The End of another Beginning.

Day 36.
New Years Eve.

So it's the end of 2013.
I have a feeling this is gonna be a really long post cause I woke up this morning with bits of memories from this whole year in my head. The good, the bad, the amazing, the awkward and what not. And maybe, just maybe I'm gonna try and write it all down. HAHA.

It's really been a hmm... packed year I would say. Looking back now it would seem like everything went past so quickly with the main idea of A-levels and nothing much left. Thinking about it properly now there was so much in our everyday lives. So many things that happened, that changed. People and relations, ideas, realizations, struggles. All of it.

Well, 2013 has been FAST.
Something that everyone would agree with me on. Haha. Guess it's cause it was our A-level year too. Everyone always says that the A-level year goes by without you being able to really even register much of what went on. In a way, I suppose it's kinda true. Everyday was a race to keep up and keep going till we reached the final destination. Everyday we all had our own battles to fight. Some with ourselves, some with others. It was a struggle, to not give up and to not let the people around us give up.

When I went back to school this year, I had a lot of reservations. All that I didn't sort out in 2012, I carried all those little worries into the new year. But after it started, surprisingly it was different. A good sort of different. All my worries, were really nothing much to worry about. It was about letting go and finding peace and a new group of people who took me for me, and accepted me for who I am. Funny how after I realized that, everything became easier. I had more fun, met more people, made more friends. I was happier too, growing closer to the people that mattered all along (my annoying burdens) and getting to know people better, some of which are now always around me.

Guess that's the way things work, you learn to let go a little and not take things so hard, stress less and some how it all becomes a little easier.
That's what you always told me nearing the prelims and A level period. It's what you always told me when I was stressing out and panicking. That and also you always said you believe in me. Now that I think back, I knew then you were right, just I was still freaking out ALL the time. Haha, I'm just grateful to have had you with me then. You really are my rock through all the down times I've had in the past few months, so thank you for that :)
I once whined about not being able to spend Christmas or New Year's with you cause you wouldn't be around. Back then you said it's okay, we would have many years ahead to spend together. Guess we still will, but it'll be different. Real different huh...

It's been such a crazy year, but I won't forget the people who made me laugh till I rolled on the floor and cried, I won't forget the mornings I had breakfast with my burdens before school, the retarded singing sessions I had with Char in class, the hthts with all ma girls and some guys too. HAHA. The times I was there when my friends needed help, the times they were here when I needed them. The people who cried with me, laugh with me, laughed AT ME (Chawit, I mean you. HAHA). I won't forget you either, everything you gave me then, what we had and what I've learnt from you. People who gave me memories, good and bad. People who changed my perspectives, taught me things and changed me forever. I won't forget it, any of it. I promise.

I started this year the same as the past 2 years after I repeated J1: telling myself it's a fresh start. I'm going back to zero, I'm starting over. Looking back on my 3 years here now and all the crazy things that have happened in my time in MJ, maybe I might start 2014 with the same notion, but a little different: It's a fresh start, but I'm not at zero anymore and I'm not starting over, I'm starting from here.

No one can ever wipe away everything and have a clean slate, so I'm not going to try.
All that has happened this year; the happy times, the sad, the smile, the hurt, the fears, the memories, the things I learnt about myself and from others. I'm going to take all of that and keep it with me as 2014 comes. They will be a reminder of the things I'm grateful to have and the people who I'm thankful for.
It's been a long 3 years.
With so many times where I wanted to just give it all up, but I had support from the best families anyone can ask for, and from so many of the really amazing friends I've made, even from you too. That's why I never gave up, even though it wasn't always smooth sailing be it with these people or at school. I never gave up cause of all of these people and cause I choose this, and I was going to finish what I started.

Now that I've done it, it feels good :)
I may not know what's waiting for me, and maybe it's going to be an even harder year. But its okay. Whatever comes, I'll find a way. I'm just thankful for 2013.
I've fallen down a couple of times, lost family and someone I love, but the year has taught me more than I thought I could learn. It's given me friendships, experiences, a relationship and memories I will always keep with me.
I'm finally leaving MJ. A little odd, and bittersweet. But I'm ready to start something new again :) I guess all that's left to say is thank you to the people who made this journey such a memorable one, thank you to the people who have helped me grow or encouraged me in any way at all these past 3 years. I wouldn't be here without all your help.

Time to end 2013.
A part of me doesn't want to let this year go, but I know I have to.
Here's hoping 2014 will be kind to all of us :)

Home.

Made friends with a HUMONGOUS Harrods bear there!
Excuse the retarded face, I couldn't help it

Day 36.

I'm finally home.
It's 4.43am now and I am wide awake. At least I think I am... Maybe cause I slept a little on the plane just now? Not much either, about 40 mins. Flight touched down at round 1 am. And after the insane 30 min queue for cabs at the airport (cause everyone's rushing home for the New Year I suppose) and settling everything down at home, it's oddly comforting to be in my room and in my bed again.

I guess I've missed home.
Even if it's the one place where I always think of you. I still miss my room, my space, my bed. It smells like me, it feels safe. That's what home is to most people is I guess.

I dreamt of you again last night though.
It happens still from time to time, throughout my trip too...
It'a a horrible feeling sometimes, waking up to reality and realizing everything that just happened, the smile on your face you just woke up to, all of it was just a dream. Guess that's just my sub-conscious mind being annoying and still making a fool out of me. Ah well.

Enough of that for now. So, my Bkk trip.
I would say it was GOOODDDD (insert thumbs up emojis) I had fun the past 6 days :) It was nice cooling/cold air with the sun shining. The kinda weather I know you love and would kill to have in Sg. HAHA. The food was AWESOME needless to say~ because well what else could it have been, Thai food is always good! And the shopping, that was really, really good shoppinggg. But this is all coming from a girl, so yeah, shopping is really kinda what most of us girls do quite well. I really did have fun though, doing all my touristy stuff and seeing the local culture cause mum's godson was kind enough to bring us around all the 6 days.

The only down side is that I'm terribly sick. Meh. Sick throughout the whole trip too... Guess I never really recovered from 2 weeks ago so all the food there made it worst. Haha, lost my voice on the first day I was there and then the flu and the throat and the coughing came. By day 3 I was having a slight fever and stuck in bed while mum and dad went out to run errands without me :(
It's okay though, the hotel is CEREALSLY NICE, which means I just had a cool room to myself + great view and GIANOURMOUS bed to laze around in the whole day. Plus I brought a book along, and Larry and Lionel for company. So it was pretty okay considering I was sick and all.

It was a nice time off though.
I still thought of you when I was there, it's still a habit I guess. Just that I had things to do, and places to visit, and mum's godson to keep me occupied and entertained so it wasn't as bad as when I'm home. I actually really liked that feeling :) Being occupied with good company is really very distracting and I mean this in the best way possible.

But I'm back home now, and it's back to everyday reality.
In other words, my war zone of a room (which I really should start packing, haha) and the ever on-going process of learning to be okay again.
This was really a good trip, a much needed and appreciated one indeed.

A different Christmas.

Day 31.

25/12/13, 12.09 am.

Merry Christmas everyone.
So Christmas is here and it's officially a month since us. A little odd to remember Christmas this way, and yeah I miss you still. But it's Christmas nonetheless, so I hope you're having a great one there with your friends, sure seems like it.

Turns out I got your flight day wrong... hahha. Too out of your life to be updated I think. Now that's just too depressing to talk about so I'm not going to! How's the snow where you are? It's sure looks pretty from where I am. Wished it snowed here too. Snow somehow makes everything look more magical and the world like a better place (too much optimism/retard-ism in me I think)

Flying in less than 9 hours, but I'm done packing so it's all good.
Guess I won't be writing for a few days and that's kinda weird. So used to doing this almost every day it's a habit now.

Christmas with Jie and mum's side is a first this year. We've always had it with dad's side, but cause my aunt is no longer around, we no longer celebrate her birthday on the eve as we've always done all these years. It was her wish, to spend every birthday on the 24th of Dec with us, and we always did what she wanted. It's different this year now that she's gone. and I think it always will be in the years that come with us never going to have a chance to ever do it with her again.....
I still remember her though.
It's been 10 months, but I remember her like it was yesterday. That's the way things work I suppose. It's always hard to forget the people you love, maybe also because they aren't meant to be forgotten.

I wish I had you here to tell you her story.

They say as you grow older, the things you really want for Christmas can't be bought or sometimes, even given.
They are the things you know you can never get back again or never even get to have. Maybe that's growing up, the realization that you can't always get what you want, but even then it's going to be okay.
This is so true this year, with my aunt gone and now you too.

Better.

Day 28.

4th week. How did a month slip past without me even realizing it?
Perhaps it's not a lack of realization, but rather, after awhile counting the days make it all go faster.
Maybe perhaps, I'm already getting used to all of it.

Have a great trip to your favourite country in the whole world alright?
It was weird being at the airport last night when I know you were leaving around that time, but Starbucks with the girls was just what I needed, people who are able to make me laugh when sometimes I just wanna cry. It's a happy feeling, and I'm finally starting to be able to smile and laugh like I really mean it.

We talked till 2 plus in the morning, getting high on weird conversations, funny jokes, Christmas drinks and me still just having to randomly say things about you, things that remind me of you (it's still a habit). It was the surroundings too, being at the port in the wee hours with no intention of travelling and no where we needed to be. Just feeling the cold air as we walked out of the terminal, watching the airplanes take off and having me wonder which one you're on board...
The feeling of having company I know can make me feel better, and with that thought in mind, having everything suddenly feel better.
Gladys came over for an impromptu sleepover after that, cause it was too late and I think I passed the flu bug to Xin Ru... so now I feel really bad. But other than me making her sick, it's nice you know. It's a nice feeling to have friends stand by you even when you're doing all the wrong things and they know it, but they still stick with you and tell you "do what you think is right" anyways. It's really, really, really nice.

I'm leaving on Christmas morning.
Haven't packed a single thing and there's still Jie's Christmas party to attend tomorrow. Ah well, I've always belonged to a family of LAST MINUTE PACKERS. Not quite sure if I'm really excited for the trip either. Not as excited as I thought I would be if I got a chance to get out of here for awhile. I guess it's also cause I know you're not here now, that's why it doesn't really feel different whether or not I leave. But I'll take it, any trip is better than no trip right?

It's a oddly warm feeling, being able to genuinely laugh and smile again.
It's a nice feeling, slowly being able to go back to the way I was before us. Sometimes I can't help but be selfish and think I no longer matter to you, and that really hurts.
It still does right now, but it's getting easier and I'm getting better.
Just the way you want it.

The way it should be.

A Great Big World - Say something.

Day 26.

Falling in love with this song.
It's the song that's perfect for all the late nights I can't sleep, and they sound so DAMN GOOD. It's one of those rare times where Christina doesn't go all out on her vocals and it becomes a soft song that encompasses the deepest kind of hurt; losing someone you love. It's a really beautiful song.

Day 26. All so, so fast. It's been almost a month since you. It's getting... easier? Easier to bury the hurt and ache. It's getting Easier to pretend like I'm okay, and I cry less now. Yayyy for me right?? Went to get my hair done today, just to change my mood and well to feel nothing like myself. I suppose I feel lighter. Less saddening to look at definitely, so that's great isn't it~

Talking to you now, feels so...
I don't even know what's the right word for it. Sad? Weird? Odd? Hurt? I guess a little of everything. It's like, I don't know anymore, how to talk to you. Because I want to talk to you the way I did, just that's not how it is anymore. This hurt, this isn't because you don't want me anymore. This hurt is because even when we try to talk as friends, I feel like something's wrong, there isn't an ease at all for you. It's hard for you isn't it? It must be hard having to deal with me. The way we talk, it's like there's a space. A space so huge that all the nice formalities and the awkward happy tone only shows me how everything, EVERYTHING is different between us. It's a space that maybe, sadly, might always be there from now on.

You once said I'd never lose you, not even as a friend.
Truth is, the way we are both acting now, I maybe already did.
And while I don't blame anyone but myself because I caused my own misery by allowing myself to be so messed up, You are choosing to let it go. You are choosing to forget me the way, I should be too.
It's good though.
It's great knowing you're happy even without me.
That's the right way, that's the way it's suppose to be.

Buried.

Day 24.

Last day of work today. Time to start preparing for the trip and another job interview. If all goes well I'll be working again in Jan.

It's always a little sad to say goodbye to people you've gotten used to. Even though I barely know them, but they are really nice people and helpful too. Maybe I take people in life too seriously. Maybe that's the problem huh. Taking everyone so seriously that when they leave, and they all eventually will, it always becomes hard for me. That's exactly what it's become for me towards you. Hard, really very hard.

I missed you a lot today.
And that really does suck doesn't it. Not hearing from you, not knowing how you are or what you've been doing. Sometimes that feeling makes me feel weird in my tummy and empty in my heart. The feeling of not knowing. The feeling of wanting to talk to you, even as a normal friend, but not knowing if I can even reach out. That's why all I can do is sit at the sidelines and wait. Wait for what I don't really know. But it's all I can do now.

All that I can ask for now is for the nightmares to stop so I can sleep properly for once.
All I can ask is for me to start being normal again so people will stop telling me I've lost weight, so people will stop saying I look tired and lifeless, so people can stop asking me "what's wrong" and the people who care so much about me can stop trying to cheer me up.

Sometimes.

Day 24.

Day by day it's still the same.
I thought it would feel longer each day and in a way I suppose it does.
But it's also a lot faster than I expected.

3.5 hours before I have to get up for work and I still can't sleep.
It's not that I'm not tired. I really am.
Just that it's not enough to put aside all the nightmares and thoughts in my mind.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it almost feels like there was never an "us".

Maybe.

Day 21.

3 weeks, it's been 3 weeks.

Sometimes I Wonder.

Day 20.

Sometimes I laugh at my own actions. I laugh at the way I still am. I laugh at how ridiculous I must seem to you maybe. Day 20, and no where close to being okay.

Went to the farm today.
Because dad wanted time outdoors and I think he's had enough of me mopping around as if the world's collapsed. And so I went. Honestly just to keep him happy and so that he would stop trying to talk to me about this. I'm still avoiding it. Any conversation that people try to have with me, to tell me about how relationships don't always work out and what I should do, what I shouldn't do and all that. I avoid all of it. Because even though they mean well, none of their adult pep-talk/ advice is of any use right now. Because I'll cry the moment they start, and that's why I won't let them start it.

Funny isn't it?

How pathetic this is all becoming. How I can still think of you so constantly that sometimes even when I'm laughing I just stop halfway and try not to cry. 

Funny isn't it? 

How much I still miss you even after almost 3 weeks. Even after starting work, going out, trying to get on with my life. 

Funny isn't it? 

The way I still dream about you sometimes. The way little things remind me of you. The way I'm still wishing you were here. 

Funny isn't it?

Wondering all the time, all damn the time, what I did wrong. Wondering how you are. Wondering what you're doing. 

Funny isn't it?

What I do to myself.

I know I can't change anything. I know you're not coming back. I know you're maybe still guilty. I know you weren't lying. But I can see for myself clearly, how confused you are. How much you're struggling between doing what you feel is right, and me still holding you back. I see what you don't see. Is this why you said I can understand you? 

I know, I know how hard it is for you.

Just that, sometimes I wonder if you ever miss me the way I miss you. Sometimes I wonder if random things remind you of me, the way they remind me of you. I wonder if the thought of me has ever stopped you in your tracks. I wonder if you lie in bed at night thinking of all that's wrong, the way I do. I wonder if you miss the stupid things we did together, the stuff we said, the little things. I wonder if you know how much strength it takes for me to not text you even when I want to. I wonder if you know that every day, when something happens, I always think to tell you, only to realise AGAIN that there's no you here to tell anything to. I wonder if you know that the one who gets left behind always hurts the most and I wonder if you know how hard it still is for me. Every day, all day.

Expectations.

Day 18.

I will not cry. I must not cry.
I cannot cry. I refuse to cry.
But I still do.

Weak.

I need to stop expecting. Stop it. Even when I tell myself not to, I still do unknowingly and that's what kills me. My own stupid expectations.
It's my fault. I do this to myself. It's all my fault.
I'm getting tired of my own nonsense. People out there must be too.

Enough.
No more, No more expecting.

Just be.

Day 17.

Officially sick... haven't been eating or sleeping properly for awhile now, so I guess I sorta expected this. Sigh. Spamming water and all the meds I can find at home right now. I can't be sick, that'll just makes me feel worst.

It's great having Dawny back at work today. It's like the other part of me is back and she understands me so perfectly sometimes even I get a shock. Work today was so much better with her around, completing my sentences and being weird, as always. It's like a song plays on the radio and she'll give me a look that says: "yeah I know, soppy love song. NOT GOOD" or I'll zone into space in my mind and she'll know I'm thinking of you and somehow, some way she'll find a way to bring me back, make me laugh.

That's what best friends do don't they?
Make you laugh when you're about to cry, understand how messed up you are, pat your back and tell you "it's going to be okay, we're here for you" as you cry your heart out (in public some more. talk about embarrassing), offer to stay up with you till 4am cause they know you can't sleep. That's me right now, embarrassing and a soppy mess these days. It's okay though, I have people like that with me now. And I'm grateful.
So even though I haven't said it, cause I've been such a mess lately. But to the few people who know; Jo, Xin Ru, Gladys, Chawit, Dawn and Li xin:
Thank you for listening. Just listening. Thank you for the proper advice even though I know I haven't really been listening at all. Thank you for understanding why I don't wanna go out, why I just can't help but talk about him, why I'm still like this now. Thank you for telling me "it's gonna take time", and that I can take all the time I need. Thank you for telling me I should do what I feel is right. Thank you for saying you guys will be here, any time. I really do appreciate this.

To one of the best older (second) sister I could ever have:
Thank you for drinking with me when I wanted to just forget everything, and for letting me cry, standing by me even though you didn't even know what the hell was going on. Then telling me it's going to be alright when you found out, telling me you supported me when I said I was gonna try. Thank you for being the rational being when I am not. And I'm sorry I'm stubborn and being stupid, but yeah don't worry about me. I'll find my way.

I still miss you today.
It still happens every day. But the tears are slowly getting lesser and it's sorta getting better. I think.
Every day I tell myself it's going to be better and even though it doesn't always work, but I suppose it sorta is getting better. Maybe?
I'm not sure either. Guess I can only keep trying.

The Idea Of Self.

Day 15.

Getting the falling sick vibe... That's bad. Being sick when you're already messed up only makes things worst. Sighh. I just gotta keep on going.

Found an interesting read today. It hit pretty close to the heart of how I'm feeling right now, only one part really, kinda at least. The Illusion Of Self-Esteem:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/amy-miksch/2013/12/the-illusion-of-self-esteem/

Actually, the thing that I felt most about was:

" Unconditional self-acceptance means just what it says. No matter what, unconditionally, you accept yourself. You are a flawed, fallible human being, just like everyone else. You have strengths, you have weaknesses, you mess up, and you succeed. That doesn’t make you any better or any worse than everyone else. Write down five things you dislike about yourself, then five things you like. The former is far easier, isn’t it? The negative things are based on how you compare yourselves to others for the most part, aren’t they? Well stop it! We define ourselves, our “self” based on things that are constantly changing. I challenge you to practice being accepting of the person you are in this moment. Practice accepting the things you perceive to be negative about yourself along with the things you perceive to be positive. Quoting Shakespeare, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” You are enough, and if you start accepting yourself, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find others will, too."

I am enough. 

More than anything else, I am me and I cant change that. Not for anything, not for anyone. Sometimes just being me may not be good enough to achieve certain things. Sometimes I'm not what other people expected. Sometimes I'm not what other people thought I was, or even what they want. But it's okay. 

I am Me.

Imperfect, Crazy, Emotional at times, Odd, Weird, Friendly, and whatever else there is. One day it's going to be okay again, and being me is all I have and all I can be right now.

Anywhere but here.

Day 14.

Week 2. Where is all the time going?
All the times I've been asking myself: "why is time passing so slowly?" Suddenly that question doesn't seem valid anymore.

Day 2 of work.
Dawn's not with me cause she's in HK so I'm going to be all alone with the others for the next few days. It's coming along okay though, other than the physical tiredness and all the cuts and bruises I've been getting, its actually nice. It's interesting to learn new things. But more so because everyone there doesn't know me, and they don't know what I'm going through. 
It's a clean slate, I can pretend I'm happy and no one will ever know. It's a nice place with nice people, and better yet it's a place where I can escape to. Even with all the new blue blacks appearing, 8 hours of standing and quite a pathetic pay (I must admit) I'm honestly fine and quite relieved I have something to pass time with. Afterall, physical pain is always going to be better than emotional pain.

Mum and Dad are planning a trip too, and I really, REALLY appreciate that. Right now I would rather be anywhere but here. Take me to the North Pole for all I care, just not here. Just not in a place where I can only miss you more...

Everything in my mind today is coming in snippets.
Even my writing.... Sigh. I can't write or think properly tonight. One thing's for sure though, even if my mind is a blur, even after 2 weeks, I still remember that night clearly. Everything about it, everything you said.
How much it hurt then, how much it still hurts. All of it.

Hope.

Day 13.

Rain day.
It's cold and blue outside today, a little like how I'm feeling. Alone at home tonight, and it's like I'm not used to this emptiness. How odd, I thought I was already used to being on my own. Guess I was wrong.

Feeling a little better today though, not as... messy I suppose. A part of me has quieten down, and maybe I'm finally admitting the truth that's in front of me now. At least today, I tried to stop giving myself false hope. That's a step, small and insignificant, but it's a step.

I'm still amazed by how my mood and emotions can change so many times a day.
So many emotions in a day: fear, upset, frustrations, confusion, helplessness, acceptance, false hopes and the better times when I tell myself  "I'm going to be okay".
Is this normal? Behaving like this. Having all these emotions and thoughts all together in one day. It's like watching a confused person run around in circles and well, being confused. If it wasn't so saddening it'll actually be a funny thing no?

I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, following my heart.
It's not exactly the wisest or most rational right now and I might be making another really wrong decision again. But I'm still going to go through with it. Right now, I think this might be what's best for me. Maybe I'll end up being more hurt, maybe it won't get better for me at all, whatever it is, it's going to better than regrets.

Dad once told me: "In a relationship, there's no such thing as whether something is fair or not. Both parties give what they feel they can, and sometimes things don't work out. No one can really shoulder all the blame."
I see what he meant now. There isn't fairness in a relationship cause there's no point in saying whether it's fair or not. If you love someone, to you it'll always be fair even if they let you down. If you don't, then it'll always be unfair (whether to them or to you) no matter what they do for you. Affairs of the heart has always been like that. It's just I'm only understanding that now.
You can't force what isn't yours, and you can't change a person's heart if they don't want to themselves. That is something I've always known.

So complicated isn't it, all of this.
Someone once told me: " Love should be simple, happy." But the truth is, not every relationship is like that really. That's okay though. We all learn something from everything that doesn't go the way we had hoped for it to.
I'm learning too, still trying to learn every day.

Truth is.

Day 12.

Went for Ms Halimah's wedding in the day today, and she looked so stunning. Nothing like the usual lady we know. All pretty and princess looking. Really am happy and excited for her, cause she just looked so happy today and well, it's a new journey when you get married (or so I've heard).

I got the answers I was looking for tonight.
All that I've been telling myself I needed to know, all the questions I had didn't really matter anymore after you told me the truth. They didn't matter anymore after I saw you. All that I said I wouldn't say to you. In the end I still did... well, that wasn't a very smart move right? But I guess I needed to. I started this with you based on nothing but the truth, and it's always going to be that way for me.

Sometimes the truth hurts.
Okay, admit it. The truth always hurts, if it's not what you wanted to hear. But this truth, this is something I've been telling myself the past 13 days. It's just hearing it from you, that makes it more absolute. More real. And in a sense, more hurtful. But that's okay, I'm going to be okay, it's going to be okay.

I don't really know what's left for me. There's nothing more I can do, nothing more I can say, nothing more I can give. This is perhaps the time when I finally admit: I've tried. I really did. Everything you mean to me, everything we mean to me. I think I've done what I can. And there's nothing left for me except to keep going as I am, either praying for a miracle to happen or learning how to let go.

Truth is, it's scary how people can change, how feelings can just change. But that's part of life, it happens to everyone unless you're really really lucky. It's the way things work, I know.
That's why, even though I'm not sure at all if I can do it, I said I'm going to stop trying to save what we have. I said I'm going to let you go.
I don't know if I was lying. Maybe? Who knows.
One day I'll look back and if there's no ache in my heart, then maybe I've succeeded and maybe I didn't lie. Guess I'll only know much longer from now.

Tired.
This is a tiring feeling. This a feeling that no amount of tears can help, no wise words can save you. Nothing but yourself working at it everyday, hoping, praying that it'll be okay. Like you said: "Who knows" Life is too full of twists and turns for me to predict, or have any expectations anymore.
If a miracle happens, that'll be great. And if it doesn't, then I go on.

It's okay, I'm going to be okay.
I'm okay. We are going to be okay. It's going to be okay.

Stars.

Day 11.

2.17 am
Such a long day it's been, with Day 1 of work
and a longer day ahead with Ms Halimah's wedding to attend later.
9 hours of manual labour today and minimal wage is truly no joke. But I took the job to take my mind off you and to keep my mind occupied. Anything to keep me occupied and for me not to be on my own right now. It was okay though, I had Dawn for company and the people there are really friendly and nice. Only problem is that you were still on my mind the whole day, keeping me distracted and distraught. Haix, what else is new.

Woke up today to swollen eyes again, another night of crying myself to sleep like an idiot and dreaming of bad things again. Every conversation I try to have with you now always leaves me in tears. A lot of it... and that's not how I want to remember you by.

I cried today in public for the third time these past 11 days.
Such a mess, I'm such a mess. Finally telling Dawn about us was a lot harder than I thought it would be, and before I knew it I was crying like some retard on the 1 hr bus ride home. The only time I've ever cried so much this lifetime was when my aunt passed, and when I found out I had to repeat J1. And now, there's you. Nothing's right anymore, not when I have so much to say to you but not sure how to even start the conversation.

Guess the good thing was that we had dinner with the guys at Jing Shen's. And the guys being retarded made me really, truly actually laugh. It was the first time I actually felt happy these past 11 days. They may know nothing yet here they are, changing everything.
Really thankful to have met these bunch of idiots. Really am. It's crazy how I was crying my heart out and actually managing a laugh just a few hours later.
Then again I'm slightly crazy right now, so what's new?
Talking to them made me feel closer to you again, just cause they get to see you for soccer while I don't even get to see you anymore. Funny how I'm feeling comforted by such an insignificant thing. See, this is why I say I'm crazy.

I really need to start eating and sleeping more though. Mum forced me on the scale just now and I lost 2.3kg in the past 11 days. Need to start pulling myself together before she starts seriously asking me questions that I've been trying so hard to avoid just so she won't worry. It's hard when you have to keep pretending nothing's wrong when everything is.

Went to the park again just now after walking home from Js's place.
Can't remember how many times I've sat there trying to remember what it's like having you next to me again. Sat there at our bench, looked up at the sky and saw all the stars we always said we'll get a chance to see together some day. Thinking back to all the times you met me there late at night and kept me company through the good and bad.
All the little things from forcing me to ride your bike so I would feel less stress to bringing me Milo at 1 in the morning.
All the things you did for me then, hard to believe it's all so different now.

Sat there for a long time, feeling the wind in my face.
Sat there looking at the stars, remembering every single thing.
And wishing you were there with me.

Afraid.

Day 10.

Do you know what it feels like to be afraid to talk to a person who used to be in your life everyday? 

Do you know how it feels to be afraid of talking to a person whose been on your mind all day no matter how hard you try to forget them.
Do you know what it's like to be afraid of seeing their reply even though you're waiting every single second for it. 

Do you know?

It's sad how we've become like this.

But that's exactly how I feel right now. Afraid.

Aftermath.

Day 9.

I went out willingly today, for the first time in the past 9 days. The first time I stepped out to meet someone not cause I had no choice but to, not cause they forced me to, but because I myself decided I needed to meet people again.

Went swimming with the guys, hoping with all my heart that if I spent time with people who didn't know anything, it would make me feel better, stronger. And it did for awhile.
I forgot everything that has constantly filled my mind these few days until I saw someone and I froze mid sentence, cause I saw someone who looked like you. I actually thought I saw you. That made me stop and it hit me all over again, all of this, all that's past. All that we were.

I talked to Ben today about religion. Asking him the honest question of whether he would date a girl who wasn't of his Faith. And the answer I got was that he had feelings for a girl who wasn't of his Faith. But he talked me through rationally too, telling me all the things I didn't know about your Faith, all the problems that might happen when a person of your Faith got together with a person of my Faith. Things I wasn't observant enough to see before this, things that I now am beginning to understand.

Funny thing is they started talking about the people around us, the people you and me both know. About how our friends were getting together, about how common friends of ours who were already together lasted even though their religion was different. What the guys didn't know was how it was affecting me on the inside. How my insides were screaming at me: "yeah, but we didn't last." How I was sitting there struggling to look interested and unaffected.

It sucks to be so fragile.
And to have my defenses so low today that when I found out a close friend of yours was coming to meet the guys I suddenly lost all my appetite and found myself falling back into the state I had just finally managed to break free from this morning. Struggling so damn hard not to show the hurt I was feeling when I saw your friend, trying so hard to not look at him so that I wouldn't be reminded of you.

The truth is that its not only about the constraints of the different Faith we both have.
Its also about me admitting the bitter truth that maybe to you, what we had was not worth the difficulties we might face. 
It may not be fair to you for me to say that, but that's the thing going through my mind every single night. And that's what I'm still struggling to accept so I can let go. That just makes it hurt even more doesn't it?

I texted you last night.
I admit, it was wrong of me to but I guess I just missed you too much. And you texted back. You said: "I'm here if you need me. And always will be."
I couldn't sleep after I saw your reply. I kept dreaming of you and things that scared me so much that I kept waking up in shock, wanting to cry, only to realise that I was just dreaming. That it was just Nightmares.
Honestly, I need you. I really need you right now. 
I need you to hug me and tell me that it's okay cause you are here for me, just like you always did.
It's just I can't say "I need you" anymore. I can't say that without hurting you or me.

That's what you mean to me.
Its what you have over me, and maybe you don't even know that you can affect me that much.
Today when I left the house, I thought I was better than that. That maybe slowly, I could start dealing with it. That I was going to be able to do this.
Truth is I'm not even close to being able to let you go.
Even though I'm slowly understanding why you had to end it, 
I'm still not even close to being able to hide what the aftermath of us has done to me.

Fall.

Day 8.

The rain doesn't make people feel lonelier.
It just makes it easier to miss someone, and it makes it easier to fall into a state of self-pity and the endless blame-game I play with myself.

Reading all the WA conversations and realizing that even the few who know about what I'm going through can't really help me as they are busy with their lives. It's the right way to be, they should be happy and have fun and lead proper lives.
I'm going to have to deal with this on my own. I thought I had registered that before, but I was hoping to gain more understanding of why I just don't seem to have the mood to go out and enjoy myself. Not when everything out there and the places they want to go can only remind me of you.

Why is this so hard?

Why am I so selfish?
WHY CAN'T I JUST LET GO AND BE HAPPY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? Why do I feel constantly upset over an outcome I just cannot seem to change? Why do I make things hard for myself and expect others to be able to understand. No one has to understand, it is not their obligation. It is not their obligation to help me or try in any way to cheer me up, even if it was just company. It is not their responsibility.
But a small part of me really hopes that someone can do that, anyone really. And that just shows how inconsiderate and selfish I am at this point in time. Why am I becoming like this?

Haix. I need to stop being so shallow and selfish and intolerable.
Enough of the whys and hows. It's not getting me anywhere, it's not helping me in any sense. This is the time where I'm suppose to be happy, enjoying the freedom I've been waiting for 3 years. But here I am making MYSELF miserable. It's my fault. All my own fault.

Stubbornness is what's killing me.
That and the fact that maybe, just maybe, I might have given you too much of my heart too quickly. This is madness and what's worst is no one can save me. All this anger, this frustration and this helplessness that I have towards myself. It builds up so much all I can do is break down and cry till I feel like I can go back to pretending I'm okay again.
What's happening to me? 

I finally understand why people choose to shut away from others when they are really upset.
The reason is simple:
it's because at that point in time, we just can't seem to feel the happiness that we see in others. And because they are happy leading their lives, it is always easier to hide and shoulder all the hurt, upset and fears alone, Than to go out there and try to seek understanding.

This is why we shut away.
It's because we rather fall and crumble alone as we cannot explain all the complexities that build inside every single day.  

Alone.

Day 7.

It's been a week.
One of the longest week this year honestly. So much that feels different but actually all around, little has changed.

I went out tonight.
Suffocating in the four walls of my room. I had to leave, and so I did. I walked out into the cold night and I couldn't think of anywhere else, so I took a bus and ended up the one place I felt like I just had to go; your place.

I don't know why I thought of that place. I don't know what made me take that bus. All I know was the moment I got off it, the air I breathe felt different, the trees around me loomed. I was alone at that bustop. I was alone walking into your place and Every step I took just made me feel different, closer to you. It felt good to be out, even if your place was where I ended up.

And so I sat there.
I sat there looking up at the sky, listening to the water, breathing in the trees.
I sat there watching the Christmas lights on the trees; white and blue.
I sat there watching someone swim her laps
I sat there as people came and went.
I sat there till the pool lights turned off and the night got late.
I sat there until I was alone.
I sat there wondering what on earth I was doing here.
I sat there watching the lights in homes switch off.
I sat there telling myself I'm crazy.
I just sat there staring, thinking, breathing.
I sat there till hours passed and I finally stood up.
And then I walked.

I walked to the stairs and looked back. Looked at the window that is your room and all I could think of is; I'm sorry.
I stood there for what felt like eternity, like some crazy person in the middle of the night. I stood there till I felt like I could move again. And when I could, I walked home. Past all the places you usually cycled when you came to look for me at night, wondering how it might feel like to be you at this point in time. Wondering how upset I've made you. I don't know why I'm even telling anyone all of this, because I am aware how absolutely ridiculous my actions are.

But the thing is, I just had to go tonight.
Something in me told me I had to go, even though I knew I wasn't going to look for you. Even though I knew you will never know I was there. I had to go, look at your window and say I'm sorry, even though you would never hear it. I just had to.

So, I guess, what I'm trying to say is:
I'm sorry you're still tortured and I'm sorry you can't sleep because of this. I'm sorry for everything I didn't get to do to help you. I'm sorry I'm still finding it hard to accept things. But as much as I'm sorry, I really hate seeing you this way.
Please stop torturing yourself over this cause it honestly makes me feel worst.
As much as I try not to, I still think about you, worry about how you're doing, worry about whether or not you're eating or sleeping, worry about how my actions must be making you feel even worst and I wonder too. I wonder if you regret all of this. I wonder if you're still blaming yourself and I wonder all the time if I'll be able to get over this and not torture you or me anymore.
I guess that's just what it is for me right now, but it doesn't have to be for you. So don't torture yourself anymore please.

For what it's worth, I can learn.
I can learn how to be on my own again.
So don't put all the blame on yourself anymore. Cause somewhere, somehow I'm sure I've made mistakes too. It's not just you, it's not just your fault.

Harder.

Day 6.

Does the rain make people feel lonelier?
I don't think so. Just, it gives the illusion of loneliness I suppose. No you to keep me warm on cold days like this anymore. How odd this feeling is.

1st December 2013
I woke up today and found myself in a completely new month. It's a little unexpected and a little shocking too. I didn't really know how to react to this.
It's December already, how fast that's been. This entire year, everything that has happened; A-levels, discovering a new me, making friends, losing a family member, learning to cope with life, having you in my life and now me alone again. All so fast.

Every December for the past 2 years hasn't exactly been a good one for me. I thought this year would be different, turns out it most probably is going to be the same as well. They say Happiness is a Choice. I know it is. After all, we control how we think and feel (sort of) and everyone wants to be happy right? It's just that this choice is sometimes hard to make and harder to go through with.

Sunday
Church day.
I hope you find the Faith you said you're losing and I hope you don't lose it the same way I lost you. I hope you find it in you to smile and laugh the way only you can because that is one of my favourite things about you.

Day 6.
I really need sleep. I look into the mirror and see the mess I'm becoming.
It's just that it's harder to sleep when you're stubborn and over-thinking
It's harder to sleep when you know you're acting immaturely but you just can't seem to correct your behaviour.
There's always going to be an excuse for me to give to say why it's harder,
but I know very well myself
that Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.