days (actually more like slightly more than 38 hours) and I'll know what direction I'm going with my life. 9 more days and you're going to enlist, starting something different, and I can't be there. Is it just me, or is everything so fast? 96th day, but I don't know why I am still counting. Gave it my best and I don't know why I'm still afraid of the results. All these inner battles that happen everyday between knowing what's right compared to what I feel and finding the courage to face my results that are already a done deal. 

I'm honestly scared.

Even though I know this is a fleeting feeling and it'll come and go for the next 2 days, even though I know it's normal to be nervous. I'm scared of how I am feeling really. And as much as I shouldn't, I wish you were here to make it better like you used to.