Alone.

Day 7.

It's been a week.
One of the longest week this year honestly. So much that feels different but actually all around, little has changed.

I went out tonight.
Suffocating in the four walls of my room. I had to leave, and so I did. I walked out into the cold night and I couldn't think of anywhere else, so I took a bus and ended up the one place I felt like I just had to go; your place.

I don't know why I thought of that place. I don't know what made me take that bus. All I know was the moment I got off it, the air I breathe felt different, the trees around me loomed. I was alone at that bustop. I was alone walking into your place and Every step I took just made me feel different, closer to you. It felt good to be out, even if your place was where I ended up.

And so I sat there.
I sat there looking up at the sky, listening to the water, breathing in the trees.
I sat there watching the Christmas lights on the trees; white and blue.
I sat there watching someone swim her laps
I sat there as people came and went.
I sat there till the pool lights turned off and the night got late.
I sat there until I was alone.
I sat there wondering what on earth I was doing here.
I sat there watching the lights in homes switch off.
I sat there telling myself I'm crazy.
I just sat there staring, thinking, breathing.
I sat there till hours passed and I finally stood up.
And then I walked.

I walked to the stairs and looked back. Looked at the window that is your room and all I could think of is; I'm sorry.
I stood there for what felt like eternity, like some crazy person in the middle of the night. I stood there till I felt like I could move again. And when I could, I walked home. Past all the places you usually cycled when you came to look for me at night, wondering how it might feel like to be you at this point in time. Wondering how upset I've made you. I don't know why I'm even telling anyone all of this, because I am aware how absolutely ridiculous my actions are.

But the thing is, I just had to go tonight.
Something in me told me I had to go, even though I knew I wasn't going to look for you. Even though I knew you will never know I was there. I had to go, look at your window and say I'm sorry, even though you would never hear it. I just had to.

So, I guess, what I'm trying to say is:
I'm sorry you're still tortured and I'm sorry you can't sleep because of this. I'm sorry for everything I didn't get to do to help you. I'm sorry I'm still finding it hard to accept things. But as much as I'm sorry, I really hate seeing you this way.
Please stop torturing yourself over this cause it honestly makes me feel worst.
As much as I try not to, I still think about you, worry about how you're doing, worry about whether or not you're eating or sleeping, worry about how my actions must be making you feel even worst and I wonder too. I wonder if you regret all of this. I wonder if you're still blaming yourself and I wonder all the time if I'll be able to get over this and not torture you or me anymore.
I guess that's just what it is for me right now, but it doesn't have to be for you. So don't torture yourself anymore please.

For what it's worth, I can learn.
I can learn how to be on my own again.
So don't put all the blame on yourself anymore. Cause somewhere, somehow I'm sure I've made mistakes too. It's not just you, it's not just your fault.