Tortured.

Day 100.

A whole new wave of frustrations tonight. Why do I feel so absolutely frustrated and tortured right now?! What's wrong with me. It's not normal for me to feel like this, like everything is wrong. So dang helpless and my insides feel all tangled for reasons that I can't even pinpoint.

Spent the last 3 nights in the park downstairs, thinking of my options.
Sitting at our bench, sitting at the playground, walking around the blocks, standing on top of the basketball court. Thinking as I watch strangers leave me one by one till I'm the only one left alone there.

I thought I could make peace with myself, but it's turning out harder than ever with everyone talking about what courses they are applying, when people still ask me how I did, how I'm doing, if I'm okay. I can't run from this, but I can't bring myself to face it. Feeling so damn shitty and frustrated that I just want to ball up and cry.

To make things worst I thought I saw you cycle past my house carpark twice last night.
Sitting there at the playground, I thought it was you I saw cycling past. That person looked so much like you. I had to pinch myself to stop that insanity. Since when did being upset and frustrated lead to hallucinations?!

Suddenly I can't explain my emotions.
Or my frustrations, my fears. Anything at all. I thought I was brave enough to start off in a new direction away from the path most commonly taken, and I've been convincing myself: I CAN DO THIS. Why am I suddenly losing all that hope. Feeling like a complete mess and I have to deal with it on my own.

I want to run away so badly.
I hate this feeling. When you really need someone but you feel like there's no one you can turn to. Freak this shit. I think I need a walk.