Inner Demons.

Day 96.

T-minus 2 days.
Less than 10 hours of sleep in the past 2 days, sleepless as always. Haix, my mind needs to take a break and just stop over working -.- " What am I doing with my life?

Great night out w the "Le L" group last night at Timbre. Finally our full strength again with Too out of Tekong and back to civilization. Too was buzzing with excitement and talked nonstop, but it was great cause his stories from inside camp are hilarious, and he ended up spooking kjs by telling him how tough NDU's gonna be cause his cousin's from there too. HAHA. Chris left early and we ended up roaming along the area outside butter fac, lepaking, talking. Too and Ben fell asleep god knows how many times on the floor but we just didn't wanna leave. Guess that's what it's like when you're in good company~ In the end we walked back to the Esplanade and cabbed back. It was a great night with the Le L's. Just thankful for them, and in all honesty to be alive. (after hearing about Mustaqim) It's really a shame that he left. Haix, everything is unpredictable. It'll all be different in a second.

Went to the SMU open house today with Mum and Dad and it was..... nerve wrecking for a lack of a better word. Oh my. So many people, and so much to adsorb about the courses and activities and what I might want to do. Saw so many MJ kids too, guess we are all actively participating (according to the speakers) in our future. MEH. More like just seeing what kinda chances we might get. If we can get it.... Sigh Pie. 

I thought I saw you today at SMU. And for a second I felt my heart jerk a little. It took me about a minute to convince myself that it wasn't you, that it couldn't be you. Got so distracted that I didn't hear Zack talking to me... ah well.

Welcome home though. Having your tweets on my feed so often now feels weird. It's like you're back, but not around me still and seeing all your tweets is like a reminder over and over again. I keep telling myself it's no longer any of my business, it's not my place to care, I can't do anything anymore and I shouldn't. So then, why is it that deep down I still do.

2 days (actually more like slightly more than 38 hours) and I'll know what direction I'm going with my life. 9 more days and you're going to enlist, starting something different, and I can't be there. Is it just me, or is everything so fast? 96th day, but I don't know why I am still counting. Gave it my best and I don't know why I'm still afraid of the results. All these inner battles that happen everyday between knowing what's right compared to what I feel and finding the courage to face my results that are already a done deal. 

I'm honestly scared.

Even though I know this is a fleeting feeling and it'll come and go for the next 2 days, even though I know it's normal to be nervous. I'm scared of how I am feeling really. And as much as I shouldn't, I wish you were here to make it better like you used to.