Don't give up, please.

A photo a friend sent to me yesterday.
First I need to apologize to all the people who've been texting/WA-ing/calling me. I haven't had the heart to reply any of you and I'm sorry if I've worried you all. Thank you for asking about me.

I need to start somewhere with all of this, even though I'm not sure how so I guess I'll just go straight into it. I'm not going to be able to make it into a local U. Maybe not even a Uni in general.
Reason being I failed a subject, my H2. (Yeah, it's possible) And that also means, it's not a full cert. Even with some minimal A's and B's, another of my pass H2 isn't that spectacular too so that paper is about useless.

One thing everyone asks other than how I am is what is it exactly that's on my mind when I don't say a single thing for hours straight. Again, I'm sorry. I'm not sure I can say anything without crying. Something I've done too much of. But I thought about all your questions: whether from my teachers, my family, my parents, my friends and I have an answer:

Just upset, disappointed and a little lost I guess.

I mean its not that I wasn't preparing myself for the worst, but I guess I always hoped still...

And its more upsetting cause I did spend 3 years. 3 years going through so much, struggling so much, going through periods of time when I lost myself completely and was that close to giving up then finding some way to pick myself up and keep going.

Looking back now its honestly been so exhausting. Not getting it right still makes me wonder what it is that is wrong with me. Everyone around me seems to be getting it. I guess there's just a lot of stuff on my mind now. I did think that I wouldn't be able to make it to local U, just that I don't really know what to do with life now.

What it is that I want, what it is that I'm good at, what it is that I can actually still do.

Academics are not everything people say. Yeah, maybe not many years from now but the reality is that at our age, in this place right now, its everything.

Its like growing up you have this mentality of what your life needs to be. Everyone says local U and then work and then this and that. So when that option is taken away from you then what exactly is there left for choice? Yeah, people will tell me there are so many options. I know there are. There will always be. Just that the others are unconventional, and in all honesty I'm scared of the unknown. 

I know at the end it boils down to me being unable to get past the unconventional. Guess I'm just too used to it. Too used to seeing everyone around me take the same road, and telling me that eventually I'll take that same road. And right now around me, everyone is seemingly heading in that same direction too. Everyone, but me. Because I don't have that choice at all.

At the end, there is a lot of self-doubt. About wondering if really you don't have what it takes, at all. If so then how did I make it in to this place? How did I get into tkg? If I could do it then, then why not now? 

Just feeling tired of everything. And disappointing people/myself. Upset I guess, Lost too.

This is the best way I can explain myself now.
For the people who come to this place to read what I write because you are worried about me, this is all I can say to you right now.

To the people who tell me you know "I've tried my best, that it's okay, that there will always be a way." I'm thankful for your encouragement and your words, but we have to admit: this is reality. This is apparently all I can do, it's limited and really not much at all. And that at the end, I won't be taking the same road as you all. 

I've been a pretty big disappointment these 3 years. And if again I've disappointed people, I have to say I'm sorry. I'm pretty disappointed myself too.

But even in this state, I am grateful for the people who didn't give up on me: My family, teachers, close friends, my seniors. This is not the end I wanted from 3 years out of MJ, the place I really wanted to come 3 years ago and worked hard to make it in. This was not what I was expecting at all to be honest, and needless to say I won't be making it to the Uni and the courses that I've only just begin to really want to go to.

Mr Chong told me yesterday that he thinks I am one of the bravest student he knows. Ms Liyana told me she could only begin to imagine what it must be like for me to have gone through the past 3 years, that she couldn't really even imagine it herself. They both told me that I am not a failure. That no matter what, the one thing they thought I really need to know is: I am not a Failure.

I don't know how true the words on that photo above is.
I don't really know if my teachers are right too, I can maybe only try to believe them a little later from now. Again, I'm sorry for letting my teachers down, my parents, everyone else who believed in me and to anyone whom I've avoided talking to so far.

I guess I just need some time on my own to make peace with what I am now feeling, my thoughts and what I know. I need some time to find a way, and to maybe find me again.