Aftermath.

Day 9.

I went out willingly today, for the first time in the past 9 days. The first time I stepped out to meet someone not cause I had no choice but to, not cause they forced me to, but because I myself decided I needed to meet people again.

Went swimming with the guys, hoping with all my heart that if I spent time with people who didn't know anything, it would make me feel better, stronger. And it did for awhile.
I forgot everything that has constantly filled my mind these few days until I saw someone and I froze mid sentence, cause I saw someone who looked like you. I actually thought I saw you. That made me stop and it hit me all over again, all of this, all that's past. All that we were.

I talked to Ben today about religion. Asking him the honest question of whether he would date a girl who wasn't of his Faith. And the answer I got was that he had feelings for a girl who wasn't of his Faith. But he talked me through rationally too, telling me all the things I didn't know about your Faith, all the problems that might happen when a person of your Faith got together with a person of my Faith. Things I wasn't observant enough to see before this, things that I now am beginning to understand.

Funny thing is they started talking about the people around us, the people you and me both know. About how our friends were getting together, about how common friends of ours who were already together lasted even though their religion was different. What the guys didn't know was how it was affecting me on the inside. How my insides were screaming at me: "yeah, but we didn't last." How I was sitting there struggling to look interested and unaffected.

It sucks to be so fragile.
And to have my defenses so low today that when I found out a close friend of yours was coming to meet the guys I suddenly lost all my appetite and found myself falling back into the state I had just finally managed to break free from this morning. Struggling so damn hard not to show the hurt I was feeling when I saw your friend, trying so hard to not look at him so that I wouldn't be reminded of you.

The truth is that its not only about the constraints of the different Faith we both have.
Its also about me admitting the bitter truth that maybe to you, what we had was not worth the difficulties we might face. 
It may not be fair to you for me to say that, but that's the thing going through my mind every single night. And that's what I'm still struggling to accept so I can let go. That just makes it hurt even more doesn't it?

I texted you last night.
I admit, it was wrong of me to but I guess I just missed you too much. And you texted back. You said: "I'm here if you need me. And always will be."
I couldn't sleep after I saw your reply. I kept dreaming of you and things that scared me so much that I kept waking up in shock, wanting to cry, only to realise that I was just dreaming. That it was just Nightmares.
Honestly, I need you. I really need you right now. 
I need you to hug me and tell me that it's okay cause you are here for me, just like you always did.
It's just I can't say "I need you" anymore. I can't say that without hurting you or me.

That's what you mean to me.
Its what you have over me, and maybe you don't even know that you can affect me that much.
Today when I left the house, I thought I was better than that. That maybe slowly, I could start dealing with it. That I was going to be able to do this.
Truth is I'm not even close to being able to let you go.
Even though I'm slowly understanding why you had to end it, 
I'm still not even close to being able to hide what the aftermath of us has done to me.