Love yourself.

Day 116.

Saw Dwayne and Ren Da today then sent Zack off to Europe w Le L's at night
Kjs is finally back from confinement, a little tanner and skinner.
that means He's back too, back to her
It's the friends who are with you that matters.

Siah, Ben and Kaiboon finally found out on Tues night after me hiding it for almost 4 months. Dawn told them everything while I just sat there and cried (I know I shouldn't). And after they found out they were there for me in ways that I never imagined. Ending birthday birthday celebrations early, pushing away majong, missing the last bus & having to walk/cab home just to keep me company till almost 3am.

Cause they knew that I couldn't stand to be alone that night.

Friends are the second family. 

The people who talk sense to me when I don't talk sense at all. I'm not angry at him, I never will be. He didn't do anything wrong, he just did what he could. My stubborn heart is the reason I'm this way. So I'm angry at me. For the way I still love him, for the way I act foolishly cause I say I love him. Like a broken record I've said it so many times: I know this is wrong, I know what I should do. I just can't seem to do it even though I try everyday. 

And so I'm angry at me.

One day, I'll learn to forgive myself for all that I've done in the name of Love.

And maybe one day I'll be able to tell him: "I'm sorry I placed the burden I call Love on you."

It's not that I haven't had my heart broken.

Everyone has, but for me it was only by people I liked, not by someone I love. 

I know the process of letting go and the process of forgetting as time passes by. I know that I need to cut them out of my life, to not think, to not care, to smile and be happy, to live life: the way I am before they came into the picture. But with him it's harder.

He's everything and more than I ever could have hoped for. And he mended me in ways he will never know. They say: "Love the person who makes you happy, who changes you for the better."

That's what I did.

I don't regret it, I don't think I ever will. It was perfect while it lasted.

Now there's someone else there next to him, someone who isn't me. And yeah, it hurts like hell. Just like everyone whose ever been through this told me they felt when it happened to them. It's like nightmare Round 2.... but there isn't anything I can do, or anything I want to do to either. If she makes him happy, then she should stay by him and make him happy. It's the right thing, right?

And me? I guess I will stand at the sidelines and try to learn.
Learn the way the guys and Dawn, Chris, my girls and my older sisters have been telling me: 

"Learn to love yourself more now Sheryl. It's not your fault, so don't be angry at yourself and don't put yourself down anymore. It's not easy, we know. But step by step, day by day: Try and Let it go. We're here with you all the way. Right now you need to put your happiness before his.
You need to love yourself more than you love him."