Nightmares, Fears & maybe new Hope.

Day 106.

I still haven't been replying people, they must think I'm a horrible person.
I can't really blame them, just that I still haven't been in the mood to talk I guess. And there's a lot I need to settle and straighten out right now.

So drained these few days.
Bad sleep nights then going to all the private schools in the day and asking for more information, coordinating timelines for admissions, trying to decide on what I want to study: something I've always been interested in (but not so good at) vs something I'm relatively good at (and interested, but not as much as the other one)

Watching other people struggle with local Uni applications, tweeting about how frustrating and hard it is to write their admissions essay/not knowing what they want to do/their fears of not being able to get into the course they want/them being too lazy to start applying to local Uni's. And I think to myself: Well, it'll be worth it right? When you all get in to the uni you want, or any LOCAL U in fact. At least you guys can try, so while it's hard, be thankful for that.

Private education is A LOT more overwhelming than I thought it was. I guess it's cause growing up stuck with the mentality that local U is the "right way" to go, that we must do well in everything to stay competitive: good schools, good grades, relatively good conduct/extra curriculum and everything else closes our eyes to how difficult it actually is on the other side. Everything out there in the priv education, is up to you. Though in all honesty, our life has always been what we make of it ourselves, but if you've always been a "good student" one with the grades and what not then you'll most probably have always taken the "right way" and I guess maybe then you'll never know what it's like to stray from that path.

Had I done well, I most probably would be on that "right path" too right?
These nights I wonder to myself: if this is the path I have to take (whether or not by choice) I'll just have to try my best and face it as courageously as I can. Not a full A-level cert, Not going to local Uni  that's okay. I've always thought it was okay when other people told me that was them. It's just that when it's me. That's a whole different thing.

All my life I've had these expectations of myself.
Things I kept telling myself I wanted to do, I had to do. Not cause anyone else told me I had to, not cause someone else forced me to (okay, maybe they had expectations but it wasn't forceful) Point being it's all these things I wanted, for me. And every time I didn't meet any of these expectations, I lost Faith in myself. I think that's where it goes wrong, when I start losing hope and faith in myself for the things I couldn't achieve.

At the end of it all, I find myself in shambles. With fears that I can no longer amount to anything in the future maybe, and that's such a scary feeling. Slowly I think, somehow and someway I'm going to start believing in me and my abilities again. I'm going to take a longer way, but I'll make it some way right? Yeah, that's right. I'm just going to try to keep reminding myself of that, and to keep trying to find hope in every single day.

I had a nightmare last night though.

Dreamt about the night we broke up.
Every single thing I thought I had managed to bury came back to me in that instant; every single detail of that night. I woke up in shock, to my heart beating so fast I couldn't register where I was or what was going on. It was 4.16am, I was in bed, and that familiar heartache I know too well was back again.