Fall.

Day 8.

The rain doesn't make people feel lonelier.
It just makes it easier to miss someone, and it makes it easier to fall into a state of self-pity and the endless blame-game I play with myself.

Reading all the WA conversations and realizing that even the few who know about what I'm going through can't really help me as they are busy with their lives. It's the right way to be, they should be happy and have fun and lead proper lives.
I'm going to have to deal with this on my own. I thought I had registered that before, but I was hoping to gain more understanding of why I just don't seem to have the mood to go out and enjoy myself. Not when everything out there and the places they want to go can only remind me of you.

Why is this so hard?

Why am I so selfish?
WHY CAN'T I JUST LET GO AND BE HAPPY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? Why do I feel constantly upset over an outcome I just cannot seem to change? Why do I make things hard for myself and expect others to be able to understand. No one has to understand, it is not their obligation. It is not their obligation to help me or try in any way to cheer me up, even if it was just company. It is not their responsibility.
But a small part of me really hopes that someone can do that, anyone really. And that just shows how inconsiderate and selfish I am at this point in time. Why am I becoming like this?

Haix. I need to stop being so shallow and selfish and intolerable.
Enough of the whys and hows. It's not getting me anywhere, it's not helping me in any sense. This is the time where I'm suppose to be happy, enjoying the freedom I've been waiting for 3 years. But here I am making MYSELF miserable. It's my fault. All my own fault.

Stubbornness is what's killing me.
That and the fact that maybe, just maybe, I might have given you too much of my heart too quickly. This is madness and what's worst is no one can save me. All this anger, this frustration and this helplessness that I have towards myself. It builds up so much all I can do is break down and cry till I feel like I can go back to pretending I'm okay again.
What's happening to me? 

I finally understand why people choose to shut away from others when they are really upset.
The reason is simple:
it's because at that point in time, we just can't seem to feel the happiness that we see in others. And because they are happy leading their lives, it is always easier to hide and shoulder all the hurt, upset and fears alone, Than to go out there and try to seek understanding.

This is why we shut away.
It's because we rather fall and crumble alone as we cannot explain all the complexities that build inside every single day.