Of New Beginnings and Second Chances.

New Year's Eve,
time for a New Year again.

New beginnings, New chances, New places. The idea of a do-over, a fresh slate. It's yours to make of it - like you're back at Go on the Monopoly game.

Maybe that's what everyone likes about New Years. The promise of a shot at anything, everything you can possibly think of, because WHY NOT? Closing a chapter, whether it was full of laughter or tears, pain, magical moments. It's all in the "past" and you move on in the cycle of life: 1st January, the beginning of everything.

2016 is going to be another fast one (Pretty sure I'm going to be right about this seeing the rate that the last two years have passed, so does this mean I can start predicting futures now? Make a living out of it maybe? HAHA I wish)

But yeah, I'm looking forward to it, something I didn't expect myself to say. As hopeful as I am every New Year, I've always been a little afraid of the unknown. Maybe everyone is in some ways.... but this time the unknown doesn't scare me as much. Perhaps because I trying to learn to just let life happen instead of worrying my head over it all. It's going to be a year of chances again:

1) Thinking of doing that internship I've been talking for 6 months about

2) Volunteering - pretty excited for this

3) The guys are gonna head off to Uni and things are going to be different.....for all of us.
It's something I knew would eventually have to happen. In some ways I've been trying to prepare myself for when it does. But I realised there really isn't much I can prepare for. We all grow up, but hopefully we won't grow apart. Then again, that's just the way things have to be.

4) I'll be heading to the states to study, finally.

5) I will be turning 22 - which is OLD?!
Don't know why but I've always felt this big gap between 21 and 22 like 21 is freedom for self choices but 22 is adult, responsibilities and bills. Weird, I know, but that's how it's always felt for me.

6) It's a new year in my life.
A life that hasn't been lived enough to be called long and yet it's been lived for too long to be spent without working towards something (a goal? I don't know) So to this in-between age/year I am in, I..... would like to be excited this time, to start figuring out where all of this is going to take me.

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2015 has been nice.
I hit the big milestone of 21. That's an equivalent of being an adult right? Some friends have told me that the few months (or the one year) I have between them and me makes no difference really. I beg to differ. It's got to do with the state of mind I think? Your mentality on life and your own actions, responsibility for yourself etc. 21 is shedding childhood, and also a little like your "training-wheel" year to becoming an adult, to me at least.

It's the year I got closer to some people, closed a portion of my life for good, I learnt new things: from people, and things. The year that has, to be honest, been quiet, relatively drama free and on the surface very ordinary and unimportant. Yet it's the year that helped quite a large bit in the process of gaining back my own confidence as a person and becoming more comfortable with myself and who I am.

I laughed a lot more than cry this year (something I'm really glad about)
I was honest about my feelings towards someone - a first as well.
I took chances.
I made mistakes. (less severe compared to some in the past hahha)
I found the courage to admit I was wrong in some situations.
I made some new friends.
I lost some of the people whom I thought were my friends.
I reconnected with some (second chances right?)
I was the cause of heartache and hurt for some people, something that I'm not proud of but it was necessary.
I forgave myself.
I take things more in my stride now.
I've learnt not to let what other people think about me get to me so much.


More than anything, I learnt the importance of loving myself.


Ups and downs is everyday life.
When life gets hard you brush it off, cry it off and then get up and go again.

Emotions are hard to control, yeah. But your mind and thoughts are yours, and you can try to look at things from a different perspective - it can help with the emotions, I've realized heh.
When I'm stressed,panicky or frustrated, a good cry/vent and sleep is usually the solution to all problems (ALSO BREATHING DEEPLY. It helps haha)

And remember, as always, nothing is forever.
But that's okay, make do with however long you may have: be it with people or in the stage of your life you're in - cherish it, enjoy it, grow from it.

That's life really.
At least that's mine right now.
Another year of things to be grateful for, another year I've conquered.
Another chapter to be closed, but it's just another new beginning.

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No matter who you are, if you're reading this, Happy New Year's Eve :)
If there was anything you wanted to do or say, do it now before it's too late. Don't end the year with regrets or "what-ifs".  20 seconds of insane courage goes a long way.

This quote applies to things other than love: like that friend you fell out with that you wanna reconnect with, or apologizing for a mistake you couldn't admit before, planning and taking that holiday you keep dreaming of. Anything that may be, don't be afraid.  Just do it,  just say it. And then you go from there.....

Forgive easily, but never forget. Love freely and don't hold back. Laugh until your tummy hurts and tears roll down your face. And keep on dreaming your big dreams, cause that's what keeps us all going.

Have a blessed 2016, may it be kind to you.

XOXO,
Sheryl

Kind of Love.

“Growing up I always thought true love was red roses, dates on Saturday nights, little block box that held expensive things, and always knowing what to say. I thought true love was a kiss in the rain, deep explanations, and the perfect story. 

But now that I’m older I’ve realized it’s not like that at all. 

See because true love for me is ugly snapchats, and peeing while you’re on the phone. True love is kissing at 6 AM despite the morning breath and singing at the top of your lungs. It’s saying all the wrong things, at all the wrong moments. 

It’s sarcasm and being honest even when it hurts.

It’s late hours of the night when it’s been a long day and it’s no make up and bad hair. It’s tears from laughter, it’s tears from sadness and it’s nothing like any storybook you’ve ever read. It’s never running out of things to talk about, and it’s being comfortable in the silence of things.

True love is watching The Titanic though you swore you never would. It’s getting mad over stupid things. It’s “you’re an idiot,” and “you’re a little shit” and knowing you’re so lucky to hear those every day. It’s spilling your feelings at 4 AM when you should be asleep. It’s that song you hear on the radio that always makes you smile.

It’s the worst story you could imagine, but thank God it worked out anyways.
True love is never losing the magic.
True love is not leaving when things get hard. 

I like my definition better anyways.”

It's been awhile since I came here, but I saw this somewhere and decided I needed to put this down here. It's just a feeling I guess.

The thing about it is in the midst of reading, it wasn't just romantic love that came to mind. It's the love I have with my few best girl friends, my sisters and sometimes a few of my close guy friends too.

Love isn't always romantic.

Perhaps we are conditioned to think that it is or it has to be, but sometimes Love can simply be for another human. The relationship that you're thankful to have - it's an amazing thing to be able to have someone/people like that in your life.

The me right now is lucky enough to say that I have that, even while being single, I know what True Love feels like (if this is what it's suppose to be like). My kind of True Love comes in the family and friends that have stood by me, the people I wouldn't trade for the world <3 

25/11/15: Day 730.

Day 730.

Time has a way of letting wounds heal.
I've long stopped counting the days, but this morning I woke up and paused on the date: 25/11/15.
It's been 2 years.

So much is different now for the both of us. Often I hear a mention of his name, and the things going on in his life as a casual remark passed by our mutual friends. My heart still stirs a little as if by the touch of a gentle breeze. But now more often than not, I smile in hearing that he's still the same funny person I knew back then: the personality that can only be his.

Dawn remembered today as well, and she dropped me a text to tell me how proud she is of how far I've come since two years ago. Of the growth she's seen in me from day one till day seven hundred and thirty. It's a funny feeling when the people closest to you point out your past to you, but it's also a warm happiness in knowing how much I've grown :)

He's grown a lot too.
Even though our paths have long separated, I can still see the growth in him and the changes he's committed himself to. It's no longer my place to care, and I'm sure to hear people tell me I'm being a busybody to have an opinion, but there's a small sense of pride and happiness in knowing that He has grown a fair bit too. I'm not sure why I feel like that, but that's the way it is. haha

25/11/15
It's his ORD parade today, another milestone in his life.

I scroll through instagram and stop at his photo, seeing him smile so wide.
At that moment I smiled too;
In all that we've both been through separately the last two years, I'm truly proud of his achievement today. It's been a difficult journey, I'm sure.


How far have we both come since then, that's definitely something to smile about.

And this moment I realize, I am truly happy for us both :)

Thank you :') 

Shadow.

Sleep is always the cure to everything. Well not really. Meh.

Waking up in the morning to the thoughts you fell asleep with last night doesn't really make the day seem that cheery.

I know it's just a phase. I have moments like that from time to time. 

I know that it will pass

It's always the same feeling, for a period of time. I'll think about it and it'll get to me. My best friend will tell me to give myself a break and not stress about it. She'll tell me I'm doing great with school, that I'm not hard to love, that it'll be okay. That I just need to take a break and breathe, think about myself more in all that I do because I put others before me too much, that's why I'll be unhappy. She'll give me a hug and tell me to think about it when I'm calmer.

But I just wanna stop thinking about it and push it aside like I've always done and go back to being the me everyone is used to seeing - the me that smiles non-stop cause there's a lot in life to be thankful for.

Every time this happens I hate myself cause I feel weak. Because every time I think about my life, I feel tired and I end up crying.

It's exhausting,
Trying to shake off this shadow

Of being miserably unhappy when I don't even know why I even need to feel this way. Why should I feel this way? I'm not starving, or broke, not sick or that anyone around me is dying.

I am just unhappy

And me being so unhappy makes me feel like I'm an ungrateful person.

2:56am

2:56am
I wonder why I have all these thoughts lately.
That I'm so alone.

Even though I know so well I am not - surrounded by people who care and love me.

I feel so lonely.
Like a wanderer drifting, trying to find some meaning to my existence. For something, someone, myself even. Anything to keep me going: to make me feel like I'm needed somewhere.
I don't seem to have the will to continue the fight for myself anymore.

Nights like these are getting more frequent and tiring.
Empty house and late night thoughts.

What is this heart wrenching feeling I'm having?

Drowning.

I knew I said I wouldn't give up no matter how hard it gets.

But all the stress I'm feeling to be on top of everything and the workload that's literally drowning me,
I almost can't breathe.
I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I HATE THAT I'M BECOMING SO WEAK. That I keep crying because I feel so stressed. I don't have the time to waste crying cause of the amount of work to do.

But most of all I'm so fucking exhausted.

I just want to call it quits.

Status Quo.

"WE ALL WANT THINGS WE CAN'T HAVE.

BEING A DECENT HUMAN BEING

IS ACCEPTING THAT."

- John Fowles

Admitting what your head already knows is sometimes the bravest thing one can do,

Even if your heart can't quite grasp it yet.

There are some things and people in this world, we can never have. They are the ones perhaps best left to regret. This much at least I know.

I've never regretted anything, anyone. 

and I've always said that it would be so, but these days I'm not so sure anymore. Some decisions in my life could provide the respite I've been looking for. But doing so will set me back from others - then again I've stopped being bothered by whether I was on par in life with other people. I still can't seem to decide though, what it is that I really want for the next 2 years of my life. What impact this will have on the people around me.

And then there are the people I choose to regret. 

I will look back and think this could have been such a wonderful "maybe" but the cost of that choice would be too much for either of us to handle. I've learnt to put the happiness of the people who matter to me ahead of my own. Simply because I wouldn't be happy if my choices made them uncomfortable.

We all want things we can't have.

The difference is, at least in this phrase of my life, I won't insist on having it my way. 

Everyone would be happier with status quo.

And I can, and will, learn to live with that.

Change.

Ending the week in a frenzy of things to do: it's the Mid-sem checkpoint and we are all in a mad rush for midterms, presentations, project deadlines and checks.

I spent the entire of Hell week one with less than 3 hours of sleep daily, several kg of milo (I kid you not, I am a huge milo fan haha) and working nonstop throughout the day and night. Lets just say I'm glad Hell week one and my 3 midterm papers are over. And now even Hell week two is over. Everything just flies by when you're busy yeah?

The thing about being insanely busy is how you pack yourself full and leave no room for anything else other than sleep, food and a shower. Sounds crazy, and it really really is hell of a tiring since I fall asleep instantly every night. But it leaves no room for me to think about other stuff - and sometimes that's a good thing.

Either ways, I took a much needed break tonight with some of the Uni girls. It felt good to eat GOOD FOOD <3 and talk and laugh like there were no deadlines and work (YEAH RIGHT.... I'm going back to them later haha) more than anything it felt good to just have a normal clique of girls, something I haven't really felt since the start of Uni but I'm glad I'm starting to find.

Some things are really funny.
The friendships I used to stress and worry myself over... they held no meaning once I found out what I really wanted, what kind of people I wanted to surround myself with. By then, it didn't matter what they thought, or how they wanted to treat me. I was okay with it. And with time, life set some other kind souls in my direction and everything's just working its own way out.

Funny isn't it?
Now that I'm so clear about the kind of people I want in my life, the kind of friendships and relationships I want to keep and am waiting for, it's become a lot easier to let some people go and to stop certain things before they even get started. I no longer worry TOO much (haha) over the things I cannot change. I just accept it.

And what an liberating feeling this is.

Not necessarily always the outcome I hoped for, but the one that perhaps I needed, that's why it's the way it is.

Whatever it is, school work is the biggest worry I have now HAHA (still not a nerd, I promise) and I'm glad that it's this way. It's the one thing I definitely have the power to change and it'll always be in my control, for the most part anyways. It's not been easy though, I have to admit.... there are so many days when I come back wondering why I chose the route less travelled and make life difficult for myself. There are nights when I'm so tired I wonder to myself "can I just give up?"

But there isn't regret, or second thoughts just acceptance that this was what I wanted and still what I want. For that reason alone, I won't and can't stop.

Feels.

寂寞光年 

Haven't heard this in such a long time 

till it came up on the radio and it's been on replay everyday since.

There will always be something about chinese songs that simply put all your thoughts into place

something about them that sums up everything you're feeling into a span of a song.

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是谁从我天空摘走了星星
Who took away the stars in my sky
一转眼 眉头聚满乌云
in a blink of an eye, the sky is filled with dark clouds

从来快乐悲伤都自己判刑
 all along I've carried happiness and sadness on my own

忘了我也值得被关心
 I've forgotten that I deserved to be concerned about too

一双手一个梦
a pair of hands, a dream

一路上不断的俯冲
keeps on falling though on this journey

痛到忘了要怎么喊痛
It hurts so much I've forgotten how to scream

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
Endless loneliness drowns my sorrow

我的世界是零下的沙漠
my world is a subzero desert

其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
Actually I do want to have the warmth of a hug

融化这颗坚强的泡沫
to melt this rigid foam 

漫长的等候让人特别失落
Endless waiting puts people at a loss

锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
sharp loneliness tore the sky

还有谁能够紧握着我的手
Who can hold my hand tightly 

陪着我期待消失的彩虹
and wait for the reappearance of the rainbow with me

是谁将阳光都剪成了雨滴
Who changed the sunlight to rain

天灰了，快乐总有限期
the sky became dark, happiness always has a time limit

从来都陷在孤独的流沙里
always hidden in the sands of loneliness

忘了我也配被人在意
I've forgotten that I deserved to be cared about

一个人一直走看着梦像做了又空
Walking alone, trying to reach a dream, but never being able to

精疲力尽有没有哪里可以停泊
extremely worn out, is there a place for me to stop?

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
Endless loneliness drowns my sorrow
我的世界是零下的沙漠
my world is a subzero desert
其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
Actually I do want to have the warmth of a hug
融化这颗坚强的泡沫
to melt this rigid foam
漫长的等候让人特别失落
Endless waiting puts people at a loss
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
sharp loneliness tore the sky
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
Who can hold my hand tightly
陪着我期待消失的彩虹
and wait for the reappearance of the rainbow with me

那是谁的温柔留在我的小手
whose warmth is that, still felt in my hands

微不足道却那么重
insignificant yet still so important

漫长的寂寞把意志都吞没
endless loneliness have swallowed all will

整个世界是沉默的漩涡
the whole world is in a silent whirl

有谁能陪我手牵着手出走
who will accompany me, hold my hand

带我离开空洞的星球
take me out from this empty hole

还有什么值得追求
What else is there left to pursue

还有什么可以拥有
what else is there for me to call my own

把怀抱借给我是不是就不再颤抖
Lending me a hug, will I stop trembling?

有谁能带走这美丽的哀愁
Who can take away this beautiful sorrow

能让我相信被爱的理由
let me believe there is a reason, for me to be loved

Anonymous.

2:38am

Some Loneliness, are Greater than others.

Temporary.

3:32 am
It never does anyone good to ponder this late at night. But yet, here I am. Surprise, surprise?

Don't really know why too, but I felt like I needed to empty a part of me out before I could sleep tonight. The idea of Temporary.

Nothing in this world stays constant, nothing in this world will remain permanent with no change: it's something that I have accepted. Some people and things more than others, will stick around a little longer - and when they stick around long enough we give them a name and allow them to stay.

Family, Bffs, Lovers, Scars, Memories.
They all have a name, they all get to stay.

All of us has that someone whose temporary to them, just like we are all someone else's temporary.
It's a never ending search for that feeling that gives you "Forever" even when you know nothing is forever. We search for it in the things we seek to do, in the friends we hope make, in the people we try to love, in the strangers we meet each day.

But you see, what we all seek isn't something you can hold in your hand tightly and never let go. What we seek needs to be cultivated, earned, gained and then Lost only for it all to be repeated again. Truth be told, a part of me thinks we live for the temporary: for whatever fleeting thing it is we desire with all our hearts and mind and souls. It keeps us going, that never attainable goal.

Yet it's tiring to be temporary.
To be someone else's temporary is to leave a scar on them when you no longer can stay, or for them to leave a scar on you when they decide it is time to go. Temporary is draining really: emotionally, physically, spiritually. The hardest part is when you have to force someone to recognise that you might only be a temporary in the thing that they seek from you.

I've been a temporary for so long.
Then again, we've all been.

And we, will always be that way.
Life with death, Reunions and Partings. Paths that come together only to be separated. I'm a sucker for Fate - believe that it exists with all my heart, and so everything can be changed if your fate wishes it to. But the one thing I know fate can't decide is that: Us Humans, we were made to be temporary.

And honestly, how sad is that?

02:41am.

Lava Lava You.

Sunday again.
All my weekends are zooming past so quickly and week 3 of school starts tomorrow. School's been treating me pretty well, and I'm just excited that I'm taking Journalism this sem :)) It's been... everything I expected and also kinda more. It's dry for some people, but I'm truly liking this mod. The feeling's a little like the excitement I got back when I was studying GP and I learnt new stuff (I am not a nerd, do not judge me haha) I'm just trying to say that this mod is my motivational source for this sem and I'm glad it's that way :))

Spent yesterday with the bacons out celebrating Dawn's belated day and as always, time with them is always good. Finally after 5 months, Christine, Dawn and I are reunited together. It's been hard finding time to meet as we used to and I honestly see the guys a lot more than I do them.. but every time we meet it's like we never separated. They are still the girls I turn to for everything and the two people who know me better than I'll admit heh.

Went drinking last night before we, in all our impromptuness, decided we should watch a movie at 1 in the morning... and so we did HAHA Glad we did though, cause I've been meaning to catch this and IT'S A DISNEY MOVIE AND DISNEY MOVIES ARE NEVER BAD!!! So all the more we should watch it hehe I've come to an alarming conclusion that they all think the character Joy from Inside Out is exactly like me LOL. Worst still it was KJ who pointed it out haha. So apparently to my friends, I'm a crazy, overly-positive and hyped up weirdo HAHAHAHA thanks for the love friends

Glad we got to have an almost-all-member present gathering before we all separate for another week of battles with school, and camp duties and life in general mehh at least I'm feeling charged up for the week! (actually not really, I'm just trying my best to psycho myself) and with that I shall leave you with one of the most plainly retarded thing, that is also oddly cute, we saw last night in the movies: LAVAAA

Could only find the 40 sec version of this hilarious video, but I promise I'll post it when I can find the full version!

To New Beginnings.

I look retarded haha but TRYING to embrace Year 2 be like this

Tomorrow marks the first day of Uni year 2.
It's been a year since I've started on this journey. A year away from the conventional path that almost all my family and close friends have chosen; and what a year it's been.

Year 1 really went past like a flash. Everything and everyone seeming so oddly unfamiliar in a familiar way. (Sounds weird, I know hahha) Studying was familiar yet different: I knew how to study, it was the same as before. But the way it was taught, the way I was learning was all different and to be honest I embraced it. It's been fun. Real tiring and hectic with the tight deadlines, but learning's been fun. :)

The people were also in some ways similar and in some ways also distant. Different from the bacon familia for sure, and perhaps I've yet to find my place with them. But there have been a few kind souls that have made this one year easier, fun, memorable even. Lessons in friendship, in self-happiness were taught to me, and I guess I could say I've learnt a fair bit from them. Letting go of people have become easier - as I understand more each day that I can't please everyone, and what they do should have no hold over my own happiness. At the end the friendships that really matter will reveal themselves and people are seemingly always temporary: something I'm still learning.

A friend at work told me today: "You're sometimes overly optimistic. You're the kind of person who believes in the good of everyone and trusts them fully until the moment they betray you and that trust. That can be a disadvantage at times."

The funny thing is this girl is my exact opposite, she always doubts people till proven that they can be trusted. And here we both are: slowly finding ourselves becoming closer and better friends. She's one of the kind souls I've gotten to meet in school the last one year and as opposite as we are, I'm glad we got close cause she kinda balances me out. :) But yeah, she may be right about me and the way I view people: trust till they betray me. Yet I wouldn't do it any other way too. Always treat others with sincerity, the way you want to be treated, even if they don't treat you the same. At least that way I will always know that I haven't let my conscience down.

And suddenly I'm starting to feel nervous for year 2.
Like a little kid on the first day of school again haha. I wonder what this year will bring, how things will change. Tomorrow when I go back, what will they be like -  things change so often it's hard to keep track of who's what and what's exactly going on to be honest hahaha. A little apprehensive of the things that might happen, but I'm looking forward to going back to studying again (might be book obsessed, but I happen to like what I study so it's all good :))

People have asked me the same few questions, but my answers are still the same: I don't regret making that decision and giving up on that chance to go to a local Uni. I don't regret seeing all my best friends enjoy hall life and local uni life more than I did. I don't regret "shrinking" my "future opportunities" be it in work, in chances or in relations with people. I don't regret cause I listened to my heart to make this decision back then. So no matter how hard it can get, no matter what comes my way, I will keep going as I've always done.

And so here's hoping Year 2, with all it's challenges and people it brings, will be kind. (PLEASEEE)
I think I'm better prepared for them this time. I think. Haha

Loved.

I woke to my usual routine this morning.

Doing the usuals of having a good stretch while rolling in bed for about another 20 mins after I first open my eyes, switching off my airplane mode and letting all the notifications ring, looking out the window and taking in the silence of the day as everyone's at work/school and I'm just trying to treasure my short semester break. Everything is same old same old, the stuff I would do if I wake to an empty house on a typical weekday.

I got the same kind of messages and notifications too, from the same loving people. But today, not knowing why, I felt a little like crying as I scrolled through the messages. Every once in awhile I get messages that I take for granted. Perhaps cause I've grown used to the love I receive from these kind people, so much so that I forget: this isn't their job. They don't have to show me so much concern, they just choose to.

A message from my mum wishing me a good day, asking me to take my meals on time and telling me she loves me. A couple of messages from my good friends nagging at me to not sleep so late, to rmb to eat when I'm at work. Messages from Chrissy telling me about something random (she's like my informant) and then also nagging at me about things like taking care of my health etc hahaha she'll always ask me how I'm feeling if I happened to go to bed upset the night before. Dawny, even with her busy schedule will check in on me whenever she knows something is up.

I've grown used to all these.

So much so that I've taken them for granted from time to time. These people have loved me so well, even more than I love myself sometimes. These are the people who will buy me my cravings on a weekend morning cause they know I'm tired from school (mum and papa), they are the people who will answer 3.30am calls when I feel silly for my feelings and just need to talk, and sometimes even her boyfriend joins in to give me advice HAHA. The people who tell me no matter what time of night it may be, if I need her just call, she'll wake up for me. The people who deliver multiple dinners to me (bad communication LOL) when they visit me together at work just cause I didn't have any food. And then be dodos, only staying for 20 mins after all that travelling, refusing to let me send them home even though we all stay 5-10 mins away from each other. 

People have asked me why I'm still single after all these while, even after moving on. I've always said it's cause I haven't found the right one yet. This statement, I'm beginning to think, is a little of a lie. 

I admit I don't trust so well anymore, and so I've become wary of people. But there have been people, that have been so kind to me and accepting of my flaws and insecurities. And there's someone that made me want to be reliant again, something I haven't felt in the last 2 years. But at the end of the day, things happen and it doesn't work out. But being so loved by my family and friends - I think I've become okay with staying on my own for awhile.

So even when people who say they'll wait for me move on from me as fast as a snap of their fingers, even when I start to feel a little something for someone who doesn't feel the same way back, even when some friends turn out to be people just using me for their own interest: I know I will be okay. That my fear of being abandoned again won't haunt me for long, because I have people who will love me even if no one else does.

Realising all that this morning: how loved I am.

These people are the reason that I've been able to get through just about anything. They've supported all my unconventional decisions without question. I am who I am today because of the love I've received. 

And for that, I am grateful and thankful for the life I've been given.

Reliance.

Reliance is a scary thing.

What scares me most is how you can become reliant without fully comprehending it, and by then it might be too late. 

Haven't felt like this in so long, that sense of emptiness and a slight unwillingness when I turn my back on someone and walk away. That feeling that sinks your heart. I know what I'm walking away from, I know where I stand. 

But just because I know, doesn't make it any easier.

Old is Gold.

So my cousin texted me Happy Birthday yesterday and knowing my apprehension towards turning 21, he ended his really nice birthday message with the words: Young is good, but Old is Gold.
HAHAHA I've got to admit, that made me feel a little better.

Finally turned 21 yesterday and like some of my closest friends have told me: actually, there's no difference haha. I'm still me, my views are still the same. Nothing much has changed really. But I guess to my family a lot is different. 21 has always been a bigger a deal to the adults than to us kids (I AM STILL A KID, I DON'T CARE HAHAHA) So now comes the talk of life responsibilities, adulthood, getting myself a relationship and what not -  typical adult stuff yeah? Can I just say: I'm still not ready for all this serious talk. It's all happening as if someone flipped a switch and suddenly my parents, aunts and uncles are having all these conversations with me that has NEVER been mentioned before? LOL

But in the midst of all of that, I am much grateful for the love and well wishes from the different people in my life these last 2 weeks especially, with the birthday party last weekend then the celebrations and surprises this week. It's like I can never forget how lucky I am: because so many people give me reminders all the time <3

I know many people don't know the real me, and so there's a lot of speculations, talks and assumptions. I can't deny that there have been so many a times when all that have gotten to me and I second guess myself - happens to everyone I think. But then these kind people come along and tell me plainly put: "Those who don't know you well enough to say stuff like that can just shit off. They aren't worth your time. All that matters is that we know who you are, and we love you for that. Just keep being you." 

When I was turning 20, I kept telling myself I needed to remember to be thankful and to learn to let things go. When I was turning 21, I second guessed myself for a moment wondering if all that I had been doing for other people was right - and why was it that sometimes even my closest of friends and family still couldn't really understand me. Don't get me wrong, I know how loved I already am. I guess it was just one of those moments when you get selfish and wished for more. But then boobie reminded me: we are sometimes blinded by how much love is given to us, but just because it's not always visible, doesn't mean it ever disappears. The love they all have for me is always there, they just sometimes forget to show it. That same night someone told me: The thing I've realised is that there are times when we have to just say what we want. Other people can't guess what's on our minds. So help them a little by saying it.

Of course the moment has passed and those thoughts went as quickly as they came.
Thinking back it's quite silly of me to have such thoughts. A little at least haha. I guess I was feeling a little nervous of what being an adult was going to mean for me. Both of them are right though, and again proof that I'm blessed for having friends/family who will be there when I need them: regardless of when or where.

The me now is just kinda very clear that I need to start taking charge of my life -  to do things for myself because it makes me happy, and not to just please others. To know when some people/things are doing me more harm than good and when I need to let them go. The last few months have seen me become more of that, and I'm happy I'm finally not caring for others so much that I forget about myself #smallsteps

I'll still remember to be thankful and grateful for all the little things though, they are afterall, the things that got me this far in life. Think I might be slightly more ready for this whole "adulthood" thing now. Just gotta try my best and follow my heart I think :))

Until that day comes along.

Kodaline - Moving on

Every song has its own meaning to someone, some more different than others. Someone once told me that even with time passed and feelings changed, some songs and words will always bring you back to a certain person: that one person that meant a lot. He is perhaps, that person to me.

Finally played Kodaline again.
After so long. It's different feeling hearing them again. Not quite sure how to explain what I mean by different. It just is.

I was walking in the crowds on the way to take the train and the playlist shuffled to Moving On, a song I haven't heard in more than a year. Quite dramatic this may all sound but at that moment it was the kind of feeling where everyone around you just goes on with life and you feel like you've frozen solid, transported back to a feeling or a memory perhaps? Something buried that got awoken is maybe the best way I can describe this feeling.

One of those cliche things that only happen in dramas and then you suddenly find yourself stuck in the middle of a moment like that. Literally it's happening to you haha. It's a... really really odd feeling. And that feeling got me feeling like I needed to write, an urge I've lacked the past month or so (not quite sure why too) but yeah, it got me thinking to write about a person.

A person I haven't thought to write about in this way in a long time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have wondered to myself for a long period of time as to when I can talk about this again.

When can I talk about it or bring it up to anyone without sounding like I'm not over him, as some people still do believe. When can I talk about it without having to shake off that momentary emotion that sometimes still comes with it.

When will it be right for me to talk about it as if it had happened to someone else, that it wasn't personal, so personal. How much time do I need to give it? To give myself.

It's almost been a year and 9 months.

Funny thing is that time, in its collective moments, pass so slowly now that I'm living my life again. These last 6 months feel like they've dragged on for too long, but in reality, each day zooms past without my proper acknowledgement. Kinda weird.

People bring up the past now without worry of how it may affect me, they are less careful. They joke about it, I mean even I joke about it and brush it off as best as I can. It's my way of letting them know I'm fine, that they don't have to worry about or protect me all the time anymore. In a way I'm happy that they are more relaxed around me, might be cause I'm more relaxed about the whole thing too I think.

In the last few months especially, I've finally been able to talk about it in a more rational, detached kind of way. Might be the people I've been talking to as well. From being people who were strangers in their own way and whom only knew one side, to well, people who now knows when and what to say to me and I guess I could say they now know me too. 

In a lot of ways it's been oddly comforting. Comforting in the sense that I've been trying to accustom myself to the idea that I, with all my different inner conflicting arguments and thoughts towards what we had and him, can coexist within me. (sounds complicated, but it's really not THAT much, to me at least haha) 

At the end I am still clear: What I felt for him was real, it was a kind of happiness I hadn't known before. And I've never blamed or hated him. I doubt I ever will.

Jan 2015, the beginning of this year, at that party. The me then had too many reservations, I thought too much (and maybe I still do sometimes haha) I saw him still as the person I love from more than a year ago and I know for sure that I wasn't ready to be friends. He was right about not being able to be friends with me back then. I couldn't.

July 2015, more than halfway into the year. The me now is a little different. I find comfort in knowing that he is happy. It's more than just wishing and wanting the other person to be happy. It's more of finding peace with things, the way they are and gradually being okay with that. I may still choose to avoid him and the people around him when I see them out on the streets, but it's no longer for the reasons in the past. I just know better than to disrupt the life he has now, even if to him I hold no meaning or impact. It's now more for my own conscience I suppose

More importantly, I think.... I'm now more of me than I was before all of it (for a lack of better phrasing) haha. A slightly braver version of myself, where I know myself better now: all my faults and things I can be better in. I've grown a fair bit as a person. Stronger, definitely. But hopefully I've become a better human too.

It's okay to love someone more than you love yourself. 
"Selfless love" right...? (That's a good way to put it LOL) But okay, on a serious note, don't love  someone so much till it makes life hard for them and the people around them. And don't love them so much that it kills you. That kind of love, may have happened unknowingly. But at the end, my ignorance should not be an excuse. 

This perhaps is the biggest realisation I've had from this all.

Maybe one day if fate wants it so, we can be in each others lives again. 
Whether or not that happens, at least now I know, I'm going to be okay with the idea of him back in my life.

"Until that day comes along,

I'll keep on Moving on."

Show Em'

Backstreet boys - Show Em'

"You find the truth in a child’s eyes 

When the only limit is the sky.

Living proof I see myself in you

When walls starts to close in

Your heart is frozen over
Just show ‘em what you’re made of
When sun light is fading
The world will be waiting for you.

You gotta stand for something 
Even if you stand alone, don’t be afraid
It’s gonna be alright."


Found this song today, and it struck a note in me in so many ways.

I will not be afraid, even if I stand alone.

All or Nothing.

01:19 am

Late night thoughts

With Time I've come to realise how true this is.

For every person that have said that they feel something towards me in the past almost 2 years,

none of them actually stay around long.

Perhaps it's because I've always held them at arm's length, 

away from me and my heart.

I don't blame them.

Maybe what they may not realise is that this has become a part of me: 

one of my perhaps, many flaws.

And so, just as they all are eventually unable to accept this flaw of mine

I too, am unable to accept them in my heart.

This I realise, is perhaps why I still stand on my own today.

26.06.15

Last paper for summer sem 1 today. It's all a done deal now: I'm half done with summer (6 weeks of crazy) Been really intense what with all the issues that's been going on in school, out of school work itself. I'll just be glad to survive this first half of summer heh.

Met my lovely dear Yijia for dinner tonight :) And she had to travel all the way back to central from the east, something I feel terrible about, but I'm glad she was with me tonight.

I saw him today, with her.

Didn't think I'll ever see him in the area, I mean, what are the chances right? Guess I was wrong. But perhaps what's even more wrong, or rather dumb, was how I reacted.

I saw him through the glass, walking towards the sliding mall doors I was about to enter. She was right next to him. And the only thing that came to my mind was: Shit. I needa get out of here.
Funny how my first response was to stop walking, in the middle of a crowd, turn around straight and head for the other entrance just next to the one we were about to enter, dragging jia all the way with me. haha. Dumb right?

Just in time so he didn't see me, so she didn't see me.
While I stood there, looking at them walk past me, thinking: why am I being so ridiculous. Why am I hiding? I guess I'm not sure how I would have reacted otherwise. If I hadn't spotted him, if I had walked straight into them, I most probably wouldn't have been able to, well....I don't know, react perhaps?

It's okay.
Everything's gonna be alright, just like Yijia said. Just like everyone used to tell me too. Just kinda glad I had her with me, being her usual weird self to distract me for a little bit haha.

Feeling really tired tonight, think it's the accumulation of the past school week, the last 3 days of intense studying and perhaps my less than 8 hours of sleep over the 3 days.... all the coincidences tonight, and someone just confessing something to me I didn't ever expect. mehh.

Gonna sleep off this fatigue.
everything always becomes clearer after sleep, Goodnight world.

Happiness.

"Did you ever care?"

Yeah I did. 

"Well then, why did you stop caring?"

I didn't stop caring, I just stopped letting it affect my entire being.

"Why not try again? Why give it up so easily? Does it/that person mean so little to you?"

Giving up isn't easy. Giving up is admitting that you tried and nothing is working, maybe you didn't try your hardest, yeah. But no one can keep trying if you keep hitting the same wall. Having tried then having to admit it was a failure, over and over again. 

Do you know how hard that is?

Giving up isn't always just for people who see no value in something/someone anymore. 

To some, it's turning your back on something that you've put effort into. 

And if that something meant something to you, how can that ever be easy?

I cared. 

I think I cared so much that I got tired of feeling like I was the only one who cared, like I was the only one still trying. It was the same feeling as back then when I tried making someone stay..... I cared so much that I almost forgot what it's like to be happy and happiness is something I don't want to compromise on anymore.

That's why I stopped caring so much: it just wasn't that worth it. 

Not anymore.

Perhaps this is a reminder,

To everyone, no matter who you are, under what circumstances or situation: Don't let people and things get in the way of you being happy. Please always try to choose your own Happiness. 

Don't take life too seriously: it's far too painful and tiring that way

Don't take people too seriously: not all are meant to stay

Don't take words too seriously: they hold no meaning till actions fill their place

Don't take emotions too seriously: for they can change, at any moment

And most importantly, 

Don't take yourself too seriously: things get bad, only to get better.
Everyday, everything, is all part of personal growth. Whether it's doing a little better in your exam, accomplishing a goal, running a little farther on a jog, having more conversations with the people that matter.... Just, Anything really. At the end, be content enough to look back and say "I'm glad I got this far, satisfied and thankful with everything I've done and the people I have with me."

People who read what I write must be thinking that I'm some super unhappy kid all the time or something hahaha. But just because I talk often about "putting my happiness first", doesn't mean I'm not happy with life. I am. I've just been needing a reminder a lot more often lately. I know this because I read it somewhere before: Happiness is not a destination. It is a mood, it is not permanent. It comes and goes. When you think about it, you realise how true this is. And since it is so, then actually we are all Happy people: just at different times.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm still learning about Happiness. 

(maybe in some way or another, everyone is learning too) 

I'm learning to place my family relations, friendships, that past relationship, my goals, worries, fears and whatever else not behind my own happiness. Dawn told me the other day that right now nothing in this world needs to matter more than my own Happiness. Perhaps she's right. 

I like it best when I'm happy too.

Because when you're happy, everything seems better. 

And at that moment, you know that nothing is greater than the feeling you have inside of you.

Relax, breathe, and be patient.

Sometimes, I realise I've become a person that needs everything to be perfect.

It's been that way since MJ, but more often than not ever since I've started Uni. I don't really know why too, I just feel like I have to make sure everything is in order: my life, my grades, my relationships with my family, my friendships, how people see me. Just everything.
And when things aren't going the way I had hoped they would, or when I'm failing to meet all these expectations I have, I start freaking out and stressing myself like crap.

It's really quite sad actually.

These past few weeks I keep asking myself: Why exactly do you live the way you do?
The last few months have been getting a lot worst for me. School work and all the little issues in my relations with different people have me finding myself stressing over things I can't control, things I can't change, things that aren't even my own problems to begin with??

And then I come to this point where I laugh at how ridiculous I am, trying to fit it all into this "ideal" situation/outcome/process I have in my mind, for whatever reason. It doesn't help that I've become absolutely terrible at expressing myself properly lately (haha) I don't quite know how to put my worries and fears into words to tell other people......so they end up kept inside me, in my thoughts every day.

Life isn't meant to be lived like that.

I can't keep stressing about the things that I can't change... I can't keep expecting stuff from myself and others because everyone is human, we aren't perfect. We don't read each other's minds: we'll never know what anyone else is thinking until they say it. I can't please everyone, and I can't help everyone, no matter how much I really wish I can.

I've got to stop drowning myself in my own fears and thoughts.

I was exactly like that 2 years ago, during Alevels, there were so many things on my mind... and I got so scared and frustrated that I couldn't even express myself to the one person I was suppose to be able to share everything with. He couldn't help me even if he wanted to, and I guess in the end.... I ended up frustrating him and driving him away with my actions.

Never again, do I want that to happen.
But it's almost as if, I can't stop this madness (it might as well be madness)

BREATHE
I just need to breathe and don't stress. Things don't have to be perfect, they weren't meant to be, not even close to "ideal". Who you are can't be, and isn't defined by all your worries, imperfections. What others think of you is not who you are. Find your own place, in your own time.

Everything is gonna be just fine, you're gonna be just fine.

"After all that we had."

04:18am

I was always sure.
Sure that even in a sea of faces, I will, by some odd and unbelievable way, still be able to find him.

I was wrong.
I almost didn't recognise him tonight.
He's lost weight
Quieter too, it seems. Not just cause he kept to his friends but in his person, he seems.. quieter
I guess, he's changed again.
And yet his eyes and that gaze, are still the same.

If there really is a thing called Fate, it might just be this: an acquaintance and mutual friend of his texted me for some advice at that time too. I never expected to hear from this person after we all graduated, much less be the one sought after for advice. We were, not exactly friends and I am.... in no means wise. Everything I am is learnt from experience.
Lately, quite some people have been coming to me with relationship issues. My family, best friends, and even people I'm not familiar with. All seeking a listening ear and (maybe?) some way to get out of what they are in. I don't really know why they'd think to come to me. I don't have the answers they are seeking.
But perhaps, my past experiences have something to offer them, or so that's what they tell me.

No surprise that seeing and listening to these people remind me of the past.
Every time someone now tells me they finally know how I feel 1.5 years ago, that moment comes back, and I can't help but feel so apologetic towards them. No one should experience that. But at the end that is not within my control, and what I can focus on is how I can help them in any way, from my limited capacity.
Hearing them talk about the me back then is slightly unnerving.... why wait almost 1.5 years to tell me how they felt about my situation back then? Too much time has since passed for me to know. I guess it lets them get a load of their chest.

It is really quite hard when you become strangers with people once closest to you, lover or friend.
Memories and the emotions that that come with don't just disappear with time. They only fade, but like every thing that never goes away fully, they come back when triggered. That is sometimes the best, but also the most painful thing.

That acquaintance asked me what is to happen from here on. How can she/he cope with losing the person she/he loves if that person chooses to leave. I apologized, saying that I don't have the answers, that if unfortunately true, this is just the beginning of what is to be dealt with alone. But that with time, somehow, Faith and pain will eventually give a solution.

At the end I realized how helpless I still am in such situations.
Not cause I'm lost like how they feel, but because I know what they feel. And because I know there is no shortcut to what they are about to deal with on their own. Support from everyone is great, helpful. But we all have our demons and inner voices, ones that no one else can stop. Memories will become the most cherished and hated thing. And heartache will feel so much like physical ache, you can't breathe sometimes.

All I can do is to pray and hope, for the strength to help them in some way or another, and for it to get easier every time I have to revisit those memories again.

Glow.

Too many people come and go
It's getting harder to tell whose real and whose not.

At the times when you feel alone,
remember the friends who Glow and know that they are the ones who will stand by you.

Loved.

James Bay - Hold Back The River

New favourite song at the moment

Can't stop singing this with the bacon boys (in the car especially hahaha) we sing a lot in the car, mostly involving them (kj, siah, boobie) screeching at the top of their lungs, being dramatic and totally making a complete fool out of themselves HAHA just thinking about it makes me laugh. Too bad they will TOTALLY KILL me if I ever posted any of those videos of us in the car.....if not for that I would upload EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM LOL.

Finals are over, another sem just like that.

And I'm currently already almost 1/2 way through my 2 week break before summer sem starts again?!?! :( booo but it's okay, I shall have fun on my short trip with mama tomorrow first. It's our first mumz and daughter trip together, so I'm kinda really excited for it hehehehe. Hopefully all goes well!

Met Boobie and Siah for lunch today near home and.... we ended up going on an impromptu journey to Katong cause Siah wanted churros to which of course I didn't complain one bit at all cause: 1) IT'S CHURROS <3 and 2) Boobie drove. I've realised how it's only with the people you're closest too that you do the stupidest stuff with and I guess, they are exactly that :') I am also, as always, thankful.

Attended an old classmate's 21st on Tuesday and the one thing everyone seems to agree on (except me) is that I have for some unknown reason, lost a lot of weight and I look like, I quote: "the wind can blow me away" LOL pretty sure I am NOT that skinny yeah, or anywhere near even, but then that's they seem to agree on. Annoyingly enough, when I told them about it, boobie and Siah both said I could use with some fattening up. HAHA they are always suaning me, I wonder when they decided to be so "kind" in telling me I'm not fat. 

Guess I never quite put back on all that weight I lost. Not a bad thing, I'm "healthier" in size I think? though saying that may not have been a good idea, cause I got nagged at by boobie, after which he said some stuff that just made me feel much loved by such nice people really :')) having them around is always a reminder that I'm never alone, come what may, they will stand by me.

Speaking of which, I met another one whose been with me through a ton of crap, I would say: repeating my year, losing myself, my confidence, everything. Then helping me find it all back again. Yeah, we're weird whenever we get together. We get judged A LOT for laughing our heads off at things only we understand and for crying for each other whenever something bad happens too. But maybe that's exactly what it's like to have a best friend, just like it is with Dawn and Chris. And I, wouldn't have it any other way with this girl too.

hehhehe we weird <3

2:21 am and I gotta be up in less than 4 hours for my flight..... I'm forever not getting my priorities straight sometimes. HAHA oh well, them writing feels don't always come, a little like how I only sometimes remember how loved I am.

Gonna go have a great time with mumz the next few days, and hopefully whoever you are that might be reading this, will have a good few days too :)

Au Revoir

Breathe.

Hello out there.

It's been a little too long since I've written in my space. I'm surprised people still come to check on me, but thank you if you're one of those nice people :)) Guess I've just been too caught up with school. Okay maybe not so much of a guess but rather it's really just been all about school the last month or so. Last tutorial and lecture was out the window last week and suddenly even recess week is about to end i.e FINALS ARE COMING. Pretty fast this all is.

The concept of time has been lost this week, something that Kes insists only happens in recess week. Meh. Between the days I spend camping at the airport's Starbucks this past week (or various other Starbucks for that matter) and other little things...... I kinda just let my Monday slipped right onto Friday. Okay, so maybe not just this week, but like every other week for the past 13 weeks kinda just went from start to end :/

But life has been as it should be the past 1 month or so. Busying myself with deadlines, studies, teaching, work. Throw in a little R&R from time to time with my favourite people and that's about right. Been doing yoga a lot more now too. I think it's a lot to do with my knee getting worse and my mind wandering off to no man's land (as always). I kinda needed, and still need, something to ground me, help me find my centre and tame those annoying insomnia nights.

All that yoga is seemingly paying off though, because I've finally (sorta) perfected the mermaid move (don't laugh. even though it sounds ridiculous) this morning after a good run w mumz, papa and sissy's family @ Keppel Marina YAYYY! It ain't much, but as someone wise once told me: small steps in everything you do, small steps.

So much has progressed from my last blogpost till now that I'm not quite sure where to start.
Writing here has always been an outlet, yes. But in many ways it's also the time I take to process all the change that happens. Like me time in my head, but the out-loud version? Haha. I mean, if I can put thoughts into words then perhaps I can understand what my weird little head and/or heart is saying. sorta.

Lesson learnt: I might need to stop being on hiatus for such long periods of time - my mental dump is getting cluttered haha. Then again, when life happens, there isn't much we can do but to go with the flow and keep on going till we can stop to take a breather.

I've been chasing after all these Goals. Ideals. Deadlines.
and that might never stop. It is in an odd way a personal choice but at the end we do what we do for the bigger picture, no? Yet every once in awhile it's good to just sit there quietly and Breathe: remembering that there are still things, important to your own, worth fighting for.

and now... a photo of a roll of fat cuteness to lighten the mood HAHA

Dreams.

Just when you think it's over, you dream.

Some nights I wish I didn't remember anything, just like when I'm awake.

Sometimes I wish the dreams will stay forgotten.

Water remains still until a pebble comes along and ripples the silence: my mind perhaps, works the same way? Sure seems that way

If anything I don't like waking up thinking of the past that has been kept and buried. A closed chapter that resurfaces every time I see him in my dreams. This, really needs to go away. Please.