Hope.

Day 13.

Rain day.
It's cold and blue outside today, a little like how I'm feeling. Alone at home tonight, and it's like I'm not used to this emptiness. How odd, I thought I was already used to being on my own. Guess I was wrong.

Feeling a little better today though, not as... messy I suppose. A part of me has quieten down, and maybe I'm finally admitting the truth that's in front of me now. At least today, I tried to stop giving myself false hope. That's a step, small and insignificant, but it's a step.

I'm still amazed by how my mood and emotions can change so many times a day.
So many emotions in a day: fear, upset, frustrations, confusion, helplessness, acceptance, false hopes and the better times when I tell myself  "I'm going to be okay".
Is this normal? Behaving like this. Having all these emotions and thoughts all together in one day. It's like watching a confused person run around in circles and well, being confused. If it wasn't so saddening it'll actually be a funny thing no?

I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, following my heart.
It's not exactly the wisest or most rational right now and I might be making another really wrong decision again. But I'm still going to go through with it. Right now, I think this might be what's best for me. Maybe I'll end up being more hurt, maybe it won't get better for me at all, whatever it is, it's going to better than regrets.

Dad once told me: "In a relationship, there's no such thing as whether something is fair or not. Both parties give what they feel they can, and sometimes things don't work out. No one can really shoulder all the blame."
I see what he meant now. There isn't fairness in a relationship cause there's no point in saying whether it's fair or not. If you love someone, to you it'll always be fair even if they let you down. If you don't, then it'll always be unfair (whether to them or to you) no matter what they do for you. Affairs of the heart has always been like that. It's just I'm only understanding that now.
You can't force what isn't yours, and you can't change a person's heart if they don't want to themselves. That is something I've always known.

So complicated isn't it, all of this.
Someone once told me: " Love should be simple, happy." But the truth is, not every relationship is like that really. That's okay though. We all learn something from everything that doesn't go the way we had hoped for it to.
I'm learning too, still trying to learn every day.