Just be.

Day 17.

Officially sick... haven't been eating or sleeping properly for awhile now, so I guess I sorta expected this. Sigh. Spamming water and all the meds I can find at home right now. I can't be sick, that'll just makes me feel worst.

It's great having Dawny back at work today. It's like the other part of me is back and she understands me so perfectly sometimes even I get a shock. Work today was so much better with her around, completing my sentences and being weird, as always. It's like a song plays on the radio and she'll give me a look that says: "yeah I know, soppy love song. NOT GOOD" or I'll zone into space in my mind and she'll know I'm thinking of you and somehow, some way she'll find a way to bring me back, make me laugh.

That's what best friends do don't they?
Make you laugh when you're about to cry, understand how messed up you are, pat your back and tell you "it's going to be okay, we're here for you" as you cry your heart out (in public some more. talk about embarrassing), offer to stay up with you till 4am cause they know you can't sleep. That's me right now, embarrassing and a soppy mess these days. It's okay though, I have people like that with me now. And I'm grateful.
So even though I haven't said it, cause I've been such a mess lately. But to the few people who know; Jo, Xin Ru, Gladys, Chawit, Dawn and Li xin:
Thank you for listening. Just listening. Thank you for the proper advice even though I know I haven't really been listening at all. Thank you for understanding why I don't wanna go out, why I just can't help but talk about him, why I'm still like this now. Thank you for telling me "it's gonna take time", and that I can take all the time I need. Thank you for telling me I should do what I feel is right. Thank you for saying you guys will be here, any time. I really do appreciate this.

To one of the best older (second) sister I could ever have:
Thank you for drinking with me when I wanted to just forget everything, and for letting me cry, standing by me even though you didn't even know what the hell was going on. Then telling me it's going to be alright when you found out, telling me you supported me when I said I was gonna try. Thank you for being the rational being when I am not. And I'm sorry I'm stubborn and being stupid, but yeah don't worry about me. I'll find my way.

I still miss you today.
It still happens every day. But the tears are slowly getting lesser and it's sorta getting better. I think.
Every day I tell myself it's going to be better and even though it doesn't always work, but I suppose it sorta is getting better. Maybe?
I'm not sure either. Guess I can only keep trying.